00:00:05:20 00:00:08:13 Ah, good morning, sir. Can I help you?
00:00:08:20 00:00:12:09 (SHOUTING) Yes, I'd like eight packets
of condoms, please!
00:00:13:14 00:00:15:03 -Eight?
-Yes, please!
00:00:15:05 00:00:18:17 I'd like three Gossamer, three Fetherlite,
00:00:19:06 00:00:21:03 the new single by Jason Donovan
00:00:21:05 00:00:22:17 and, er...
00:00:24:00 00:00:27:02 I'd like two of the ribbed arouser!
00:00:27:04 00:00:28:05 (CLEARS THROAT)
00:00:28:07 00:00:30:04 -Jason Donovan?
-Yes, yes, that's right.
00:00:30:06 00:00:34:09 And can you make sure
they're Sensitol lubricated, please?
00:00:34:17 00:00:36:04 Jason Donovan?
00:01:24:03 00:01:26:12 (FOR HE IS AN ENGLISHMAN PLAYING)
00:01:30:21 00:01:42:06 # He remains an Englishman #
00:01:44:19 00:01:47:04 -Ambassador?
-Oh, Witty, isn't it?
00:01:47:06 00:01:48:07 Yes, sir.
00:01:48:09 00:01:50:08 Yes, a message just came through for you
00:01:50:10 00:01:52:19 from the Vice-Consul in Al-Rahad
marked ''most urgent''.
00:01:52:21 00:01:55:18 Oh, well, then, I suppose you'd better read it,
dear boy.
00:01:55:20 00:01:59:18 ''Twelve armoured divisions heading south.
Infantry build-up along border continues.
00:01:59:20 00:02:03:13 ''Every indication, repeat, every indication
that invasion is imminent.
00:02:03:15 00:02:05:10 ''Repeat, imminent.''
00:02:05:12 00:02:06:14 Hmm.
00:02:07:22 00:02:11:21 -Well, what should we do, sir?
-Good question, Witty. Very good question.
00:02:11:23 00:02:14:20 My feeling is that we should do The Mikado.
00:02:15:21 00:02:16:25 I'm sorry, sir?
00:02:17:02 00:02:20:24 I know a lot of the younger fellows in the Chancery
think it's time for a Pirates of Penzance,
00:02:21:01 00:02:23:09 -but there isn't a part in that for me, you see?
-I'm sorry, I don't...
00:02:23:11 00:02:26:25 Well, I don't want to seem a spoilsport,
but I do think there has to be a part in it for me.
00:02:27:02 00:02:29:10 And The Mikado seems
the most appropriate choice.
00:02:29:12 00:02:32:20 But surely, sir, there are...
There are more pressing calls upon our time.
00:02:32:22 00:02:35:09 Oh, the gymkhana, you mean? No.
00:02:35:11 00:02:39:17 I think we can let the wives sort that one out.
I've agreed to pin the winning rosette.
00:02:39:19 00:02:41:22 Julia is just going to have to be satisfied with that.
00:02:41:24 00:02:43:11 No, sir. No, the invasion.
00:02:43:13 00:02:46:20 I mean, unless he's stopped now,
there's gonna be the most appalling catastrophe.
00:02:46:22 00:02:49:07 Surely... Surely, we must at least
issue an ultimatum.
00:02:49:09 00:02:52:22 Oh, very well, Witty. Dispatch this.
00:02:53:12 00:02:56:24 ''Unless you withdraw soonest,
your ticket allocation
00:02:57:01 00:03:01:04 ''for our next Gilbert and Sullivan production
will be severely reduced.''
00:03:01:06 00:03:02:18 Ambassador, for heaven's sake.
00:03:02:20 00:03:05:08 Not strong enough, you think?
Oh, all right, scratch that.
00:03:05:10 00:03:07:14 Erm, ''Unless you withdraw soonest,
00:03:07:16 00:03:12:01 ''Derek Nimmo's touring production
of Separate Tables will not be cancelled.''
00:03:12:17 00:03:14:24 Ambassador, he is about to invade!
00:03:15:01 00:03:17:23 Within a matter of hours,
we could be on the brink of a world war.
00:03:18:00 00:03:21:02 You haven't been in the Foreign Office long,
have you, Witty?
00:03:21:04 00:03:25:07 -Three years, sir.
-Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
00:03:25:17 00:03:28:18 That means you missed
our last production of HMS Pinafore.
00:03:28:20 00:03:30:01 Yes, I'm afraid so, sir.
00:03:30:03 00:03:33:23 -Pity, pity. I wore one of Julia's dresses.
-Yes, I'd heard that, sir.
00:03:34:00 00:03:36:17 Little tight under the arms,
but otherwise surprisingly comfortable.
00:03:36:19 00:03:38:22 -Really, sir, but...
-(CHUCKLING) There was a...
00:03:38:24 00:03:41:10 There was a wonderful moment in the second act,
00:03:41:12 00:03:46:10 where I had to go downstage, as we say,
and kiss the wife of the First Secretary.
00:03:46:12 00:03:49:24 -But I tripped over an upturned...
-Ambassador, I'm sorry to interrupt,
00:03:50:01 00:03:52:09 but we are facing
an extremely dangerous situation here.
00:03:52:11 00:03:56:19 Surely it's our duty to inform London that
invasion is imminent and request instructions.
00:03:56:21 00:03:58:17 -I'll be honest with you, Witty.
-Sir?
