00:00:36:15 00:00:40:07 Hello, we haven't met. Terry Swale.
My wife tells me you're new to Yorkshire.
00:00:40:09 00:00:42:22 Yes, that's right.
I'm a bit of a southerner, I'm afraid.
00:00:42:24 00:00:44:13 Whoops. Can't have that.
00:00:46:24 00:00:50:05 No, no. But my wife's family's
from Sheriff Hutton, though.
00:00:50:07 00:00:52:21 Ah, well, there's some hope for you then, eh?
00:00:56:18 00:00:58:13 I must say everyone seems very friendly.
00:00:58:15 00:01:01:08 Well, you know, it's not all cloth-caps
and whippets up here.
00:01:01:10 00:01:04:14 We have heard of avocados
and hot and cold running water.
00:01:07:07 00:01:10:18 Hot and cold running water, that's priceless.
00:01:12:11 00:01:14:04 -So, you live...
-Boroughbridge way.
00:01:14:06 00:01:15:06 Ah, lovely.
00:01:15:08 00:01:17:02 We got the Moors handy and the Dales.
00:01:17:04 00:01:19:23 You know, in 1 0 minutes we can be
in York, Ripon, Harrogate. We like it.
00:01:20:00 00:01:23:04 Mmm. Lots of good air and lovely walks,
I should imagine.
00:01:23:17 00:01:26:05 -Yes, we have all got cars, you know.
-Well, naturally.
00:01:26:07 00:01:28:22 -It's not all fell-walking and climbing boots.
-No.
00:01:28:24 00:01:31:05 You should see some of the traffic we get
in Thirsk and Harrogate.
00:01:31:07 00:01:32:08 -Really?
-Mmm.
00:01:32:10 00:01:35:19 The pollution in Leeds can rival anything
you've got down south, we'd like to think.
00:01:35:21 00:01:38:19 yes it can sometimes take me two hours
to get to work there's so many cars
00:01:38:21 00:01:40:24 Yes, that can be terrible.
God, I remember when I was in London,
00:01:41:01 00:01:43:09 I used to have to get everywhere by bicycle.
00:01:43:11 00:01:47:12 Can't move for bicycles in Ripon.
Worst bicycle jams in Europe.
00:01:47:14 00:01:49:10 Oh, really? Hmm.
00:01:49:12 00:01:51:10 Still, the point is, it's the quality of life, isn't it?
00:01:51:12 00:01:54:14 It's a place to bring up your kids in.
Less of the seamier side of everything.
00:01:54:16 00:01:57:15 We have heard of sex and violence, you know.
00:01:57:21 00:02:02:07 We like to think that there are more
drug-related muggings, beatings and rapings
00:02:02:09 00:02:05:22 in the vale of York
than anywhere outside Washington, DC.
00:02:05:24 00:02:07:19 -See that woman over there?
-Yes.
00:02:07:21 00:02:12:07 Sally Oldcastle. Runs the biggest crack kitchen
in the Northern Hemisphere.
00:02:12:09 00:02:14:22 And what's more, she's not stuck up.
00:02:15:12 00:02:18:11 -So, really, it's much the same as London, then?
-You said it, pal.
00:02:18:13 00:02:21:22 Anything you've got down south we've got
more of at the Arndale centre in Ripon.
00:02:21:24 00:02:26:09 And it's cheaper, and more expensive,
and you can't park.
00:02:26:20 00:02:29:20 Hmm, I see. Right.
00:02:30:05 00:02:34:12 Well, I must be on my way.
I think I'll just translocate myself home.
00:02:34:14 00:02:36:15 -What?
-I'll just translocate myself home
00:02:36:17 00:02:39:16 with this personal translocation podule.
00:02:39:18 00:02:41:08 What the hell's that, then?
00:02:41:10 00:02:43:13 Well, it's much the same
as a domestic translocation podule
00:02:43:15 00:02:46:04 except you can wear it on your wrist.
That's the only difference, really.
00:02:46:06 00:02:47:08 Yeah, what does it do?
00:02:47:10 00:02:49:06 Well, I just punch in the coordinates
of where I want to go
00:02:49:08 00:02:53:17 and my molecular structure disintegrates
and reassembles in my chosen destination.
00:02:53:24 00:02:55:12 Hang on, hang on.
00:02:56:01 00:02:58:17 -Wait, you mean like Star Trek?
-What?
00:02:59:01 00:03:01:07 You mean, you go all wobbly and disappear?
00:03:01:09 00:03:02:23 -My God!
-What?
00:03:03:00 00:03:04:19 You mean, you haven't come across these?
00:03:04:21 00:03:06:24 Oh, they're all the rage down south.
00:03:07:01 00:03:11:03 Oh, yes. My daughter bought me this
at a petrol station, actually.
00:03:11:05 00:03:14:18 It's just a Sinclair version.
You should see some of the Japanese ones.
00:03:14:20 00:03:16:15 Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
00:03:16:17 00:03:20:17 If you've all got them things,
what do you need petrol stations for?
00:03:20:19 00:03:22:10 Everlasting life.
00:03:22:18 00:03:24:07 You must have heard that.
00:03:24:09 00:03:27:13 Oh, yes. They discovered it
a couple of years ago in Southampton.
00:03:27:15 00:03:31:07 If you drink a couple of pints of petrol,
you live forever.
00:03:31:09 00:03:33:20 -Oh, yeah, we've heard of that. Oh, yeah.
-Have you?
00:03:33:22 00:03:37:07 Oh, we drink petrol up here. Live forever, we do.
