00:30:42:21 00:30:44:17 Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:30:46:16 00:30:47:17 Now, er...
00:30:48:12 00:30:49:17 good evening.
00:30:50:14 00:30:52:17 Good evening. Good evening. Good evening.
00:30:53:02 00:30:55:02 Good, to some extent, evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
00:30:55:04 00:30:57:21 and welcome to tonight's programme.
00:30:57:24 00:31:00:16 As some of you are probably aware,
00:31:00:20 00:31:03:15 the political and sexual climate in this country
00:31:03:17 00:31:07:05 has led to many large institutions, like the BBC,
00:31:07:07 00:31:10:04 being forced to look elsewhere for their funding.
00:31:10:19 00:31:12:07 Fun-ding.
00:31:13:05 00:31:16:14 And we are particularly excited here
to be able to say
00:31:16:16 00:31:21:11 that this show comes to you in association
with Tideymans Carpets.
00:31:22:07 00:31:26:03 Tideymans carpets resist stains and repel spills.
00:31:26:16 00:31:31:05 They're regarded as a major step forward
in the history of business sponsorship of the arts.
00:31:31:07 00:31:33:01 Only Tideymans can do this.
00:31:33:17 00:31:38:08 But we don't want you to run away thinking
that in any way our editorial independence
00:31:38:10 00:31:42:03 has been compromised here
at A Bit of Fry and Tideymans Carpets.
00:31:45:02 00:31:46:12 Bet you can't eat three.
00:31:47:15 00:31:50:00 So without any further ado,
00:31:50:02 00:31:52:21 here is the first item in tonight's programme.
00:31:52:23 00:31:56:04 And it's called quite simply,
''The spillage that wasn't.''
00:32:03:08 00:32:04:21 Shut the door, Rufus, old scout.
00:32:04:23 00:32:06:06 Oh, righto, Pater.
00:32:06:08 00:32:07:20 Fancy a quick hundred up?
00:32:07:22 00:32:09:13 Oh, absolutely, Governor.
00:32:09:24 00:32:12:05 Ladies won't miss us for half an hour, right?
00:32:12:07 00:32:13:11 Rather not.
00:32:14:02 00:32:15:19 -I'll break off.
-Mmm.
00:32:18:24 00:32:23:01 Nice girl, this Helena.
00:32:23:03 00:32:25:23 Oh, damn, hell and custard.
00:32:26:01 00:32:28:04 Yes, she's a ripper, Father, an absolute ripper.
00:32:28:06 00:32:29:22 Yes, yes.
00:32:30:00 00:32:32:20 Good, erm, good set of breasts to her.
00:32:32:24 00:32:34:09 Oh, yes.
00:32:34:18 00:32:37:00 Fine curving arse.
00:32:37:02 00:32:39:13 -Yes, she has got a nice arse, hasn't she?
-Mmm.
00:32:40:16 00:32:44:22 The thing is, Rufus, old scout.
00:32:45:00 00:32:47:10 Erm, you getting married and so on,
00:32:47:12 00:32:50:15 I thought it was time we raised
this whole subject of women.
00:32:50:19 00:32:52:02 Oh, blimey.
00:32:52:14 00:32:55:15 Are you expecting to have children?
00:32:55:19 00:32:59:17 -Oh, I should say so, Pater, yes.
-Hmm, hmm, hmm.
00:33:00:10 00:33:04:05 Now, I haven't raised this subject
with you before, Rufus,
00:33:04:22 00:33:08:06 but have you ever wondered
how you came to be born?
00:33:09:11 00:33:12:24 Oh, well, I just sort of assumed, Pater, you know,
00:33:13:01 00:33:15:24 that one day you put your penis
inside Mama's vagina
00:33:16:01 00:33:17:22 and inseminated her ovaries.
00:33:20:10 00:33:25:08 Yes. Yes, that is what we told you, isn't it?
00:33:27:01 00:33:31:04 The thing is, Rufus,
it's actually a spot more complicated than that.
00:33:31:09 00:33:32:20 -Complicated?
-Hmm.
00:33:33:03 00:33:37:18 Yes, I'm afraid all that stuff about penises
was just a lot of old pretending.
00:33:38:08 00:33:40:10 So... So, what exactly...?
00:33:41:07 00:33:44:22 Well, it's not easy, this, you know?
00:33:45:01 00:33:47:07 -Well, have a stab at it, Pater.
-Hmm.
00:33:47:09 00:33:49:24 Erm, I know.
00:33:50:06 00:33:51:12 Stroke the table.
00:33:52:08 00:33:54:06 -Stroke the table?
-Stroke the table.
00:33:56:10 00:33:57:18 Is this strictly relevant, Pater?
00:33:57:20 00:34:00:10 Come on, man. What does it remind you of?
00:34:01:07 00:34:03:12 -Billiard table.
-And?
00:34:03:17 00:34:04:22 Well, nothing.
00:34:05:06 00:34:07:00 -Unless, you mean...?
-Go on!
00:34:07:02 00:34:11:13 Of course, the lush, velvety texture
of a Tideymans carpet.
00:34:11:15 00:34:13:17 Good man! I knew you'd get there in the end.
00:34:14:14 00:34:19:00 Pater, how does having a Tideymans carpet
help you to have children?
00:34:19:15 00:34:21:23 Are you completely stupid?
00:34:22:10 00:34:23:11 Yes.
00:34:25:02 00:34:28:24 If you haven't got a Tideymans carpet,
you can't do any kissing,
00:34:29:01 00:34:31:04 and kissing makes babies.