00:03:58:19 00:04:00:10 I don't like you.
00:04:01:06 00:04:04:11 -Why not, sir?
-Because you're a troublemaker, that's why, Witty.
00:04:04:13 00:04:07:16 -And because you think you know it all.
-No, I don't, sir.
00:04:07:18 00:04:10:10 With respect,
we are paid astonishing amounts of money,
00:04:10:12 00:04:15:04 given servants, wine cellars,
automatic knighthoods and fantastic privileges,
00:04:15:06 00:04:18:01 just so that when moments like this arise,
we will be able to avert war.
00:04:18:03 00:04:19:11 That is our one function.
00:04:19:13 00:04:24:03 And we owe it to the peoples of the world to start
earning our money and actually do something.
00:04:24:05 00:04:27:03 -A pretty speech, Witty.
-Well, thank you, sir.
00:04:27:05 00:04:30:07 -Pretty and extremely convincing.
-Thank you very much, sir.
00:04:30:09 00:04:34:17 The Victoria Club at Rassan
holds a public speaking competition every April.
00:04:34:19 00:04:37:19 The first prize is only a silver cup,
but I think I might enter you.
00:04:37:21 00:04:41:05 Sir, there is not going to be a Victoria Club
in 24 hours' time.
00:04:41:07 00:04:44:07 -What are you talking about?
-It's right slap-bang next to the Sheikh's palace.
00:04:44:09 00:04:46:22 In the event of war,
it's gonna be the first target, bound to be.
00:04:46:24 00:04:49:22 Well, hell's bells, man, this has got to be stopped!
00:04:49:24 00:04:52:03 Who's the Foreign Secretary?
How do we get in touch with him?
00:04:52:05 00:04:55:12 -We send a signal from the cipher room, sir.
-Cipher room? Where's that?
00:04:55:14 00:04:59:09 -It's where we rehearsed The Gondoliers.
-Oh, that room, yes.
00:05:01:00 00:05:04:17 Oh, yes, yes. I'm very much a Daily Mail person.
00:05:05:23 00:05:08:10 Well, I prefer it to a newspaper, really.
00:05:10:11 00:05:14:13 In my dreams, I've played snooker
with Stephen Hendry,
00:05:14:15 00:05:19:04 I've sung with Barbra Streisand
and I've been to bed with Anneka Rice.
00:05:19:10 00:05:22:15 In reality, I've played snooker
with Barbra Streisand,
00:05:22:17 00:05:26:08 I've sung with Anneka Rice
and I've been to bed with Stephen Hendry.
00:05:26:10 00:05:29:12 Sometimes, life can be even better than a dream.
00:05:31:17 00:05:35:04 No, I can't stop, I'm afraid.
My wife is being towed away.
00:05:36:11 00:05:37:12 (GRUNTING)
00:05:37:14 00:05:38:17 Hello.
00:05:40:03 00:05:42:08 Don't know if you recognise this.
00:05:42:10 00:05:48:07 This is the ampersand we used
in the very first series of A Bit of Fry & Laurie.
00:05:49:04 00:05:53:17 All those years ago, way back when, in what...
Nineteen eighty, let me think, seven.
00:05:54:07 00:05:58:06 If you remember,
the words ''A Bit of Fry'' went on this side,
00:05:58:08 00:06:01:00 and the word ''Laurie'' went on this side.
00:06:01:02 00:06:03:07 'Cause an ampersand, of course, is a symbol,
isn't it?
00:06:03:09 00:06:07:07 It's a sort of character
that can stand for the word ''and''.
00:06:07:09 00:06:10:12 Now, ampersands, of course,
come in all shapes and sizes, don't they?
00:06:10:14 00:06:13:10 And I think I'm right in saying
that Hugh has a whole tabletop full of them.
00:06:13:12 00:06:16:02 -Isn't that right, Hugh?
-That's absolutely right, Stephen, yes.
00:06:16:04 00:06:19:09 Now, this one here for example,
we're very excited about.
00:06:19:11 00:06:21:10 This one has been lent to us from America,
00:06:21:12 00:06:24:24 where it was used in all five series
of Cagney & Lacey.
00:06:25:13 00:06:30:05 This is now permanently housed
in the Whitgift Ampersand Museum in Vermont.
00:06:30:07 00:06:33:03 And... Now, what about this one here?
This slippery fellow.
00:06:33:05 00:06:35:16 I wonder if you recognise this. Yeah? No?
00:06:35:18 00:06:39:13 Well, this was used in the second series only,
I think I'm right in saying,
00:06:39:15 00:06:43:01 of a programme called Food & Drink,
starring, of course, Chris Kelly
00:06:43:03 00:06:45:05 and produced by Peter Bazalgette.
00:06:45:07 00:06:48:04 -Of course, there are lots more, as you can see.
-Well, that's right.
00:06:48:06 00:06:50:10 Of course, it may surprise you to know
00:06:50:12 00:06:53:10 that you could well own an ampersand
of your very own.
00:06:53:12 00:06:56:10 If you have a computer
or old-fashioned typewriter,
00:06:56:12 00:07:00:22 you'll find you've probably got an ampersand
just above the number seven on your keyboard.
00:07:00:24 00:07:03:15 But, please, do remember,
if you want to print it out,
00:07:03:17 00:07:06:07 always press the shift button as well.
00:07:06:11 00:07:08:19 -All right?
-Until then, goodbye...