Yeah, sometimes longer.
00:03:37:09 00:03:41:03 Oh, I should hope so.
I'm just amazed you haven't heard of these.
00:03:41:05 00:03:43:05 -Who said we haven't heard of them?
-Well, it's just...
00:03:43:07 00:03:46:13 Bloody designed and built up here,
them things, you know.
00:03:46:15 00:03:48:02 Oh, yeah, we've had them for years.
00:03:48:04 00:03:49:19 -They've come and gone, as a matter of fact.
-Have they?
00:03:49:21 00:03:51:22 Oh, yeah. It was a craze for a while.
00:03:51:24 00:03:54:19 No, I'm just surprised to see someone
still using one of them.
00:03:54:21 00:03:56:19 It's been bloody years
since I've seen one of them.
00:03:56:21 00:03:58:19 Oh, would you like a go at mine
for old times' sake, then?
00:03:58:21 00:04:00:22 Er, no, thanks very much, no.
00:04:01:13 00:04:02:21 I had a couple of drinks, you know.
00:04:02:23 00:04:06:12 Don't wanna get pulled over by the law
when your molecules are all over the place.
00:04:06:14 00:04:09:09 Right. Well, I best be on my way, then.
00:04:09:18 00:04:11:24 Still, nice to see you. Come on, boy.
00:04:12:01 00:04:13:05 What are those, then?
00:04:13:07 00:04:16:11 Cloth-cap and whippet.
They're all the rage down south.
00:04:20:06 00:04:24:01 There was a pneumatic drill outside our house
all night last night.
00:04:24:09 00:04:26:11 Fortunately, it wasn't turned on.
00:04:28:20 00:04:31:01 ''Love thy neighbour as thyself,'' I said.
00:04:31:03 00:04:34:10 ''Surely, surely that's not too difficult
a commandment.''
00:04:34:12 00:04:37:03 ''Ah, well,'' he said,
that's all very well for you to say.
00:04:37:05 00:04:40:08 ''But you don't live next door to Esther Rantzen
and Desmond Wilcox.''
00:04:41:00 00:04:43:22 Er, no, I don't mind being interviewed, no.
00:04:46:09 00:04:48:04 European federalism?
00:04:52:05 00:04:54:10 You got any other questions?
00:04:55:19 00:04:57:05 -Hello.
-Certainly.
00:04:57:07 00:05:00:03 Well, as you can see,
00:05:00:05 00:05:03:02 we've had lots of letters, erm,
00:05:03:04 00:05:06:02 in response to our name quest.
00:05:06:04 00:05:11:05 Yes, we know that most of you out there
have met people with amusing or unusual names.
00:05:11:07 00:05:15:18 And so we asked you to send in
and write and tell us what names they were.
00:05:15:20 00:05:18:01 Yes, and what corkers you've sent us.
Thanks so much.
00:05:18:03 00:05:21:00 Yes, I've, for instance, got a letter here.
00:05:21:10 00:05:23:14 ''Dear Mr Fry and Laurie,
00:05:24:07 00:05:27:23 ''There is a man who comes
to wash my windows once a month
00:05:28:00 00:05:30:18 ''whose name is Jervillian Swike.
00:05:31:13 00:05:33:13 ''It always makes me laugh a great deal.''
00:05:33:15 00:05:37:21 That was sent in by Mr Suckmaster Burstingfoam
of Ipswich.
00:05:40:19 00:05:43:05 This is an absolute favourite of mine here.
00:05:43:07 00:05:47:21 ''Dear A Bit of Fry & Laurie,
I was at school with a boy called Donald Duck
00:05:48:08 00:05:52:06 ''and later went out
with a woman named Soilia Piffin.
00:05:52:24 00:05:55:00 ''Yours, Peter Cummin-Myear.''
00:05:56:23 00:05:59:22 £5 on its way to you, Mr Cummin-Myear.
00:06:01:08 00:06:02:10 Well, then here's another.
00:06:02:12 00:06:05:02 ''Dear 'A Bit of Fry & Laurie',
00:06:05:04 00:06:08:15 ''My wife's first husband was called Simon Coggie.
00:06:09:16 00:06:13:03 ''I still split my sides
whenever I hear that stupid name.
00:06:13:07 00:06:16:11 ''Yours faithfully, Frigmy Popplehate-Fresharse.''
00:06:17:10 00:06:19:14 Well, absolutely tremendous response all around.
00:06:19:16 00:06:22:24 Thanks so much to those of you who sent these in.
Meanwhile...
00:06:44:07 00:06:46:13 LAURIE: Big Ears to see Mother Goose.
00:07:01:03 00:07:04:24 Alan, my dear boy. Glad you could make it.
Shan't keep you a moment.
00:07:05:01 00:07:08:03 -No problem.
-Three or four buttons on the cuff, sir?
00:07:08:05 00:07:11:00 Oh, I'm not really sure. What do you think, Alan?
00:07:11:02 00:07:13:06 -Three is plenty.
-You think?
00:07:13:08 00:07:15:11 The lighter the cuff, the faster you move.
00:07:15:13 00:07:17:20 Four is normal nowadays, sir.
00:07:17:22 00:07:21:05 Hmm, well, tell you what.
What about three on the left, four on the right?
00:07:21:07 00:07:22:10 Very good, sir.
00:07:22:12 00:07:25:23 Now, I daresay you're wondering
why I asked you here.
00:07:26:14 00:07:29:02 Well, I assumed you wanted a suit made.