00:34:31:21 00:34:33:18 But, Pater, I still don't understand.
00:34:33:20 00:34:37:05 How does a Tideymans carpet help you to snog?
00:34:37:07 00:34:39:01 Think, you jillock.
00:34:39:15 00:34:42:23 Of course! Sucking a Tideymans carpet
00:34:43:00 00:34:47:12 removes the stale unpleasant mouth odours
that stop others from Frenching you.
00:34:47:14 00:34:48:20 Quite right.
00:34:48:24 00:34:51:16 -I got it in one, eh, Pater?
-Hmm.
00:34:53:06 00:34:55:24 Now, wrap your laughing gear round this
00:34:56:01 00:34:58:19 and then wrap it round Helena.
00:34:59:09 00:35:01:09 Just you try and stop me, Pater.
00:35:04:19 00:35:07:13 Ah, that's my boy.
00:35:09:02 00:35:10:19 Well, I was born Mary Patterson,
00:35:10:21 00:35:13:09 but then I married,
and naturally I took my husband's name,
00:35:13:11 00:35:15:09 so now I'm Neil Patterson.
00:35:15:20 00:35:18:20 I said, ''Well, if God loves me,
he's got a funny way of showing it, hasn't he?''
00:35:18:22 00:35:20:21 That's shut him up, Pope or no Pope.
00:35:21:13 00:35:26:17 Now, it may not be a very popular
or fashionable view,
00:35:26:19 00:35:30:12 but I do believe that everyone
should be forced to wear flared trousers.
00:35:33:05 00:35:35:13 Hello, Control, I was just wondering...
00:35:37:09 00:35:38:09 Oh.
00:35:43:12 00:35:45:03 (TELEPHONE RINGING)
00:35:51:14 00:35:53:15 Hello, this is the Secret Service.
00:35:55:07 00:35:58:23 No, I'm afraid Control's not in at the moment.
Who is this, please?
00:35:59:06 00:36:01:04 Ah, hello, Mrs Control.
00:36:01:10 00:36:03:12 No, I don't know where he is.
00:36:03:15 00:36:04:19 Yes, it's very strange.
00:36:04:21 00:36:07:05 I just popped in to ask him
if he'd like a cup of coffee
00:36:07:07 00:36:10:08 because it's nearly 1 1 :00,
and there's no one here.
00:36:11:09 00:36:15:10 I agree with you, Mrs Control,
that he'll probably turn up. Bye.
00:36:18:17 00:36:19:24 Hello, Tony.
00:36:20:01 00:36:23:14 -Ah, Control, I was just beginning to worry.
-Oh?
00:36:23:19 00:36:26:22 Yes, Mrs Control has just been on the telephone.
00:36:27:03 00:36:30:22 And between me and Mrs Control,
neither of us seem to know where you were.
00:36:30:24 00:36:32:24 Well, let me explain, Tony.
00:36:33:07 00:36:35:05 But before I do that,
00:36:35:07 00:36:39:11 let me ask you
if you notice anything unusual about the office?
00:36:40:02 00:36:41:07 The window.
00:36:41:09 00:36:45:04 Of course, the window always used to be
slightly further to the left.
00:36:46:20 00:36:48:17 Not quite, Tony.
00:36:48:19 00:36:51:11 Oh, it was a bit of a guess, actually.
00:36:51:23 00:36:55:17 I do remember that we did talk about
moving the window,
00:36:55:19 00:37:00:11 but, if you recall, I asked you to make
a feasibility study into the whole thing,
00:37:00:13 00:37:02:23 but I then had to make
the rather difficult decision
00:37:03:00 00:37:06:06 that that particular game
just wasn't worth the candle.
00:37:06:08 00:37:10:07 What's actually different about the window,
Tony, is that it's open.
00:37:10:22 00:37:12:06 So it is, Control.
00:37:12:08 00:37:15:23 Is this in some way connected
to your not having been in the office earlier on?
00:37:16:02 00:37:19:04 Yes, you see, I fell out of the window.
00:37:22:14 00:37:27:11 Gosh, Control, I can only say how sorry I am
and ask whether you were hurt in any way.
00:37:27:13 00:37:31:04 To my surprise, Tony,
I was not hurt in any way at all.
00:37:31:06 00:37:33:05 Well, that is something of a blessing.
00:37:33:07 00:37:34:12 Yes, that's right.
00:37:34:14 00:37:36:23 Because one of the other things
about being Control, I've always thought,
00:37:37:00 00:37:39:24 is that your office is on the sixth floor.
00:37:40:04 00:37:41:24 So that in the event
of something like this happening,
00:37:42:01 00:37:44:02 you have got slightly further to fall
00:37:44:04 00:37:48:04 than if you were in the Records department,
who are located on the first floor of this building.
00:37:48:13 00:37:51:22 Very similar thoughts were going through
my mind, Tony,
00:37:52:00 00:37:55:12 as I travelled towards the pavement
with gathering speed.
00:37:56:21 00:38:00:14 But, Control, how did this whole sorry business
come about?
00:38:00:20 00:38:03:21 Well, Tony, I've got a confession to make.
00:38:04:02 00:38:06:06 You see, one of the things I like to do
00:38:06:08 00:38:09:01 before you very kindly bring me
my morning coffee
00:38:09:03 00:38:12:07 is to feed the pigeons
who perch on the windowsill.