00:07:09:20 00:07:11:00 ...good luck.
00:07:17:22 00:07:21:07 Gentlemen, I believe you both know
the purpose of this meeting.
00:07:21:09 00:07:24:22 Thank you, Mr Tollerby, but the circumstances
of our meeting are well known to us.
00:07:24:24 00:07:26:21 There is no need of further explanation.
00:07:26:23 00:07:31:03 -Aye, let us be about the business.
-The business! Let us be about it.
00:07:31:05 00:07:32:06 Very well, gentlemen.
00:07:32:08 00:07:35:10 Let us be in the business
of going about the business.
00:07:35:12 00:07:38:03 -Very well, then.
-In hand.
00:07:38:07 00:07:41:11 Aye, the business in hand.
00:07:41:13 00:07:45:06 So be it.
Sir David, I understand the choice is yours.
00:07:45:08 00:07:47:07 -Sword or pistol?
-Sword.
00:07:47:16 00:07:50:10 -As you wish.
-It is the only weapon for a gentleman.
00:07:50:12 00:07:51:19 Just so.
00:07:51:21 00:07:55:20 That means, Mr Van Hoyle,
that you have the pistol.
00:07:55:22 00:07:57:06 Why, thank you, sir.
00:07:57:08 00:07:59:22 Now, gentlemen,
when you're both braced and ready,
00:07:59:24 00:08:03:14 -I shall drop the...
-No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait a minute.
00:08:03:16 00:08:05:14 -Is there something wrong, Sir David?
-Well...
00:08:05:16 00:08:07:10 Quick, man. The hour grows late.
00:08:07:12 00:08:10:23 Well, it's just that I sort of assumed,
you know, when you said sword or pistol,
00:08:11:00 00:08:13:10 that we'd both have the same one.
00:08:13:16 00:08:15:19 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm not with you.
00:08:15:21 00:08:18:20 Well, it's just that, you know,
I said ''sword'' thinking that would mean
00:08:18:22 00:08:20:07 we would both have a sword.
00:08:20:09 00:08:21:21 (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
00:08:21:23 00:08:23:08 Oh, I see.
00:08:23:22 00:08:25:03 -Well, it's a...
-Yes.
00:08:25:05 00:08:27:19 The thing is,
I only brought one of each, unfortunately.
00:08:27:21 00:08:29:02 Oh, shit.
00:08:29:04 00:08:31:09 -I mean, I'm sorry to make a fuss...
-No, no, no.
00:08:31:11 00:08:33:19 -I quite take your point.
-No, no, no.
00:08:34:18 00:08:36:21 Well, I wonder if there is anywhere
we could get a sword.
00:08:36:23 00:08:40:02 Oh, excuse me, you wouldn't happen
to have a sword on you, would you?
00:08:40:04 00:08:41:10 Twenty past seven.
00:08:43:13 00:08:46:21 -Damn.
-Well, we're stitched, aren't we?
00:08:46:23 00:08:50:13 How would it be if Mr Van Hoyle
were to take the pistol,
00:08:50:15 00:08:52:15 but promise not to fire it?
00:08:54:07 00:08:57:09 Oh, you mean...
Ah, you mean use the pistol as if it were a sword?
00:08:57:11 00:08:59:06 -REFEREE: Exactly.
-Suits me.
00:08:59:08 00:09:02:01 -(CHUCKLING) Hang on.
-Is that...?
00:09:02:03 00:09:05:24 Look, I mean, it wouldn't cut anything. It's blunt.
See? Nothing.
00:09:06:01 00:09:09:05 -Well, it stings.
-Oh, it stings? Yeah, well, it may sting,
00:09:09:07 00:09:12:00 -but it's not the same, is it, as a sword?
-Just a thought.
00:09:12:02 00:09:13:09 A crap one, if I may say so.
00:09:13:11 00:09:17:12 No, you see... No, no.
What we need is something that we've got two of.
00:09:17:14 00:09:19:13 I've got two brothers. No.
00:09:19:15 00:09:21:19 Oh, I'll tell you what. Ha, matches.
00:09:21:21 00:09:24:15 -What, you mean set fire to each other?
-Well, it's better than nothing.
00:09:24:17 00:09:27:21 -Oh, no. I've only got one left.
-Oh, piddle.
00:09:28:17 00:09:32:14 Bear with me. I have one last idea up my sleeve.
00:09:32:16 00:09:35:00 -What, a handkerchief?
-No, Sir David.
00:09:35:19 00:09:37:15 Two handkerchiefs.
00:09:38:10 00:09:43:09 Are you proposing that we duel to the death
with a pair of handkerchiefs?
00:09:43:11 00:09:47:03 I realise it's not ideal, Mr Van Hoyle,
but at least it would be fair.
00:09:47:05 00:09:51:17 It will take forever!
I have to be in town by 8:00 at the latest.
00:09:51:19 00:09:54:24 -We haven't got anything else, though, you see.
-Oh, very well.
00:09:55:01 00:09:58:19 -They better be clean, that's all.
-Scrupulously clean, I assure you.
00:09:58:21 00:10:03:04 Now, gentlemen, when you are both
braced and ready, I shall drop the hank...
00:10:04:12 00:10:08:01 -Oh, for heaven's sake.
-Arses.
00:10:08:23 00:10:12:17 Yeah, people often ask
what we keep under our helmets.
00:10:12:19 00:10:14:24 Well, I'll show you, all right?