00:07:30:08 00:07:34:06 -Hmm. Alan, do you know why I asked you here?
-No.
00:07:34:08 00:07:36:15 You're an outsider, Alan.
That means I can trust you.
00:07:36:17 00:07:38:25 Excuse me, sir. Trousers?
00:07:39:02 00:07:42:20 Oh, yes, I think so. Got to have trousers.
Look a complete arse without trousers.
00:07:42:22 00:07:46:15 Yes, sir. Did you envisage zip or button fly?
00:07:47:01 00:07:49:22 Hmm. Tricky one. Views, Alan?
00:07:49:24 00:07:51:20 Personally, I'm a Velcro man.
00:07:51:22 00:07:54:13 -Bit noisy, isn't it?
-Noisy but fast.
00:07:54:15 00:07:57:16 By the time they've heard your flies,
it's a lifetime too late.
00:07:57:18 00:08:00:09 Right. So, Velcro it is, then.
00:08:00:11 00:08:04:14 Now, Alan,
I have a little theory I'd like to put to you.
00:08:04:16 00:08:08:23 -I'm listening.
-The department is rotten. Rotten to the core.
00:08:09:03 00:08:10:24 Am I ringing any bells with you?
00:08:11:01 00:08:12:14 You're saying the department is rotten.
00:08:12:16 00:08:14:04 -One other thing, sir.
-Yes?
00:08:14:06 00:08:15:23 Which side do you dress?
00:08:16:00 00:08:18:04 Nearest the window, usually.
00:08:18:22 00:08:21:21 I want you to cast your mind back to Berlin.
00:08:23:17 00:08:24:22 Problem?
00:08:25:05 00:08:27:23 You told me to draw a line after Berlin, sir.
00:08:28:00 00:08:30:02 Walk away and forget, you said.
00:08:30:04 00:08:33:12 Yes, you had to leave in rather a hurry, didn't you?
00:08:33:14 00:08:35:05 I can't remember.
00:08:35:14 00:08:37:23 -Ticket pocket, sir?
-What?
00:08:38:03 00:08:41:18 -For the waistcoat.
-Ticket pocket. Ticket pocket. Ticket pocket.
00:08:41:20 00:08:43:09 No, I don't think so.
00:08:43:11 00:08:46:08 Hermoine and I don't seem to get out
to the theatre as much as we used to.
00:08:46:10 00:08:47:21 Be rather a waste.
00:08:48:04 00:08:49:19 Look, if you've hauled me all the way out here...
00:08:49:21 00:08:53:05 -Now, calm yourself, Alan!
-(MUTTERING) ...chicken tikka masala.
00:08:53:07 00:08:55:22 There's reason in my madness.
00:08:57:03 00:09:00:09 What do you know of Carl Albert Beiderbeck?
00:09:00:11 00:09:05:01 Beiderbeck. 5'1 1 '', medium eyes, blue build,
00:09:05:09 00:09:07:17 father was a Romanian circus acrobat,
00:09:07:19 00:09:10:13 did some courier work
for the Soviets in the late '50s,
00:09:10:15 00:09:14:09 mother was a small business advisor
for the Midland Bank in Altrincham,
00:09:14:11 00:09:19:13 a jujitsu, small arms, big feet, fluent at the violin,
00:09:19:15 00:09:22:12 distinguishing marks:
a small mole in his garden
00:09:23:01 00:09:26:02 -I'm impressed, Alan.
-I've seen the file.
00:09:26:04 00:09:29:17 Well, then you are one of the few people
in the department who has.
00:09:29:19 00:09:31:21 -Meaning?
-Meaning,
00:09:32:11 00:09:36:06 well, then you are one of the few people
in the department who has.
00:09:36:08 00:09:37:12 I see.
00:09:38:01 00:09:41:23 The Beiderbeck file went walkies six weeks ago.
It hasn't been seen since.
00:09:42:00 00:09:43:22 Hence your rotten apple theory.
00:09:43:24 00:09:47:00 No, hence my rotten department theory.
00:09:47:02 00:09:49:12 I don't really have a rotten apple theory.
00:09:49:14 00:09:52:13 -Who drew the file last?
-That's what I want you to find out.
00:09:52:15 00:09:53:15 I'm begging your pardon, sir.
00:09:53:17 00:09:55:25 Oh, no, you're not going to ask me
a question about turn-ups, are you?
00:09:56:02 00:09:59:04 Oh, no, sir. About the Beiderbeck file.
00:09:59:06 00:10:00:08 Yes?
00:10:00:10 00:10:03:07 I was the last person to draw the file.
00:10:04:04 00:10:05:04 You?
00:10:05:06 00:10:08:16 Mr Beiderbeck wanted a suit made.
Said he was going on a trip.
00:10:08:18 00:10:12:04 And where he was headed,
no one knew how to cut cloth properly.
00:10:12:06 00:10:16:08 He couldn't come in for a fitting,
so I had to get his measurements from the file.
00:10:16:10 00:10:19:14 Well, I'll be rogered with a stiff-wired brush.