00:38:12:13 00:38:14:14 Control, I can't say I'm altogether surprised.
00:38:14:16 00:38:18:05 There had been some rumours
in the canteen to that effect.
00:38:18:07 00:38:22:22 Well, I'm glad to be able to silence
those wagging tongues once and for all.
00:38:22:24 00:38:24:24 I do feed the pigeons,
00:38:25:01 00:38:29:02 and it was while doing so this morning
that I fell out of the window.
00:38:29:21 00:38:32:06 Control, I think I can picture the scene.
00:38:32:11 00:38:34:12 Here you were at the window,
00:38:34:14 00:38:36:16 so engrossed in what you were doing
00:38:36:18 00:38:39:10 that you neglected not to fall out of it.
00:38:39:23 00:38:41:10 Am I pretty near the mark?
00:38:41:12 00:38:43:10 -Spot on, Tony.
-Hmm.
00:38:43:12 00:38:47:08 Well, I'll tell you another thing, Control,
that's resulted from this adventure.
00:38:47:18 00:38:50:21 It's past 1 1 :00 and you've not had your coffee.
00:38:50:23 00:38:53:14 Oh! It never rains but it pours, eh, Tony?
00:38:55:03 00:39:00:01 Yes, Control, but quite often
it rains and pours at the same time.
00:39:01:01 00:39:03:24 Uhn. Tell you what, Tony.
00:39:04:16 00:39:07:03 On your way to the coffee-making area,
00:39:07:05 00:39:11:18 perhaps you could ask Valerie
kindly to pop outside and apologise
00:39:11:20 00:39:15:18 to an old lady who was selling flowers
outside the main entrance.
00:39:15:20 00:39:17:08 I'll certainly do that, Control.
00:39:17:10 00:39:20:19 Did she happen to be the unlucky one
who broke your fall?
00:39:21:00 00:39:23:08 No, she was fortunate in that respect, Tony,
00:39:23:10 00:39:28:07 but she might be a little bit upset that my fall
was broken by her small grandson.
00:39:30:00 00:39:31:09 Well, fair enough, Control.
00:39:31:11 00:39:34:23 I expect that in that case,
she'd welcome a cup of coffee too.
00:39:35:06 00:39:36:22 Good thinking, Tony.
00:39:37:04 00:39:39:17 Oh, now come on, Simon.
00:39:39:19 00:39:41:22 You've caused enough trouble today.
00:39:41:24 00:39:44:11 You're not getting a single seed.
00:39:45:01 00:39:46:22 Oh, all right, then.
00:39:46:24 00:39:48:04 (PIGEON COOING)
00:39:48:11 00:39:49:18 There you are.
00:39:51:16 00:39:52:16 Bo!
00:39:54:07 00:39:56:06 You see, you've got an aura around you.
00:39:56:11 00:39:58:22 We all, we all of us... We all have auras round us.
00:39:58:24 00:40:02:03 Now, I can tell from your aura
that you're wearing shoes.
00:40:02:07 00:40:03:14 Am I right?
00:40:03:23 00:40:08:23 Now, it's our firm belief
here on A Bit of Fry and Laurie,
00:40:09:20 00:40:12:22 married to a passionate girl
from Stockton-on-Tees,
00:40:12:24 00:40:17:17 that there is a right way and a wrong way
to do everything.
00:40:17:19 00:40:20:24 So, now I and my partner-in-crime, Hugh Laurie...
00:40:22:06 00:40:27:03 I call him my partner-in-crime, but we don't
actually commit crimes together of any kind.
00:40:29:02 00:40:33:13 That's just... That's just a ghastly
and unacceptable phrase I like to use.
00:40:33:15 00:40:37:15 So, I and my, as I say, partner-in-crime...
00:40:40:09 00:40:44:05 would now like to show you
the right way and the wrong way
00:40:44:07 00:40:47:24 to deal with a couple of young children
who've come round on Halloween,
00:40:48:01 00:40:49:13 a-trick-or-treating.
00:40:49:20 00:40:52:24 Right, all we've gotta do now
is wait for the doorbell to ring.
00:40:53:04 00:40:54:08 Right.
00:40:54:20 00:40:57:21 Er, nice carpet, Hugh. Tideymans?
00:40:57:23 00:41:01:23 Well, who else? If you'll pardon the pun.
00:41:05:02 00:41:06:03 What pun?
00:41:07:11 00:41:09:07 Oh, wasn't there one? I'm sorry.
00:41:09:10 00:41:10:10 (DOORBELL RINGING)
00:41:10:12 00:41:11:12 -Ah!
-Ha!
00:41:14:11 00:41:16:02 Trick or treat, mister.
00:41:17:12 00:41:20:08 -Ah! Trick or treat.
-Trick or treat.
00:41:20:10 00:41:24:08 So tell me, Steve,
did we prepare a bag of jellybeans out back?
00:41:24:10 00:41:27:15 We most certainly did, I'll go fetch them.
00:41:29:20 00:41:33:02 So, young shaver snapper,
do you like football, do you?
00:41:33:04 00:41:35:04 -Yeah.
-Yeah. Do you fancy Arsenal this year?
00:41:35:06 00:41:38:04 No way. I quite fancy me sister, though.
00:41:42:03 00:41:43:09 Here we are, then.
00:41:43:11 00:41:45:13 There you go. Enjoy those.
00:41:45:23 00:41:47:15 -Catch you guys later, all right.
-All right.
00:41:47:17 00:41:49:01 -Bye.