00:10:24:06 00:10:26:06 Some bastard's nicked it.
00:10:28:21 00:10:32:23 EMF are good, so's KLF and OMD.
00:10:33:03 00:10:34:19 ELO are crap.
00:10:34:21 00:10:37:05 But the best is KLM. Do you know them?
00:10:37:07 00:10:40:09 Oh, they're great.
Cheap flights daily to Amsterdam.
00:10:41:13 00:10:44:17 Yeah, well, you might be interested
in this tie that I'm wearing.
00:10:44:19 00:10:48:19 It was sent to me by some friends in Nottingham.
It's called a Triple R tie.
00:10:48:21 00:10:52:08 And the Triple R is a club
for guys who've done three complete circuits
00:10:52:10 00:10:57:00 of the Nottingham Ring Road
in the passenger seat of a Vauxhall Carlton.
00:10:57:17 00:11:01:13 They've got about, well, more than 200 members.
00:11:01:15 00:11:05:13 And they have, you know, slide shows
and rallies and so on. It's a great club.
00:11:05:15 00:11:08:20 And I'm very proud to be a member.
So, thanks, guys.
00:11:11:07 00:11:15:24 If I had my druthers, as they say in America,
I should love to have met Oscar Wilde.
00:11:16:01 00:11:20:16 must have been a fascinating conversationalist
I should imagine he was very good in bed
00:11:22:13 00:11:24:00 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
00:11:24:02 00:11:27:14 We'd like to sing a song for you now, but we can't.
00:11:27:16 00:11:29:01 That is to say, my brother, Oren, can't,
00:11:29:03 00:11:33:02 being as how he suffered a strange
musical accident when he was a boy,
00:11:33:04 00:11:35:16 that caused lasting and everlasting damage.
00:11:35:18 00:11:38:03 So, if it's all the same to you, I'll sing the song
00:11:38:05 00:11:42:19 and my brother, Oren, will just tap along
to the strange rhythms in his head.
00:11:43:01 00:11:46:04 This song is called There Ain't But One Way.
00:11:47:00 00:11:49:09 -Sing the song, Vern.
-I'm singing the song, Oren.
00:11:49:11 00:11:51:17 Don't tell me to sing the song,
I'm singing the song.
00:11:51:19 00:11:52:20 Sing the song.
00:12:02:18 00:12:06:16 # Well, the world is facing problems
Getting bigger every day
00:12:06:18 00:12:10:19 # We got a greenhouse over Texas
And recession's on the way
00:12:10:21 00:12:15:10 # We got hunger in the third world
We got anger in the first
00:12:15:12 00:12:19:09 # Half the world is flooding
And the other's dying of thirst
00:12:19:11 00:12:24:02 # Although people tell you
That this planet's dying fast
00:12:24:14 00:12:28:18 # Well, I ain't seen a problem yet
Can't be solved by kickin' ass
00:12:28:20 00:12:30:19 # Kickin' ass
# Kickin' ass
00:12:30:21 00:12:32:22 # Kickin' ass is what we do
00:12:32:24 00:12:34:23 # Kickin' ass
# Kickin' ass
00:12:35:00 00:12:37:18 # Iron foot in the velvet shoe
00:12:38:13 00:12:43:09 # We don't care whose ass we kick
If we're ever all alone
00:12:43:11 00:12:47:18 # We just stand in front of the mirror
And try and kick our own
00:12:50:18 00:12:55:01 # Well, we kicked ass in Grenada
And we kicked ass in Iraq
00:12:55:03 00:12:59:12 # We've kicked the ass out of the ozone layer
Now they say we gotta kick it back
00:13:00:06 00:13:05:00 # We kicked the ass of cancer
And we'll kick the ass of AIDS
00:13:05:12 00:13:09:17 # And as for global warming
We'll just kick ass wearing shades
00:13:09:19 00:13:11:21 # Kickin' ass
# Kickin' ass
00:13:12:00 00:13:13:23 # Kickin' ass is what we do
00:13:14:00 00:13:16:01 # Kickin' ass
# Kickin' ass
00:13:16:03 00:13:19:02 # Iron foot in the velvet shoe
00:13:19:16 00:13:24:03 # We don't care whose ass we kick
If we're ever all alone
00:13:24:21 00:13:29:08 # We just stand in front of the mirror
And try and kick our own
00:13:30:00 00:13:34:12 # Well, you can move your ass and haul your ass
And busting ass is fine
00:13:34:14 00:13:38:15 # And there ain't a better place to put your ass
Than on the line
00:13:38:17 00:13:41:19 # But if you're like us
00:13:41:21 00:13:42:22 (WHOOPING)
00:13:42:24 00:13:44:00 Thank you.
00:13:44:02 00:13:46:05 # And you won't take second best
00:13:46:07 00:13:50:24 # You'll put your kickin' boots on
And kick like all the rest #
00:13:54:04 00:13:55:05 (HOWLING)
00:13:55:07 00:13:56:15 Thank you. Thank you.
00:13:56:17 00:13:58:25 -Thank you so much.
-Sing the song, Vern.
00:13:59:02 00:14:00:21 I sang the song.
00:14:00:23 00:14:03:06 -Sing the song.
-I sang the song.
00:14:03:08 00:14:04:22 Sing the song, Vern.
00:14:06:05 00:14:09:02 I think animal testing is a terrible idea.
00:14:09:04 00:14:11:18 They get all nervous and give silly answers.