00:10:27:10 00:10:28:17 (SINGING SQUEAKILY)
00:10:28:19 00:10:31:02 # Hey Jude
00:10:31:11 00:10:34:13 # Don't make it bad
00:10:34:24 00:10:37:11 # Take a sad song
00:10:37:19 00:10:40:16 # And make it better
00:10:41:18 00:10:46:07 # Remember to let her into your heart
00:10:47:00 00:10:49:05 # Then you can start
00:10:49:19 00:10:53:03 # To make it better
00:10:55:14 00:10:58:17 # And any time you feel the pain
00:10:58:19 00:11:01:23 # Hey Jude, refrain
00:11:02:00 00:11:04:25 # Don't carry the world
00:11:05:02 00:11:08:21 # Upon your shoulders
00:11:11:11 00:11:14:14 # For well you know that it's a fool
00:11:14:16 00:11:17:16 # Who plays it cool
00:11:17:18 00:11:20:23 # By making his world
00:11:21:00 00:11:24:13 # A little colder
00:11:25:06 00:11:27:15 # La la la la la
00:11:27:17 00:11:29:17 # La la la
00:11:30:08 00:11:31:08 Come on, Jude!
00:11:32:02 00:11:34:15 # Hey Jude
00:11:34:23 00:11:37:18 # Don't make it bad
00:11:38:10 00:11:41:02 # Take a sad song
00:11:41:05 00:11:44:01 # And make it better
00:11:45:05 00:11:49:14 # Remember to let her under your skin
00:11:50:06 00:11:52:13 # Then you begin
00:11:53:02 00:11:55:21 # To make it better
00:11:55:23 00:12:00:13 # Better, better, better, better, better. Yeah!
00:12:00:15 00:12:05:11 # Na na na na-na-na-naaa
00:12:06:01 00:12:08:03 # Na-na-na-naaaa
00:12:08:05 00:12:10:01 # Hey Jude
00:12:10:09 00:12:11:13 Come on, Stephen!
00:12:11:15 00:12:12:15 (CROAKING)
00:12:12:17 00:12:18:07 # Na na na na-na-na-na
00:12:18:19 00:12:21:01 # Na-na-na-na
00:12:21:03 00:12:22:17 # Hey Jude
00:12:23:09 00:12:24:17 All right!
00:12:25:03 00:12:31:02 TOGETHER: # Na na na na-na-na-na
00:12:31:09 00:12:33:14 # Na-na-na-na
00:12:33:16 00:12:35:20 # Hey Jude
00:12:35:22 00:12:37:09 One more time!
00:12:37:13 00:12:43:09 TOGETHER: # Na na na na-na-na-na
00:12:44:01 00:12:46:19 # Na-na-na-na
00:12:46:21 00:12:49:16 # Hey Jude #
00:12:54:01 00:12:55:09 Thank you.
00:13:02:02 00:13:05:21 I don't know if I ever told you
about the day I forgot my legs.
00:13:08:13 00:13:10:01 I can't remember which day it was.
00:13:10:03 00:13:12:15 It was one of the ones that happened in 1 987.
00:13:12:17 00:13:15:07 Can't recall which one exactly, there were so many.
00:13:15:09 00:13:18:02 In particular, there were
quite a lot of Tuesdays then, I remember.
00:13:18:04 00:13:20:04 So I have a feeling it may have been one of those.
00:13:20:06 00:13:24:17 Anyway, I was on my way into work
with Sir Peter Thorneycroft, no relation,
00:13:24:19 00:13:27:03 one fresh June morning in early May
00:13:27:05 00:13:30:04 and we took the shortcut across the fields.
00:13:30:18 00:13:32:24 I stooped, I recall, to pick a buttercup.
00:13:33:01 00:13:36:03 Why people leave buttocks lying around,
I have no idea.
00:13:45:12 00:13:47:04 The gentlest breeze
00:13:47:06 00:13:50:14 and mildest camemberts
were packed in our hamper
00:13:51:00 00:13:53:17 and all nature seemed to be holding its breath.
00:13:53:19 00:13:55:21 We made good time by taking a back way
00:13:55:23 00:13:58:15 across what was then
the main Corpusty to Saxmundham road.
00:13:58:17 00:14:02:23 I was just remarking to Peter
how still and peaceful everything was
00:14:03:00 00:14:04:25 when he suddenly agreed with me,
00:14:05:02 00:14:08:17 and said how he thought
everything was still and peaceful too.
00:14:08:19 00:14:12:24 You know how if you half-close your eyes
you can't see so well?
00:14:13:16 00:14:17:14 Well, I just discovered that it was equally true
if you half-opened them.
00:14:17:16 00:14:19:24 And I was pointing this out to him
00:14:20:01 00:14:23:24 when I suddenly noticed
that I had completely forgotten my legs.
00:14:24:11 00:14:27:03 Well, we had to go back for them
and the moment was spoiled
00:14:27:05 00:14:31:25 and three years later, almost to the decade,
Margaret Thatcher was hounded from office.
00:14:32:09 00:14:37:05 I sometimes muse on what might have happened
if I had forgotten my ears, as well.
00:14:37:10 00:14:40:17 Never go back, ladies and gentlemen,
never go back.
00:14:43:17 00:14:46:25 I cried the day Margaret Thatcher resigned.
00:14:47:02 00:14:49:09 I cried and cried and cried.
00:14:49:11 00:14:52:01 And then my husband and I,
and I remember this very clearly,
00:14:52:03 00:14:56:16 we went out into the garden
and we slaughtered a goat in a ritual sacrifice.
00:15:01:06 00:15:05:05 -Ah, Terry, Terry, Terry, thanks for dropping by.
-No problem.
00:15:05:07 00:15:06:19 You got my memo, I take it?
00:15:06:21 00:15:08:12 -The one asking me to drop by?
-That's the one.
00:15:08:14 00:15:10:20 -Yeah. Got it this morning.
-Excellent.