-Bye-bye.
00:41:51:10 00:41:54:06 That was, of course, ladies and gentlemen,
the wrong way.
00:41:54:08 00:41:55:17 -The wrong way!
-Wrong way!
00:41:55:19 00:41:57:01 -Wrong way!
-Wrong way!
00:41:57:03 00:41:58:03 (DOORBELL RINGING)
00:41:58:05 00:42:00:01 We're now gonna show you the right way.
00:42:01:10 00:42:02:24 Trick or treat, mister.
00:42:03:01 00:42:04:04 -What?
-What?
00:42:04:06 00:42:06:01 -What did you say?
-Trick or treat.
00:42:06:03 00:42:08:08 -Trick or treat?
-Ugh! Ugh!
00:42:08:10 00:42:10:15 -Come here. You come here now.
-What are you talking about?
00:42:10:17 00:42:13:08 This is England, not America.
What are you talking about?
00:42:13:10 00:42:15:16 This is not America!
00:42:17:10 00:42:19:15 We call it the Tideymans test,
00:42:19:17 00:42:23:01 because only Tideymans carpets
have the absorbency
00:42:23:03 00:42:25:09 and luxurious shag pile bounce
00:42:25:11 00:42:28:14 that can cushion a fall
from even the highest of buildings.
00:42:37:20 00:42:42:12 So if those two children had landed
1 5 feet further to the right,
00:42:42:14 00:42:44:09 their lives would have been saved.
00:42:44:11 00:42:47:17 Isn't it time you started thinking
about a Tideymans in your life?
00:42:47:19 00:42:50:04 The deep shag that really satisfies.
00:42:52:09 00:42:54:20 (AS TIME GOES BY PLAYING ON PIANO)
00:43:01:21 00:43:03:18 Oh, I do beg your pardon.
00:43:05:16 00:43:06:20 Ha!
00:43:09:03 00:43:10:14 Play it again, Sam.
00:43:13:18 00:43:16:05 -Well, that is brilliant, that.
-Thank you.
00:43:16:23 00:43:18:09 Play it again, Sam.
00:43:19:02 00:43:20:03 Yes.
00:43:20:05 00:43:23:17 Yeah, I used to play the piano, but I gave it up.
00:43:24:07 00:43:25:12 -Really?
-Yeah, 'cause you...
00:43:25:14 00:43:27:11 You have to practise a lot, don't you?
00:43:27:13 00:43:30:10 -That's quite right.
-Yeah, it's all the practising. I couldn't take that.
00:43:30:12 00:43:31:21 -Really?
-Yeah.
00:43:31:23 00:43:35:03 I'll tell you what, do you know that...?
00:43:35:05 00:43:38:14 What's that song, Strangers in the Night?
Do you know that one?
00:43:38:16 00:43:39:19 -Strangers in the Night?
-Yeah.
00:43:39:21 00:43:41:12 -Yes, yes.
-Oh, go on, play that one.
00:43:41:14 00:43:43:12 Okay, it's Strangers in the Night.
00:43:43:14 00:43:45:14 He's playing it. Go on.
00:43:45:16 00:43:46:18 (PLAYING STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT)
00:43:46:20 00:43:48:03 Oh, nice, yes.
00:43:49:06 00:43:52:03 # Some enchanted evening
00:43:53:02 00:43:54:05 # You... #
00:43:54:07 00:43:56:15 That's actually a different song.
00:43:56:17 00:43:59:03 -What is?
-''Some enchanted evening''
00:43:59:05 00:44:01:24 comes from a song called
Some Enchanted Evening.
00:44:02:23 00:44:04:18 -No, it doesn't.
-Yes, it does.
00:44:04:20 00:44:06:04 (PLAYING SOME ENCHANTED EVENING)
00:44:06:06 00:44:09:12 # Strangers in the night #
00:44:10:04 00:44:11:09 Yeah, which one do you want?
00:44:11:11 00:44:14:02 No, Strangers in the Night, go on. Off you go.
00:44:14:20 00:44:17:11 # Strangers in the night #
00:44:19:04 00:44:20:21 What are the words to it?
00:44:21:09 00:44:23:02 -''Exchanging glances.''
-Exchanging glances, got it.
00:44:23:04 00:44:24:10 All right, off you go. Go on.
00:44:24:12 00:44:26:12 # Strangers in the night, exchanging glances #
00:44:26:14 00:44:30:07 No, that's too high. Do it down there.
Do it down there.
00:44:30:09 00:44:31:10 # Strange...#
00:44:31:12 00:44:33:02 That's it. Yeah, go on.
00:44:33:04 00:44:35:15 # Strangers in the night #
00:44:35:17 00:44:36:22 # Exchanging...#
00:44:36:24 00:44:38:15 Oh, I'll tell you what, what's that other one?
00:44:38:17 00:44:40:15 Erm, it goes...
00:44:41:11 00:44:43:11 # La de-di-da de-di-da
00:44:43:16 00:44:44:24 # My pretty one #
00:44:45:01 00:44:46:09 I don't think I know that one.
00:44:46:11 00:44:49:04 Oh, you know. You must know that one.
Everyone knows that one.
00:44:49:06 00:44:52:04 I'll sing it for you. You follow along with me.
00:44:52:06 00:44:54:01 # La di-de-da di-de-da... #
00:44:54:03 00:44:55:15 Go on. Yes, that's it.
00:44:55:17 00:44:56:24 # La di-de-da
00:44:57:02 00:44:59:00 # My pretty one #
00:44:59:06 00:45:02:10 Oh, it's brilliant, that one.