00:14:13:20 00:14:16:22 Yeah, you know, it's a pity you couldn't make it
down to that club the other night.
00:14:16:24 00:14:20:12 -What, to Shaggers?
-Yeah, that is a cracking club, that. Cracking.
00:14:20:14 00:14:23:22 I mean, the crumpet there is first-rate.
I mean, excellent. Absolutely excellent.
00:14:23:24 00:14:26:03 Yeah, I'd heard the crumpet
was pretty top-drawer stuff.
00:14:26:05 00:14:28:04 -It was excellent. It was absolutely excellent.
-Yeah.
00:14:28:06 00:14:29:20 'Cause you're, what?
A gold member there, are you?
00:14:29:22 00:14:31:01 What, at Shaggers? Platinum.
00:14:31:03 00:14:32:13 -Oh, platinum?
-Yeah, yeah.
00:14:32:15 00:14:34:21 'Cause I just got my membership through
for Screwers.
00:14:34:23 00:14:37:13 -Really? Platinum?
-No, no, diamond with strontium edging.
00:14:37:15 00:14:39:19 Oh, that's excellent. Absolutely excellent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:14:39:21 00:14:42:20 Excuse me, I'm trying to get
some petrol out of pump number four.
00:14:42:22 00:14:46:24 -Yup.
-Well, it doesn't seem to work, can you... Hold on.
00:14:47:01 00:14:48:21 Don't I know you two from somewhere?
00:14:48:23 00:14:51:23 I don't believe I've had the pleasure, no.
Have you had the pleasure, Simon?
00:14:52:00 00:14:55:01 Don't believe I've had the pleasure
of having the pleasure, Nick, no.
00:14:55:03 00:14:57:10 Didn't you used to be estate agents?
00:14:57:12 00:14:58:14 Erm...
00:14:58:16 00:15:02:20 You did. You were estate agents at...
Where was it? Oh, Wilson and Routledge.
00:15:02:22 00:15:05:14 Well, yeah, we did at one point
dabble in the property game, yeah.
00:15:05:16 00:15:07:22 -Yeah, it is a game, isn't it?
-Oh, it's a game.
00:15:07:24 00:15:09:23 Yeah, I mean, the stakes are high,
not everyone can take it.
00:15:10:00 00:15:11:05 But it's a game nonetheless, yeah.
00:15:11:07 00:15:14:10 -And now you're running a petrol station?
-Now we're in the petrol game, yeah.
00:15:14:12 00:15:15:21 -And it is a game.
-Yeah.
00:15:15:23 00:15:18:08 Well, do you mind moving into
the switching-on-pump-number-four game,
00:15:18:10 00:15:19:15 'cause I'm in a bit of a hurry?
00:15:19:17 00:15:23:18 Yes, do you mind me asking you, first of all,
how much you're thinking of spending?
00:15:23:20 00:15:24:23 I beg your pardon?
00:15:25:00 00:15:29:04 Yeah, my colleague is trying to focus in
on your idea of a sort of spending bracket.
00:15:29:06 00:15:32:19 Look, I just want some petrol
out of pump number four.
00:15:32:21 00:15:34:21 -Yeah, that will be the Super Plus?
-Yes.
00:15:34:23 00:15:36:13 -Right. Er, Simon?
-Nick?
00:15:36:15 00:15:38:22 Details on the Super Plus.
Lady's in a bit of a hurry.
00:15:38:24 00:15:41:02 -Right you be.
-My colleague won't keep you waiting.
00:15:41:04 00:15:44:14 -Details?
-Super Plus, Super Plus... Here we are.
00:15:44:16 00:15:46:20 Oh, yes. Yeah, here we go.
00:15:46:22 00:15:52:08 ''Super Plus, a fine, well-presented petrol,
conveniently situated in a pump,
00:15:53:05 00:15:57:18 ''in an increasingly sought-after octane range,
ideal for the professional person.''
00:15:57:20 00:15:59:09 Yes, yes, and can I have some, please?
00:15:59:11 00:16:01:21 Simon, have we got the keys
to pump number four?
00:16:01:23 00:16:04:19 Oh, I'm not so sure about that.
There's been a lot of interest in Super Plus.
00:16:04:21 00:16:07:25 Oh, great deal of interest. Yeah, we've had
several motorists in here this afternoon,
00:16:08:02 00:16:11:16 -as a matter of fact, offering cash deals.
-Well, look, I'm offering a cash deal.
00:16:11:18 00:16:14:00 I want £1 0 worth of petrol.
00:16:14:02 00:16:17:01 -Yowza! Looks like the lady means business.
-Surely does, and then some.
00:16:17:03 00:16:19:18 So, £1 0 worth of Super Plus
would be what, Simon?
00:16:19:20 00:16:21:03 I'm on the case.
00:16:21:05 00:16:23:20 -That'll get you two pints.
-Two pints?
00:16:23:22 00:16:26:07 Yeah, that's what? £40 a gallon is it, Simon?
00:16:26:09 00:16:29:17 -Right as you'll ever be, Nick.
-£40? For a gallon of petrol?
00:16:29:19 00:16:32:02 -For a gallon of Super Plus.
-That is a top-drawer petrol.
00:16:32:04 00:16:33:15 -Oh, it's excellent, absolutely excellent.
-But I...
00:16:33:17 00:16:35:08 I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.
Nick, do you mind?
00:16:35:10 00:16:36:10 Carry on ahead.