00:15:10:22 00:15:13:21 -Er, you got mine, hopefully?
-Yours? No, I don't think I did.
00:15:13:23 00:15:16:16 -It's not important. It just said I would drop by.
-Ah.
00:15:16:18 00:15:20:10 I expect it's in my ''in'' tray.
I think Carol's probably dealt with it.
00:15:20:12 00:15:24:03 -How is Carol, by the way?
-Carol? Er, hang on a sec.
00:15:24:18 00:15:26:12 -Carol?
-Yes.
00:15:26:15 00:15:28:18 -How are you?
-Fine, thank you.
00:15:28:20 00:15:30:16 -She's fine.
-Oh, good.
00:15:30:18 00:15:33:02 I thought she was but I didn't have
the paperwork in front of me.
00:15:33:04 00:15:36:00 -Anyway, worth checking.
-Absolutely.
00:15:36:05 00:15:39:06 Now, Terry, Terry, Terry.
00:15:40:07 00:15:43:19 Terry, would you mind if I just went over
a small recap of your career here.
00:15:43:21 00:15:44:24 No problem.
00:15:45:01 00:15:48:22 Right. Now, you've been with this company for,
well, getting on for three years.
00:15:48:24 00:15:50:08 Seven, actually.
00:15:50:12 00:15:53:01 Seven? Well, I've got three written down here.
00:15:53:03 00:15:56:16 Well, thanks for putting me right on that. Right.
Nearly seven years.
00:15:56:18 00:16:00:00 And how would you describe your duties with us
here in that time?
00:16:00:02 00:16:01:10 Well, as personnel manager,
00:16:01:12 00:16:04:12 I guess it's been down to me
to look after the hiring and firing round here.
00:16:04:14 00:16:06:10 -Hiring and...
-Firing.
00:16:06:18 00:16:09:06 Firing. Firing. Firing.
00:16:10:00 00:16:11:13 Two ''F's'' in ''firing''?
00:16:11:22 00:16:14:23 -No, just one. Mmm-hmm.
-Just one? Oh, yes.
00:16:15:00 00:16:19:05 Yes, now that I look at it,
it looks silly with two, doesn't it? Yes. Firing.
00:16:19:07 00:16:23:12 Of course, by firing I take it you don't mean rifles
or anything of that sort, do you?
00:16:23:14 00:16:26:07 No. You mean sacking or dismissing employees.
00:16:26:09 00:16:29:20 That's right, yeah. Although a rifle
would come in handy every now and then.
00:16:29:22 00:16:31:20 Would it? My dear fellow, you should have said.
00:16:32:09 00:16:33:09 Not really.
00:16:33:11 00:16:36:17 I've also given courses of instruction
to senior management.
00:16:36:19 00:16:38:20 -In how to fire people.
-That's right.
00:16:38:22 00:16:40:24 Well, believe me, Terry,
this company is immensely grateful
00:16:41:01 00:16:43:10 for all the guidance you've given us
in senior management
00:16:43:12 00:16:47:20 on how to fire, sack
and dismiss employees from their jobs.
00:16:47:22 00:16:49:18 Well, I aim to please.
00:16:50:03 00:16:52:10 Aim to please. Fire to please.
00:16:52:12 00:16:54:06 That's it. You know, that's very good.
00:16:55:08 00:16:58:09 Now, Terry, I have a problem.
00:16:58:16 00:16:59:18 Fire away.
00:17:00:00 00:17:04:17 Ha...ha...ha...ha...ha.
00:17:05:09 00:17:09:14 Yes. Terry, supposing there was someone
I wanted to fire.
00:17:09:18 00:17:13:02 Well, you know,
I always advise directness and candour.
00:17:13:04 00:17:14:17 Directness and...
00:17:14:19 00:17:16:16 -Two ''S's'' in ''directness''?
-That's right.
00:17:16:18 00:17:20:22 I start off with a brief recap of their career,
how long they've held their current job.
00:17:20:24 00:17:22:04 Done that.
00:17:22:06 00:17:26:11 And then go on to tell them directly
and candidly that they're fired.
00:17:26:13 00:17:28:02 -Just like that?
-Just like that.
00:17:28:04 00:17:31:00 So, sort of, ''Terry, you're fired,''
would, you think, meet the case?
00:17:31:02 00:17:32:23 -Absolutely.
-Oh, well.
00:17:33:00 00:17:34:19 Terry, you're fired.
00:17:34:21 00:17:37:12 -That's it.
-Hmm, hmm.
00:17:37:14 00:17:39:04 -Terry.
-Yup?
00:17:39:06 00:17:41:13 -You're fired.
-That's perfect.
00:17:43:06 00:17:45:18 Yes. Terry, you are actually fired.
00:17:45:20 00:17:47:24 No, no, you only have to say it once.
00:17:48:01 00:17:49:22 -Ah, no need to repeat it?
-Best not to.
00:17:49:24 00:17:51:22 Right, so having said, ''Terry, you are fired,''
00:17:51:24 00:17:54:05 you would ideally get up
and walk out of this building.
00:17:54:07 00:17:55:18 -Sometimes.
-Sometimes?
00:17:55:20 00:17:58:11 Sometimes, I might break down in tears,
beg you to take me back.
00:17:58:13 00:17:59:19 -Oh, dear.
-I know.
00:17:59:21 00:18:00:21 Well, we don't want that.
00:18:00:23 00:18:04:01 Other times, I might just get very quiet and nod.