Who wrote that one? Er...
00:45:02:12 00:45:04:13 -You did, I think.
-No, no.
00:45:04:15 00:45:06:02 No, I tell you what. Look, I'll...
00:45:06:04 00:45:08:18 You shift up. You shift up,
and I'll play, 'cause I do actually...
00:45:09:05 00:45:10:11 No, I'll tell you what.
00:45:10:13 00:45:13:18 I'll tell you what. I'll play you this one,
'cause this is absolutely my favourite one.
00:45:13:20 00:45:16:07 Do you know this one? It goes... All right.
00:45:16:09 00:45:19:01 (PLAYING MOONLIGHT SONATA BY BEETHOVEN)
00:45:24:04 00:45:26:22 -It's Beethoven, that is.
-Is it? Is it, really?
00:45:27:08 00:45:29:02 Always makes me very sad.
00:45:29:06 00:45:30:17 Yes, I could weep.
00:45:46:21 00:45:52:02 Berlin in 1 924 was a shattered and divided city.
00:45:52:04 00:45:54:02 No city for lovers.
00:45:54:11 00:45:58:15 If Clarissa and I had known
how brief our moments together were to be,
00:45:58:17 00:46:00:10 perhaps we would have spent the time
00:46:00:12 00:46:04:00 in the pension in the Friedrichstrasse
with more care.
00:46:04:02 00:46:07:09 But lovers are traditionally careless of time.
00:46:07:11 00:46:09:17 -And what it...
-Tell you what. Tell you what.
00:46:09:22 00:46:11:10 Do you know this one?
00:46:11:13 00:46:13:17 (PLAYING HEART AND SOUL)
00:46:18:00 00:46:21:01 Oh, no, I absolutely,
absolutely swear by these things.
00:46:21:08 00:46:22:23 Okay, ask me anything.
00:46:23:00 00:46:27:01 Ask me the time of day in Adelaide,
anything, any... Tell you what.
00:46:27:03 00:46:32:15 I'll tell you what I'm doing on
the 3rd of August, 1 997.
00:46:33:17 00:46:35:00 There, you see? Nothing.
00:46:41:10 00:46:42:18 What? What?
00:46:42:20 00:46:47:24 (GERMAN ACCENT) Ah, we return to some form
of consciousness, eh, Major?
00:46:48:01 00:46:49:11 What? Where?
00:46:49:13 00:46:52:04 You must forgive
the rough methods of my colleagues,
00:46:52:06 00:46:55:15 they are barbarians, barbarians.
00:46:55:17 00:46:59:09 They have no finesse, it grieves me to say.
00:46:59:11 00:47:01:09 Where the hell am I?
00:47:01:13 00:47:03:19 You're fond of Matisse, Major?
00:47:04:11 00:47:09:07 Such bold strokes of the brush,
such masterly control.
00:47:10:17 00:47:13:02 What were you doing
so far in front of your own lines?
00:47:13:04 00:47:15:23 What was the purpose of your operation?
00:47:16:17 00:47:19:16 Donaldson, Eric. Major.
00:47:19:20 00:47:22:13 Serial number 64003...
00:47:22:15 00:47:25:22 Oh, come, come, Major.
You can do so much better than that,
00:47:25:24 00:47:27:24 you know, really, so much better.
00:47:28:01 00:47:30:05 That's all you're getting out of me.
00:47:30:14 00:47:33:05 Such a pity that our two nations are at war.
00:47:33:08 00:47:35:12 We have so much in common, you know?
00:47:36:00 00:47:39:08 Tell me, please,
when is planned the invasion of France?
00:47:39:10 00:47:41:18 (LAUGHING) Do you think I know that?
00:47:41:20 00:47:45:05 And do you think if I did know,
that I would tell...you?
00:47:46:00 00:47:48:06 Oh, my God.
00:47:49:14 00:47:50:23 What is the matter, please?
00:47:51:00 00:47:53:12 You! I can't believe it!
00:47:54:04 00:47:55:17 You are not believing what, please?
00:47:55:19 00:47:59:02 You, you're so, so beautiful.
00:48:02:14 00:48:03:22 What are you saying?
00:48:03:24 00:48:08:16 That it should happen here and now,
of all times and all places.
00:48:08:18 00:48:11:20 This is it! I... I just can't believe it.
00:48:12:01 00:48:16:21 You're the most fantastic and attractive creature
I've ever laid eyes upon.
00:48:16:23 00:48:21:00 Now, now. No.
Don't... Don't play games with me, Major.
00:48:21:02 00:48:24:01 Games? Games? This is no game.
00:48:24:03 00:48:26:21 This is the realest thing
that's ever happened to me.
00:48:26:23 00:48:29:24 Where have you been all my life,
you gorgeous darling?
00:48:30:10 00:48:32:17 Now sit down, Major.
00:48:33:02 00:48:36:01 Your eyes, they light up when you're angry.
Did you know that?
00:48:36:03 00:48:37:09 Now, look.
00:48:37:11 00:48:39:11 There's so much time to make up for.
00:48:39:13 00:48:42:18 I don't know anything about you.
I don't know your name, your...
00:48:42:20 00:48:46:06 Hauptsturmführer Friedrich von Stoltz.
00:48:46:08 00:48:48:22 Friedrich. Yes! I like that, Friedrich.
00:48:48:24 00:48:51:07 Major, have you taken leave of your senses?