00:16:36:12 00:16:39:01 -The lady's obviously keen.
-I read the lady as keen myself, Simon.
00:16:39:03 00:16:42:17 What's to stop me from ringing the owners
and asking if they'd be prepared to take an offer?
00:16:42:19 00:16:43:25 What are you talking about?
00:16:44:02 00:16:46:04 -Very unlikely, Simon.
-I'm not saying it'll work.
00:16:46:06 00:16:47:19 -I'm saying I'll give it my best shot.
-Okay, then.
00:16:47:21 00:16:48:21 Okay.
00:16:49:17 00:16:51:03 Right, so...
00:16:52:08 00:16:54:20 What does yourself do in the evenings,
I'm wondering?
00:16:54:22 00:16:56:13 Oh, good question there from my colleague.
00:16:56:15 00:16:59:01 Does yourself ever go down to Shaggers
in the King's Parade?
00:16:59:03 00:17:01:21 -Or Screwers in Horley Street?
-No, I'm afraid not.
00:17:01:23 00:17:04:25 That's a shame. Now, they're cracking clubs.
I mean, excellent, absolutely excellent.
00:17:05:02 00:17:09:07 Yeah, hello, Mrs Mobil? Yeah, Simon Flaccid here.
00:17:09:09 00:17:13:09 Listen, got a lady in
seems to be interested in the Super Plus.
00:17:13:11 00:17:16:25 Wonder whether you'd be prepared
perhaps to be flexible on the price?
00:17:17:24 00:17:20:08 All right. She's just gone to check with Mr Mobil.
00:17:20:10 00:17:23:06 Presumably, you're hoping
for a more attractive price?
00:17:23:08 00:17:25:12 -I was going to go for a more sensible price.
-Oh, good move, yeah.
00:17:25:14 00:17:27:18 Go for a sensible price first,
then an attractive price later.
00:17:27:20 00:17:29:24 -Yeah.
-I wouldn't mind if it was cheaper.
00:17:30:01 00:17:32:07 Cheaper? Well, it's been a long time
since I've heard that one.
00:17:32:09 00:17:34:10 -What's cheaper in new money, Simon?
-Beautifully priced.
00:17:34:12 00:17:37:06 Beautifully priced.
Yeah, well, let's see what old Simon can do.
00:17:37:08 00:17:41:18 Hello, yeah, Mrs Mobil? Right, yeah.
Oh, I see. Can do, yeah.
00:17:41:20 00:17:44:18 Mrs Mobil is anxious to dispose of the property
00:17:44:20 00:17:49:03 and she's prepared to let it go
for £1 .95 a gallon, immediate sale.
00:17:49:05 00:17:51:06 -Fine.
-Oh, lady says that's fine.
00:17:51:08 00:17:53:18 All right, we'll be back to you, Mrs Mobil.
00:17:53:20 00:17:56:11 -Right, can we get on with it?
-Yeah, let's fast-track this one.
00:17:56:13 00:18:00:23 -What about an arrangement to view...
-Why don't we say Friday at 1 1 :00?
00:18:01:00 00:18:03:22 -No, actually, Friday at 1 1 :00 is no good for me.
-Is it not? Well...
00:18:03:24 00:18:06:14 No, I'm showing some first-time drivers
around pump number six.
00:18:06:16 00:18:10:06 Well, it's gonna have to be
the arse end of next week, then.
00:18:10:08 00:18:12:15 -The arse end's clean for me.
-Is it, is it?
00:18:14:14 00:18:16:06 Because of the property slump,
00:18:16:08 00:18:20:01 25,000 estate agents,
who were safely confined in offices
00:18:20:03 00:18:22:05 have been forced out into the community.
00:18:22:07 00:18:26:07 It's a dreadful situation,
but you can do something to help.
00:18:26:15 00:18:29:18 £50 will get us an assault rifle or handgun.
00:18:30:00 00:18:35:06 Even 50 pence will buy enough ammunition
to deal with a team like Nick and Simon here.
00:18:35:20 00:18:38:01 So, please, give generously.
00:18:38:13 00:18:43:06 In the meantime, I'm going to have to decide
which of these two to shoot first.
00:18:43:11 00:18:44:17 Goodbye.
00:18:45:02 00:18:46:06 -Bye.
-Bye.
00:18:47:23 00:18:51:18 Hmm, jobs? Well, yes, I've had a variety of jobs
since I came to London.
00:18:51:20 00:18:55:10 I started off running
a mobile 24-hour discotheque
00:18:55:12 00:18:57:21 for the St John's Ambulance Brigade.
00:18:57:23 00:18:59:19 For when they have those big functions, you know.
00:18:59:21 00:19:01:16 They need a discotheque standing by, just in case.
00:19:01:18 00:19:04:15 We never need it, thank God,
but, you know, we were there.
00:19:04:17 00:19:07:17 And after that, I set up as a freelance nudist.
00:19:08:16 00:19:12:20 You know, odds and ends, weddings,
opening supermarkets.
00:19:12:22 00:19:15:16 Did a lot of work for Securicor, funnily enough.
00:19:15:18 00:19:18:11 Er, then came the big nudist crash of '87,
00:19:18:13 00:19:21:10 and I got out
and joined a removals firm in Notting Hill.
00:19:21:12 00:19:25:24 We did a job for a Saudi diplomat
called Nigel Havers.
00:19:27:07 00:19:30:24 So you can imagine the sort of stick he got,
having the same name as...