00:18:04:06 00:18:06:20 Well, that was more the sort of thing
I had in mind, I must say.
00:18:06:22 00:18:09:03 It varies from case to case.
Depends on the individual.
00:18:09:05 00:18:10:24 -What about you?
-Me?
00:18:11:01 00:18:13:04 Yes, would you say you were a nodder or a crier?
00:18:13:06 00:18:15:03 Well, you never really know till it's happening.
00:18:15:05 00:18:16:13 I see. I see.
00:18:16:15 00:18:18:03 I think I'm a nodder.
00:18:18:05 00:18:20:22 A nodder. Right. Nodder. Good.
00:18:21:14 00:18:22:18 -Terry.
-Yeah?
00:18:22:20 00:18:24:01 You're fired.
00:18:24:03 00:18:25:15 That's great.
00:18:27:01 00:18:29:10 -Terry, you're fired.
-Just once.
00:18:29:19 00:18:31:02 Yes, yes.
00:18:31:04 00:18:34:02 And if the person you are firing
doesn't take you seriously?
00:18:34:04 00:18:35:08 -Oh, well, that often happens.
-Does it?
00:18:35:10 00:18:36:20 Often happens. The thing to do then
00:18:36:22 00:18:39:16 is just to look them straight in the eyes
and tell them.
00:18:39:18 00:18:40:22 I see.
00:18:41:04 00:18:44:13 Terry, you're fired.
00:18:45:07 00:18:47:22 Just like that. That's it. That's perfect.
00:18:48:14 00:18:51:01 Good. Thank you. Yes.
00:18:51:03 00:18:55:02 -So, well, is that all?
-No, there is one other thing, Terry.
00:18:55:10 00:18:56:15 Perhaps you can help me out.
00:18:56:17 00:19:00:08 I'm having the most terrible difficulty
firing somebody.
00:19:00:10 00:19:03:04 -Mmm-hmm.
-I've done everything you've suggested,
00:19:03:06 00:19:04:22 directness with two ''S's'', candour,
00:19:04:24 00:19:06:16 I've looked them in the eyes.
00:19:06:18 00:19:09:20 Yeah, they just can't take it on board.
They can't accept that it relates to them.
00:19:09:22 00:19:12:02 -That is very common. Very common indeed, yeah.
-Is it?
00:19:12:04 00:19:14:23 If you like, just give me their name, department.
I'll take care of it for you.
00:19:15:00 00:19:15:25 Terry, would you?
00:19:16:02 00:19:19:07 Oh, that would be the most enormous burden
off my shoulders. How kind.
00:19:19:09 00:19:22:10 -That's what I'm here for.
-Yes, I suppose it is, isn't it?
00:19:23:06 00:19:25:04 So, love to Carol.
00:19:25:18 00:19:28:17 -Maybe, catch you later.
-Possibly, possibly.
00:19:32:23 00:19:34:09 You bastard!
00:19:35:16 00:19:38:00 I thought you said you were a nodder.
00:19:39:23 00:19:42:05 FRY AS DAVID COLEMAN:
So, Emlyn, what happened next?
00:19:42:07 00:19:44:02 Well, what's happened is that the lad,
00:19:44:04 00:19:47:05 he's read the bit of paper
with his name on it, and...
00:19:50:00 00:19:54:00 What I think is that the lad is... He's gone back in,
00:19:54:02 00:19:56:25 and the lad is... He's broke down in tears
00:19:57:02 00:19:59:20 and the other lad, sitting behind the desk
00:19:59:22 00:20:03:09 is giving him his hanky
to, you know, dry his tears with.
00:20:03:11 00:20:05:16 -I see. So that's what you think happened.
-Yeah, that's what happened, yeah.
00:20:05:18 00:20:09:03 -Yeah, you think he came in, broke down in tears...
-Yeah, he gives him a hanky, yeah.
00:20:09:05 00:20:10:09 -That's your answer?
-Yeah.
00:20:10:11 00:20:12:16 -You don't want to change your mind?
-No, that is definitely what happened.
00:20:12:18 00:20:15:20 So you think he came in, broke down in tears,
00:20:15:22 00:20:18:08 was then given a handkerchief
with which he wiped his face?
00:20:18:10 00:20:20:11 -That's what happened.
-That's what you think happened next?
00:20:20:13 00:20:21:23 -Yes!
-And you don't want to change your mind?
00:20:22:00 00:20:23:07 No, that is what happened.
00:20:23:09 00:20:25:09 -You're sticking to that answer. I see.
-Yes!
00:20:25:11 00:20:30:03 Well, Emlyn, you are absolutely rrrriiiii...
00:20:30:05 00:20:33:01 orrrriiiiorr...
00:20:33:22 00:20:35:21 So, Emlyn, what happened next?
00:20:35:23 00:20:39:05 -Well, he's... The lad's answered the question...
-Yes?
00:20:39:07 00:20:41:15 ...and then he's got so pissed off,
00:20:41:17 00:20:45:06 because the host of the programme won't tell him
whether the answer is right or not,
00:20:45:08 00:20:49:02 that the lad, what he's done is,
he's pulled out a gun, and he shot him.
00:20:49:04 00:20:50:06 -He shot him?
-Yeah.
00:20:50:08 00:20:51:10 -He shot him?
-Yeah.
00:20:51:12 00:20:52:13 -He shot him?
-Yeah.
00:20:52:15 00:20:54:04 -You think he shot him?
-He shot him.
00:20:54:06 00:20:57:02 You think he's pulled out a gun
because he is so annoyed at not being told...