00:48:51:09 00:48:53:04 Yes! Yes, I have.
00:48:53:06 00:48:57:18 For the first time in my life,
I've taken leave of my senses, and I love it!
00:48:58:14 00:49:02:13 Did anyone ever tell you,
you have the sweetest, silliest little nose,
00:49:02:15 00:49:05:07 and the biggest, bluest eyes?
00:49:05:09 00:49:09:11 Now, I am going to give you one last warning,
Major Donaldson.
00:49:09:14 00:49:10:16 (EXCLAIMING)
00:49:10:18 00:49:12:24 Get that arse!
00:49:14:23 00:49:20:05 Friedrich, Friedrich,
that has got to be the cutest little bum ever.
00:49:20:20 00:49:23:19 No, no. Now, listen. Enough, Major, enough.
00:49:23:21 00:49:25:04 Maybe... Ha! Yes.
00:49:25:06 00:49:28:15 Maybe you are playing on me
some of your English senses of humour.
00:49:28:17 00:49:31:05 -But, you know...
-Oh, that accent.
00:49:31:07 00:49:35:22 It's so dreamy you could bathe in it.
Kiss me, Friedikins, kiss me now.
00:49:35:24 00:49:37:18 When is planned the invasion?
00:49:37:20 00:49:40:19 Oh, who cares about a stupid little invasion?
00:49:40:21 00:49:41:21 I do.
00:49:41:23 00:49:46:04 Oh, all right, then. 6th of June, Normandy.
00:49:46:19 00:49:51:00 But that doesn't matter.
What matters is that we've found each other.
00:49:51:07 00:49:53:11 6th of June, Normandy.
00:49:53:20 00:49:58:19 Yes. Now, honey,
don't you think that deserves a kiss?
00:49:59:05 00:50:01:03 Well, maybe just a little one.
00:50:03:23 00:50:06:16 Well... Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on.
00:50:07:20 00:50:10:02 Cheers, Keith. Thanks for your time.
00:50:10:19 00:50:12:05 -Damn it!
-What?
00:50:12:19 00:50:14:23 It's pretty much as we feared, John.
00:50:15:02 00:50:17:14 -Yeah?
-Only a whole heap worse.
00:50:17:18 00:50:20:02 Suppose you start from the beginning.
00:50:20:17 00:50:23:17 Not much to say. Seems that...
00:50:27:02 00:50:31:23 Seems that 20 minutes ago, our time,
Derwent Enterprises went into liquidation.
00:50:32:07 00:50:33:09 What?
00:50:33:12 00:50:36:05 Keith called a couple of hours ago from Helsinki.
00:50:36:07 00:50:38:06 But that was Keith just now, surely.
00:50:38:13 00:50:42:05 Yeah, just now, our time,
but he called a couple of hours ago, his time.
00:50:42:18 00:50:45:04 And he called to say
that Derwent had gone under?
00:50:45:06 00:50:46:21 -That's right.
-Damn!
00:50:46:23 00:50:48:14 Damn it to damnation!
00:50:48:17 00:50:51:22 Damn, double damn
and an extra slice of double damn.
00:50:52:10 00:50:53:16 Who else knows this?
00:50:53:18 00:50:56:02 Well, it's gonna be all around town
before you can say,
00:50:56:04 00:50:59:19 ''Hell, triple blast and damn it to Hades twice.''
00:50:59:21 00:51:02:06 Hell, triple blast and damn it to Had...
00:51:02:08 00:51:03:09 (TELEPHONE RINGING)
00:51:03:11 00:51:05:11 Yup? Derek knows.
00:51:06:03 00:51:07:10 Damn it!
00:51:07:12 00:51:10:07 Christ, if they pull in their options,
it doesn't bear thinking about.
00:51:10:09 00:51:12:14 This whole health club could go belly up.
00:51:13:06 00:51:16:17 Right. I wanna know who's behind them.
00:51:17:00 00:51:19:05 I wanna know who's pulling the strings.
00:51:19:10 00:51:22:17 I wanna know what in hell's name is going on.
00:51:22:24 00:51:25:07 Damn it, John, I do believe you're scared.
00:51:25:09 00:51:28:02 You're damn right I'm scared.
00:51:28:17 00:51:31:22 I sense Marjorie's hand in this.
00:51:32:04 00:51:33:10 Marjorie?
00:51:34:03 00:51:37:14 I never told you this, Peter,
but after Marjorie left me,
00:51:37:21 00:51:40:22 I settled a block of shares on her and the boy.
00:51:41:24 00:51:45:01 Shares in the health club?
Were you out of your goddamn mind?
00:51:45:03 00:51:46:05 In the club, no.
00:51:46:07 00:51:50:05 No, I knew I couldn't trust her there,
but I gave her shares in D-Tec.
00:51:50:13 00:51:53:01 -And you think...
-Think? I don't think anything.
00:51:53:03 00:51:55:17 There isn't time to think. There's only time to act.
00:51:56:17 00:52:01:14 But is Marjorie really capable of pulling
a scrimshaw trick like this?
00:52:01:18 00:52:06:13 Hell, Marjorie would float her own grandmother
as a holding corporation
00:52:06:15 00:52:11:01 and strip her bare of preference stock
if she thought it would hurt me.
00:52:11:07 00:52:14:18 Three pints of damn and a chaser of hell blast.
00:52:15:11 00:52:17:03 What about the boy, John?
00:52:17:15 00:52:19:07 The boy is Dennis, Peter.