00:19:33:04 00:19:34:19 Nigel Havers, that's right.
00:19:34:21 00:19:37:08 Er, he was a nice enough chap.
We moved house for him.
00:19:37:10 00:19:40:03 He wanted his house moved down
to the end of the street,
00:19:40:05 00:19:42:00 as he said it was easier to park there.
00:19:42:02 00:19:45:18 The funny thing was that we'd just finished it
and put the last slate back on the roof,
00:19:45:20 00:19:48:07 and this Austin 1 1 00 came
and parked right in front,
00:19:48:09 00:19:51:00 so we had to move it all back again. But...
00:19:51:03 00:19:53:01 Happy days, happy days.
00:19:53:10 00:19:54:19 Then, erm...
00:19:55:10 00:19:58:10 Let me see,
I had a couple of months in the white slave trade.
00:19:59:08 00:20:01:17 On the selling side, I should point out.
00:20:01:19 00:20:04:17 It was just, you know, telephone stuff.
Mostly mail order work, in fact.
00:20:04:19 00:20:06:20 It was pretty dull, but that got me my next job,
00:20:06:22 00:20:10:07 which was as director
of pharmaceutical research for ICI.
00:20:10:22 00:20:13:04 God knows why,
'cause I don't know anything about drugs.
00:20:13:06 00:20:16:03 But I did do a pretty good interview.
00:20:16:20 00:20:18:12 But they rumbled me, eventually.
00:20:18:14 00:20:21:14 All I could think of to say was that
the pills ought to be oblong instead of round.
00:20:21:16 00:20:23:19 And after a couple of years of that, you know,
they threw me out.
00:20:23:21 00:20:25:12 Which was just fine with me,
'cause I needed a break.
00:20:25:14 00:20:29:17 And I went and joined this group
of travelling loss adjusters.
00:20:29:24 00:20:32:23 Because in the summer, you see,
there aren't many losses that need adjusting.
00:20:33:00 00:20:35:16 And what they do is that
they go round the seaside resorts
00:20:35:18 00:20:39:08 putting on loss-adjusting shows for children,
which was great fun.
00:20:39:10 00:20:42:04 God, we drank a lot, though.
Those loss adjusters can stick it away.
00:20:42:06 00:20:43:13 It's unbelievable.
00:20:43:15 00:20:47:15 Then after that, I spent a couple of months
as Princess Anne's assistant.
00:20:48:03 00:20:50:13 Well, I chucked that in because,
you know, it's perfectly obvious
00:20:50:15 00:20:54:02 they were never going to make me Princess Anne,
no matter how well I did the job.
00:20:54:04 00:20:57:07 And it was a question of who you were,
00:20:57:09 00:21:01:12 rather than how well you did the job,
and I hate that. I just can't bear that.
00:21:04:01 00:21:08:06 I was very shocked when my son told me
that his boyfriend was homosexual.
00:21:09:11 00:21:13:06 Oh, yeah, I was in the hospital
when my youngest was born,
00:21:13:16 00:21:15:04 having my appendix out.
00:21:16:14 00:21:19:05 What do I think of John Major's leadership?
00:21:19:07 00:21:20:11 I'd welcome it.
00:21:20:13 00:21:22:14 (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
00:21:32:12 00:21:36:02 Well, first, may I say what a privilege
this is for my company,
00:21:36:04 00:21:40:21 and that I hope that this will be the start
of a long and fruitful European cooperation.
00:21:40:23 00:21:42:19 -So, shall we begin?
-Mmm-hmm.
00:21:43:10 00:21:46:01 Now, first of all, Mrs Carry Bannerchief...
00:21:46:17 00:21:49:18 Tistrada mempot cloonystart,
00:21:49:20 00:21:54:03 wesker memenchyfud,
billiant bolliant belliant, Messi Carry Bannerchief.
00:21:54:18 00:21:56:06 My company...
00:21:56:19 00:22:02:10 Hip lokerbelly wimey wimey wimey
bobular custole fensefiper...
00:22:03:09 00:22:04:12 ...would...
00:22:06:04 00:22:11:06 ...stisterhar bababulan cotrotty...weethlethwisk...
00:22:12:09 00:22:13:14 ...like...
00:22:15:10 00:22:17:22 ...marpy fanholer crikerbomb
00:22:18:11 00:22:21:07 yelymasterman incy gobtratter...
00:22:22:15 00:22:26:13 ...to tie up a far-reaching European deal
with your company.
00:22:27:18 00:22:28:20 ...te.
00:22:32:04 00:22:34:02 But I hope you will agree...
00:22:34:11 00:22:39:10 Wop bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum...
00:22:40:00 00:22:42:24 ...that the price must be fair to both parties.
00:22:43:12 00:22:45:06 ...linhakky tutular...
00:22:45:09 00:22:46:14 Er...
00:22:47:00 00:22:48:05 Problem?
00:22:48:07 00:22:52:18 Well, it's just that
there's no such word as ''price'' in Strom.
00:22:53:03 00:22:56:19 -Oh, well, cost?
-Not really.
00:22:57:00 00:22:59:06 -Hinty pepapular?
-Fatcock.
00:23:01:17 00:23:03:00 But you... Well, you must have a word
00:23:03:02 00:23:05:05 for the amount of money
that is to be paid for something?
00:23:05:07 00:23:08:12 Not really. There's ''hifty bewn-hate''.