00:20:57:04 00:20:58:24 -Yes! Yes!
-...whether his answers are right or wrong,
00:20:59:01 00:21:02:20 that he's pulled out a gun
and he shot the host of the programme?
00:21:02:22 00:21:04:04 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:21:04:06 00:21:05:15 -You don't want to change your mind?
-No.
00:21:05:17 00:21:06:20 -You think that happened?
-Yes!
00:21:06:22 00:21:11:08 Well, Emlyn, you are absolutely rrrrriiiiiiiii...
00:21:12:16 00:21:13:16 (GUN FIRING)
00:21:14:13 00:21:16:07 ...absolutely right.
00:21:57:01 00:21:59:18 £20? So I said, ''I'll toss you for it.''
00:21:59:20 00:22:02:11 And he said, ''What would you do for £50?''
00:22:05:12 00:22:08:23 Excuse me, you, er, you have got permission
to film here, do you?
00:22:09:00 00:22:11:19 -MAN ON RADIO: 1 43, 1 43.
-Hold on a sec.
00:22:11:21 00:22:15:17 -I'll put the answerphone on.
-Hello, PC-1 43.
00:22:15:19 00:22:18:04 I'm afraid I'm unable to take your call
at the moment.
00:22:18:06 00:22:20:24 -But if you'd like to leave a message,
-Now, the only reason I ask
00:22:21:01 00:22:23:20 -please speak slowly and clearly after the bleep.
-is that we've had a lot of burglaries
00:22:23:22 00:22:25:12 -Thank you for calling. Bye.
-with people pretending to be film crews
00:22:25:14 00:22:27:05 and actually stealing Japanese bonsai trees.
00:22:27:19 00:22:31:02 Shoe shop?
Well, there is one just round the corner.
00:22:31:04 00:22:32:10 I should be careful, though.
00:22:32:12 00:22:34:07 (BELL RINGING)
00:22:34:09 00:22:37:00 -Good morning.
-I beg your pardon?
00:22:37:02 00:22:40:06 -I said good morning.
-Good morning to you, sir.
00:22:40:08 00:22:42:18 Mr Dalliard, we have a gentleman in the shop.
00:22:42:20 00:22:46:19 I have parried his opening remark,
and we are now having a pleasant conversation.
00:22:46:21 00:22:49:23 Mr Dalliard will be joining us as soon as is likely.
00:22:50:08 00:22:51:17 Well, indeed, sir. Good morning.
00:22:51:19 00:22:54:16 Though of course, one says good morning,
does one not, Mr...
00:22:54:18 00:22:57:21 -Pardoe.
-One says good morning, does one not, Mr Jowett?
00:22:57:23 00:23:01:04 But, in fact, if you were kind enough
to look outside the door,
00:23:01:06 00:23:05:00 which is conveniently situated just over there,
for Christ's sake,
00:23:05:02 00:23:06:24 you will see that it is far from a good morning.
00:23:07:01 00:23:10:08 It is, in fact, rather win...try.
00:23:12:06 00:23:15:07 -Yes, I suppose it is rather.
-Very, very win...
00:23:16:21 00:23:18:20 -Try?
-Indeed.
00:23:18:22 00:23:23:13 So, from win...triness to you, young Master Jowett,
00:23:23:15 00:23:26:03 -how may we serve?
-Well, I was after a pair of shoes.
00:23:26:05 00:23:28:22 Very well, I shall serve them first.
00:23:31:16 00:23:36:01 No. I meant I am looking for a pair of shoes.
00:23:36:03 00:23:37:08 -To buy?
-To buy.
00:23:37:10 00:23:41:16 Mr Dalliard, the gentleman wants to buy
a pair of shoes.
00:23:42:07 00:23:45:04 Really? Oh, what rotten, decomposing luck.
00:23:45:10 00:23:48:01 Mr Dalliard tells me we have no shoes.
00:23:48:03 00:23:50:03 I must say, you've got very good hearing.
00:23:50:05 00:23:53:20 -I beg your pardon?
-Well, I couldn't hear your Mr Dalliard at all.
00:23:53:22 00:23:56:04 -My Mr Dalliard?
-Yes, the fellow who was...
00:23:56:06 00:23:58:09 -Oh, sir, I've confused you.
-Have you?
00:23:58:11 00:24:01:01 Yes, I should make it clearer
than a Waterford bedpan
00:24:01:03 00:24:03:20 that he is not my Mr Dalliard.
00:24:04:07 00:24:07:07 He's everybody's Mr Dalliard.
00:24:07:12 00:24:09:12 A gift to the nation, if you like.
00:24:09:14 00:24:12:16 As much my Mr Dalliard as your Mr Dalliard,
00:24:12:18 00:24:14:18 or, dare I say it, and I think I dare,
00:24:14:20 00:24:17:20 Graham Gooch's Mr Dalliard.
00:24:17:24 00:24:19:09 Graham Gooch?
00:24:19:11 00:24:22:18 So it looks, sir, as if you've come
to exactly the wrong place.
00:24:22:20 00:24:24:10 I advise you to leave by the door,
00:24:24:12 00:24:27:23 which is still conveniently situated
just over there, for Christ's sake,
00:24:28:00 00:24:31:13 walk 1 7 paces to your left
and turn into the small shoe shop
00:24:31:15 00:24:35:20 that you will find next
to a branch of Finlay's, the tobacco people.
00:24:36:02 00:24:37:13 You mean, this isn't a shoe shop?