00:52:20:22 00:52:23:07 No, no. What about the boy, John?
00:52:23:09 00:52:26:05 You leave the boy out of this. He's just a boy.
00:52:26:07 00:52:29:00 -There's something I've always wondered, John.
-Yeah?
00:52:29:02 00:52:32:24 How the boy ended up living with Marjorie
after the divorce?
00:52:33:13 00:52:36:23 The court ruled that I was violent and unstable.
00:52:37:00 00:52:38:21 An unfit father.
00:52:39:06 00:52:41:05 Well, that's a damn joke, John.
00:52:41:13 00:52:44:12 If they could have seen
how you've parented this company.
00:52:44:14 00:52:49:06 Yeah, well, Marjorie told them a story
about how one night I'd been working late.
00:52:49:08 00:52:52:09 I came home,
and I sensed in Marjorie's eyes and voice
00:52:52:11 00:52:54:23 a sneering, a mocking, I don't know.
00:52:55:08 00:52:59:18 I suppose I must have flipped.
I emptied a bowl of trifle all over her.
00:53:00:19 00:53:02:14 So, she got custody.
00:53:02:16 00:53:03:20 Very.
00:53:07:11 00:53:12:00 Well, it must have hurt, John. Must have hurt,
not being able to watch Dennis grow up.
00:53:12:02 00:53:15:13 Hurt, no. No, the boy means nothing to me now.
00:53:15:15 00:53:17:19 Oh, yeah, John? Oh, yeah?
00:53:17:21 00:53:19:13 So how come every year on his birthday
00:53:19:15 00:53:22:17 you take him down to London
to see Phantom Of The Opera?
00:53:23:04 00:53:25:02 I do that because I hate him.
00:53:26:08 00:53:27:15 Well, fair enough.
00:53:27:17 00:53:30:17 But I give Marjorie due warning this day.
00:53:30:19 00:53:34:14 If she wants a fight,
then by arse she's gonna get one.
00:53:34:23 00:53:37:22 -And the prize, John?
-It's as big as they get, Peter.
00:53:37:24 00:53:42:13 The entire leisure market in the Uttoxeter
catchment area goes to the winner.
00:53:42:18 00:53:44:13 No strings attached.
00:53:45:06 00:53:48:17 Why can't you leave me alone?
00:53:49:21 00:53:53:15 John, what was it you once said to me
about perspective?
00:53:53:22 00:53:56:12 I seem to remember asking how it was spelt.
00:53:57:14 00:53:59:05 No, no. After that.
00:54:00:11 00:54:03:06 What are you trying to say to me, Peter?
00:54:03:08 00:54:04:24 I'm saying...
00:54:05:24 00:54:07:17 I'm saying, damn it, I'm here.
00:54:07:19 00:54:11:16 Marjorie's, well, 1 50 miles away, her time.
00:54:11:22 00:54:16:05 And, well, if you and I, we can't fight this bastard,
son of a mongrel, hellcat bitch,
00:54:16:07 00:54:20:01 well, then we aren't the team
that weathered the Tideymans crisis
00:54:20:04 00:54:23:00 and came up smelling of roses.
That's what I'm saying.
00:54:23:02 00:54:24:24 Damn it, Peter, you're right.
00:54:26:00 00:54:28:17 Call Ipswich now, your time,
00:54:28:19 00:54:33:15 and tell them that Derwent Enterprises
or no Derwent Enterprises,
00:54:33:17 00:54:38:05 this health club is in business
and stays in business.
00:54:38:08 00:54:43:03 -And if Marjorie should call, John?
-Marjorie? Never heard of her.
00:54:43:05 00:54:45:18 Damn it, John, I love it when you're flying.
00:54:45:20 00:54:50:06 Right, Sarah, get in a pot of hot, strong coffee
and a dozen memo pads.
00:54:51:15 00:54:54:20 Right. Let's get the hell out of here
before they arrive.
00:54:55:05 00:54:57:13 -Damn!
-Damn!
00:54:58:20 00:55:00:16 Oh, this is, er...?
00:55:00:21 00:55:02:22 This is one of them hidden camera things, is it?
00:55:03:17 00:55:07:05 No? Oh, well, 'cause I was gonna say,
it's not very well hidden, is it?
00:55:15:05 00:55:18:05 Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're very excited.
00:55:18:07 00:55:20:00 -We're very excited, aren't we, Hugh?
-Yes.
00:55:20:02 00:55:23:23 We're certainly tremendously excited.
Shall I tell them or will you?
00:55:24:03 00:55:27:11 I think you'd better tell them
because I don't know what you're going to say.
00:55:28:17 00:55:30:14 Well, ladies and gentlemen,
00:55:30:16 00:55:35:17 our final item this evening, our end sketch,
has been stolen.
00:55:36:08 00:55:38:17 -Stolen?
-Mmm, by Omar Sharif.
00:55:40:01 00:55:42:01 -Again? God!
-Yes.
00:55:42:03 00:55:44:24 Well, I say stolen.
I lost it to him in a game of backgammon.
00:55:45:01 00:55:48:11 And even as we speak,
he's using it as his end sketch
00:55:48:13 00:55:51:09 in Monaco TV's Omar Sharif Comedy Hour.
00:55:52:14 00:55:56:17 So that means we're going to have to improvise
our end sketch this week.
00:55:56:19 00:55:59:05 Ah, well now, you see,
now I know why you were excited.