00:23:09:07 00:23:10:22 Right, and what does that mean?
00:23:10:24 00:23:15:12 Well, it means ''price''
in the sense of ''exploding vest''.
00:23:17:12 00:23:21:05 There's no sense in which ''price''
means ''exploding vest''.
00:23:21:22 00:23:23:24 Well, it's the closest we get.
00:23:24:21 00:23:29:19 Well, all right, the exploding vest
must be fair to both parties.
00:23:30:06 00:23:35:04 -Hifty bewn-hate. Hippy hap-wipe.
-Weethle-wisk prenty arse.
00:23:35:18 00:23:37:24 -That would be perfectly sofa factory.
-Right.
00:23:38:01 00:23:41:12 Well, all that remains is the long-term contracts...
00:23:41:14 00:23:43:13 (BOTH SNICKERING)
00:23:45:10 00:23:46:22 Sorry, what's so...
00:23:49:07 00:23:53:04 -You said, ''Long-term contracts.''
-Yes?
00:23:53:06 00:23:55:07 Yes, well, you see, to us that's very funny,
00:23:55:09 00:23:59:20 because long-term contracts
is what you would call a wee-wee.
00:23:59:22 00:24:00:22 Wee-wee.
00:24:01:10 00:24:03:09 -Is it, really?
-Yes.
00:24:05:18 00:24:06:24 Well,
00:24:07:01 00:24:10:03 the long-term contract
00:24:10:23 00:24:14:04 -for after-sales service.
-What?
00:24:14:20 00:24:16:12 After-sales service.
00:24:19:07 00:24:21:06 Fudd nob!
00:24:21:14 00:24:22:18 Ow!
00:24:22:20 00:24:26:15 -Well, I do apologise.
-What on earth did she do that for?
00:24:26:17 00:24:30:19 Well, I think maybe Mrs Carry Bannerchief
wasn't so happy you should insult her.
00:24:30:21 00:24:32:23 All I said was after-sales service.
00:24:34:13 00:24:36:23 So you do speak Strom, after all?
00:24:37:00 00:24:39:04 No, well... No. I mean, what does it mean?
00:24:39:06 00:24:40:24 Well, it's very hard to define,
00:24:41:01 00:24:44:06 but I could show you if I had a goat
00:24:44:08 00:24:47:17 and four pairs of Marigold washing up gloves,
00:24:47:19 00:24:51:12 and a very short billiard cue,
and a local radio weatherman...
00:24:51:14 00:24:55:01 But that would only hint at what the word means.
00:24:56:01 00:24:57:02 Oh, dear.
00:24:58:06 00:25:02:00 -Oh, well, what now?
-You said, ''Oh, dear.''
00:25:02:02 00:25:04:01 Well, what does ''dear'' mean?
00:25:05:08 00:25:08:03 You really are cruising for a bruising.
00:25:10:23 00:25:14:08 ''Dear'' is a very bad word to say.
00:25:14:10 00:25:18:12 It means, in our...
Well, it means a sort of animal with wet noses
00:25:18:14 00:25:21:06 and big, soft brown eyes and the antlings.
00:25:21:08 00:25:23:19 And it's the worst thing you can call anybody.
00:25:24:10 00:25:27:08 So, well, I suggest we have a cooling-off period.
00:25:27:10 00:25:32:00 You go and consult your principals.
I'll try and placate Mrs Carry Bannerchief.
00:27:17:14 00:27:22:09 LAURIE: Any luck with Mrs Carry Bannerchief?
FRY: No, I'm afraid she's inconsolables.
00:27:22:11 00:27:24:22 LAURIE: Well, this is more than
a little embarrassing.
00:27:24:24 00:27:27:20 I had hoped by the end of today
to tie up all the details.
00:27:29:09 00:27:32:02 -How dare you!
-What now? I mean, what have I...
00:27:32:04 00:27:34:12 -For goodness' sake.
-''Sake''?
00:27:38:03 00:27:39:17 (BOTH CLAMOURING)
00:27:39:19 00:27:41:01 Careful!
00:27:43:20 00:27:45:05 FRY: Mind my glasses.
00:27:53:17 00:27:55:17 -Well, that's about it for this week.
-That's right.
00:27:56:02 00:27:57:20 -Time, the old enemy...
-Oh, shut up.
00:27:57:22 00:27:59:10 Right, I'm sorry.
00:28:00:03 00:28:02:02 So, until we meet again,
00:28:02:04 00:28:05:12 -it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:28:05:14 00:28:08:12 We're going to leave you
with tonight's cocktail recipe,
00:28:08:14 00:28:11:02 A Slow Snog With A Distant Relative.
00:28:11:04 00:28:14:03 For this, you'll need three measures brandy,
00:28:14:05 00:28:17:11 two of dark rum, one of white gin, one of yellow,
00:28:17:13 00:28:19:18 a spoonful of crushed sugar puffs,
00:28:19:20 00:28:22:24 two hard-boiled eggs and an open-toed sandal.
00:28:23:01 00:28:25:06 Size nine, if you can get it.
00:28:25:08 00:28:27:24 Please, Mr Music, will you play?
00:28:29:00 00:28:31:06 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:28:50:08 00:28:52:10 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:29:14:22 00:29:16:03 Enjoy.
00:29:16:05 00:29:17:22 -Soupy twist.
-Soupy twist.
00:29:19:04 00:29:20:07 (LAURIE EXCLAIMING)