00:24:37:15 00:24:40:11 Good Lord and lots else besides, no, Mrs Jowett.
00:24:40:13 00:24:43:01 -But...
-This a place where people come
00:24:43:03 00:24:47:03 to meet and talk privately
in an intimate, informal atmosphere
00:24:47:05 00:24:51:02 with a view to a massage
or several rounds of sexual intercourse.
00:24:53:18 00:24:55:17 -What?
-This is a place where people...
00:24:55:19 00:24:57:18 You mean this is a brothel?
00:24:57:21 00:25:00:01 I dislike the word ''brothel'', Mr Jowett.
00:25:00:03 00:25:01:18 I prefer the word ''brothels''.
00:25:01:20 00:25:04:07 Yes, this is a brothels.
00:25:05:01 00:25:07:05 But what about the shoes?
00:25:07:13 00:25:09:04 -Shoes?
-Well, these.
00:25:09:08 00:25:11:19 Those are my prostitutes, Mr Jowett.
00:25:13:00 00:25:14:08 Prostitutes?
00:25:14:17 00:25:17:13 You mean people pay to have sex with these?
00:25:17:16 00:25:20:08 Very much, of course, they pay, Lady Jowett.
00:25:20:10 00:25:22:05 I am not a charitable organisation,
00:25:22:07 00:25:25:21 much though the evidence may point
to my being reasonably tall.
00:25:27:09 00:25:28:12 Lots of people?
00:25:28:14 00:25:34:04 Ah. I fancy I detect a wrinkle of concern
in your otherwise smooth and tobogganable brow.
00:25:34:08 00:25:35:23 Yes, your intimations are right.
00:25:36:00 00:25:39:06 Business is not what it was,
it is not even what it is.
00:25:39:09 00:25:42:04 It may not even be what it will be. We shall see.
If it...
00:25:42:06 00:25:45:06 Mr Dalliard, I've started to talk drivel now.
00:25:47:00 00:25:51:02 You mean to say, really, having sex with shoes.
00:25:51:04 00:25:53:04 -Sir?
-Well, it seems very...
00:25:53:06 00:25:54:25 -Very?
-Very...
00:25:55:02 00:25:56:05 Very?
00:25:56:10 00:25:58:10 -Well, very...
-Well, very?
00:25:58:24 00:26:00:02 Oh, I don't know.
00:26:00:04 00:26:03:09 Yes, it does. It seems very, ''Oh, I don't know,''
doesn't it, sir?
00:26:03:11 00:26:05:05 I mean if... I mean, this...
00:26:05:07 00:26:09:11 Fredericka is perhaps the most popular moccasin
in this brothels, sir.
00:26:09:13 00:26:12:06 -Well, I grant you the lining is very...
-£20.
00:26:12:08 00:26:14:20 -What?
-You have just inserted your hand
00:26:14:22 00:26:18:08 right into Fredericka's most intimate
interior partlets.
00:26:19:04 00:26:22:06 You cannot be expected to do such a thing gratis.
00:26:22:08 00:26:24:13 -But I...
-£20.
00:26:25:09 00:26:27:15 That's all I get for £20, is it? Just a feel?
00:26:27:17 00:26:30:24 No, no, no.
If you were to go into the copulatorium thither
00:26:31:01 00:26:33:10 with Fredericka and a partner of your choice,
00:26:33:12 00:26:36:07 you can sauce her to your heart's con...
00:26:36:23 00:26:38:21 -Tent?
-I see. Well...
00:26:40:07 00:26:44:18 As I'm here, I suppose...
Yes, all right, I'll take this one.
00:26:45:05 00:26:46:16 Sir, that is more than my job is worth.
00:26:46:18 00:26:50:10 If you want that kind of thing,
I suggest you go to the Philippines.
00:26:51:18 00:26:55:22 All right. Well, I'll take Fredericka and this one.
00:26:56:08 00:26:58:10 Very good, sir, Fredericka and Colin.
00:26:58:12 00:27:01:04 -Through there. You have half an hour.
-Colin?
00:27:01:06 00:27:04:16 I won't tell a soul, sir,
discretion is my middle letter.
00:27:06:16 00:27:10:19 Mr Dalliard, we have a three-way.
Meet you at the peep-hole!
00:27:12:23 00:27:15:05 Well, that's about it for this week.
00:27:15:07 00:27:19:09 -That's right. Sadly the clock has beaten us.
-Oh, do be quiet, Hugh.
00:27:19:11 00:27:20:13 Right.
00:27:21:03 00:27:24:17 So, until we happen into each other again
in the corridor of life,
00:27:24:19 00:27:27:20 -it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:27:27:22 00:27:30:02 And it's good night from me.
00:27:30:05 00:27:33:14 We're going to leave you
with tonight's cocktail recipe.
00:27:33:17 00:27:37:23 This one is called,
''Everything in the Till and No Sudden Moves''.
00:27:38:00 00:27:40:19 You can have fun asking for that in your local bar.
00:27:40:22 00:27:44:00 And for it you need four measures of gin,
00:27:44:02 00:27:47:06 rum, brandy, whisky, tequila, Angostura bitters,
00:27:47:08 00:27:49:06 and a sprint of orange juice
00:27:49:09 00:27:52:13 and a pack of ordinary playing cards.
00:27:52:20 00:27:55:10 Please, Mr Music, will you play?
00:27:55:12 00:27:57:08 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:28:17:15 00:28:20:10 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:28:43:01 00:28:45:02 -Soupy Twist.
-Soupy Twist.