00:55:59:07 00:56:02:01 Because, of course, improvisation
is very much the coming thing, isn't it?
00:56:02:03 00:56:04:12 That's right, that's right. Everybody's at it.
00:56:04:14 00:56:07:11 Apparently David Vine, ''The Guv'nor''...
00:56:07:14 00:56:11:09 -Even David Vine improvises. Has been for years.
-Mmm-hmm.
00:56:11:11 00:56:13:07 -So does Mike Smith.
-That's right.
00:56:13:09 00:56:19:12 Everything that The Guv'nor and Smitty say
just comes to them off the top of their brains.
00:56:19:14 00:56:21:01 -Frightening.
-Mmm.
00:56:21:09 00:56:23:14 Now, in order to prove to you
00:56:23:16 00:56:27:23 that the sketch we're going to end
this evening with is totally improvised,
00:56:28:00 00:56:32:24 we're going to ask you, the audience,
to give us, the us,
00:56:33:04 00:56:38:10 some kind of first line
on which we can build our improvised sketch.
00:56:38:12 00:56:41:23 That's right, and to give you some idea
of a suitable sort of thing for a first line,
00:56:42:00 00:56:46:18 we're going to show you some first lines
from the A Bit of Fry and Laurie First Line Archive.
00:56:49:07 00:56:52:11 Erm...has Deborah Munnings arrived yet?
00:56:53:16 00:56:56:16 Yes, I'd like to apply
to become a homosexual, please.
00:57:08:04 00:57:11:20 -I didn't know you had spots.
-I haven't, just great looking hair.
00:57:19:00 00:57:21:11 # When somebody loves you
00:57:22:00 00:57:24:24 # It's no good unless they love you #
00:57:28:05 00:57:32:12 Well, perhaps I can press you to a cream slice,
as I once said to an actress.
00:57:34:18 00:57:36:11 Has Deborah Munnings arrived yet?
00:57:37:13 00:57:40:14 So if any of you have any ideas
for first lines of sketches
00:57:40:16 00:57:42:20 -that we can improvise, well, hit us now.
-Anybody?
00:57:42:22 00:57:47:04 Hit us hard. The first line. Some first line
that we can weave some kind of magic around.
00:57:47:06 00:57:48:10 First line. Yes?
00:57:48:12 00:57:49:17 WOMAN: Do you sell grapefruit?
00:57:49:19 00:57:52:09 -Do you sell grapefruit?
-Do you sell grapefruit?
00:57:52:11 00:57:53:11 Well, it's a...
00:57:53:13 00:57:55:15 We can weave a pretty tantalising spell
around that one.
00:57:55:17 00:57:57:21 -Okay, we'll try this.
-Christ, yes. Fabulous. Whoo!
00:57:57:23 00:57:59:19 -All right.
-All right, so, ladies and gentlemen,
00:57:59:21 00:58:02:23 we now present our improvised sketch
entitled ''Do You Sell Grapefruit?''
00:58:03:00 00:58:05:03 Yes, I'm hot for this. Hot, hot, hottie.
00:58:05:05 00:58:07:13 Right. All right, okay.
00:58:09:13 00:58:10:13 What?
00:58:10:24 00:58:13:03 I'll be the grapefruit seller, you be the customer.
00:58:13:05 00:58:15:21 Oh, right. Yes, okay, right. Let's go. Right.
00:58:16:06 00:58:17:22 Wait a minute. What do I say?
00:58:19:09 00:58:22:03 -You make it up as you go along.
-Oh, I make it up as I go along, yes.
00:58:22:05 00:58:24:24 Oh, I'm excited about this. Yes, right, okay.
00:58:25:01 00:58:26:10 (MIMICKING DOOR CHIME)
00:58:26:22 00:58:28:23 Do you sell any grapefruit?
00:58:29:12 00:58:30:16 Yes.
00:58:37:08 00:58:38:22 Right, I'll have three, please.
00:58:39:24 00:58:41:21 They're 1 4 pence each.
00:58:43:01 00:58:45:18 -Here's 50p.
-Thank you.
00:58:46:21 00:58:51:05 Here's 8p change and your grapefruits.
00:58:51:16 00:58:52:24 Thank you.
00:58:53:22 00:58:55:24 -Well, we just made that one up!
-That's amazing.
00:58:56:01 00:58:58:00 -All up.
-Every word of it.
00:58:58:21 00:59:00:08 Unbelievable.
00:59:02:02 00:59:04:08 -We're very excited about it.
-Oh, yes, yes.
00:59:04:10 00:59:08:00 Well, seeing as being as how we're on a roll,
00:59:08:02 00:59:11:15 -does anybody have any other suggestions at all?
-Any more first lines?
00:59:11:17 00:59:13:03 MAN: You're wearing my hat.
00:59:13:05 00:59:16:20 -Well, yes, there could be something there.
-Good one. Any others?
00:59:17:08 00:59:18:15 MAN: Bugger off!
00:59:19:15 00:59:22:05 -Bugger off.
-Bugger off, now...
00:59:22:13 00:59:26:00 -It's not really a line, is it?
-No, it's more of a sort of idea, really.
00:59:29:00 00:59:31:02 -It's quite a good idea, though, isn't it?
-Yeah, yeah.
00:59:31:04 00:59:32:07 -Should we do it?
-Let's do it.
00:59:32:09 00:59:33:19 -We'll do it. We'll do it, right.
-Okay.
00:59:33:21 00:59:35:23 -Nice jacket. Tideymans?
-No, Allied.