00:00:36:15 00:00:38:01 (DOORBELL JINGLING)
00:00:40:03 00:00:41:08 Help you, chuck?
00:00:41:10 00:00:45:05 Well, I don't know.
I don't know as if you can help me.
00:00:45:09 00:00:47:22 Have you got any get well cards?
00:00:47:24 00:00:50:04 Dozens, we've got dozens. Dozens, we've got.
00:00:50:06 00:00:53:15 Oh, that's all very high and dandy,
but have you got one?
00:00:54:07 00:00:58:13 You see, it's me daughter's 21 st, a week Friday.
00:00:58:15 00:01:00:13 Oh, well you want a birthday card then, pet.
00:01:00:15 00:01:03:03 Oh, I wish it were that simple, I do.
00:01:03:07 00:01:05:15 No, it's just... Well, let me explain.
00:01:05:17 00:01:09:12 My wife...
Well, she's me second wife, you understand?
00:01:09:14 00:01:13:15 My first wife drowned in a mixed salad in 1 978.
00:01:14:09 00:01:16:20 My second wife is a younger lady.
00:01:16:22 00:01:18:20 -Like myself?
-Like yourself.
00:01:18:22 00:01:21:06 Yes, very like yourself.
00:01:21:10 00:01:24:04 Slightly heavier beard-line, though.
00:01:25:11 00:01:27:20 I've got a photo somewhere.
00:01:27:22 00:01:28:23 Oh, lovely.
00:01:29:00 00:01:32:10 Yes, but it's of the Bolton Wanderers reserves
playing away at Blackburn,
00:01:32:12 00:01:34:12 so it's of no use.
00:01:35:14 00:01:39:12 My second wife, you see,
she's a difficult woman, very jealous.
00:01:39:14 00:01:42:04 She doesn't like to see younger ladies around.
00:01:42:06 00:01:45:15 It reminds her that she's getting on herself,
you see?
00:01:45:18 00:01:48:17 And as I say, it's me daughter's 21 st, Friday week.
00:01:48:19 00:01:50:16 So, that'll be her stepdaughter?
00:01:50:18 00:01:53:03 -Her stepdaughter, that's right, yes.
-Yes, yes, yes.
00:01:53:09 00:01:57:07 Well, you see, it'll get her all in a bother
and remind her how old she's getting.
00:01:57:09 00:02:00:11 Oh, well, it's never easy being a stepmother, is it?
00:02:00:13 00:02:04:14 Well, that's right, you see, so she'll have a spasm,
she'll have a jealous spasm.
00:02:04:16 00:02:07:07 -A spasm?
-A spasm, she'll have one of her spasms.
00:02:07:09 00:02:09:18 They can be nasty, them spasms, yes.
00:02:09:20 00:02:13:23 Well, that's right, you see,
that's why I'd like a get well card, good and ready.
00:02:14:00 00:02:16:07 Well, you know, we got one here.
00:02:17:01 00:02:19:05 It's got a nice printed message.
00:02:19:08 00:02:22:17 ''Sorry about the varicose veins, get well soon.''
00:02:23:24 00:02:28:21 Oh, yes, it's grand that, it's lovely,
but I'm not sure as it's appropriate.
00:02:28:23 00:02:31:08 Do they all have specific messages?
00:02:31:10 00:02:35:02 Well, they do nowadays, yes.
It's the acid rain, I think.
00:02:36:01 00:02:39:17 Now, let's see. Hold up, chucker-pet.
Oh no, this is more like.
00:02:39:19 00:02:43:15 ''Sorry to hear your teeth fell out
in the Arndale Centre.
00:02:44:08 00:02:47:13 ''All my love, Thomas.'' Hmm?
00:02:48:05 00:02:50:23 My, that is specific, isn't it?
00:02:51:00 00:02:53:21 It is specific, doll, that's the charm.
00:02:53:23 00:02:57:24 I see, I do see, but it's still not quite right.
Have you got anything else?
00:02:58:01 00:03:01:11 Well, now then, how about a nice printed poem?
00:03:01:14 00:03:06:00 ''I'm right sorry to learn ya
Succumbed to another nasty hernia
00:03:06:10 00:03:10:13 ''You mustn't lift what you cannot carry
All the best, your grandson, Harry''
00:03:11:24 00:03:13:18 I'll take that on the off-chance.
00:03:15:04 00:03:16:10 What off-chance, duck?
00:03:16:12 00:03:20:20 Well, on the off-chance that I change my name
from Fred to Harry,
00:03:20:22 00:03:24:19 and me grandmother comes back to life
and has another nasty hernia.
00:03:24:21 00:03:28:01 -I mean, you never know.
-Well, just as well to make sure, isn't it?
00:03:28:03 00:03:30:06 But we must have something here
that meets your case, petty-love.
00:03:30:08 00:03:32:07 Ah, now, look, here we go.
00:03:32:09 00:03:35:21 ''Where are your youthful years?
Your stepdaughter has 'em.
00:03:35:24 00:03:38:10 ''That's why you had such a dreadful spasm.
00:03:38:12 00:03:42:11 ''Hope you recover very quick.
Your loving husband, Frederick.''
00:03:42:18 00:03:44:10 That's what you're after.
00:03:45:02 00:03:48:09 Oh, what a pity. Oh, what a shame.
00:03:48:11 00:03:51:06 I'm Alfred, you see, not Frederick.
00:03:51:08 00:03:53:14 Oh, that is a shame, yes.
00:03:53:16 00:03:57:05 -Oh, well, I'll best forget it.
-Well, I'll tell you what, in that case.
00:03:57:07 00:03:58:16 Best take one of these from me then.
00:03:58:18 00:04:00:21 Oh, hello, what's this?
00:04:00:23 00:04:03:24 ''Poor old Alfred, life is hard.
00:04:04:01 00:04:07:07 ''You tried to buy a get well card.
00:04:07:13 00:04:09:23 ''There wasn't one to meet your case.
00:04:10:00 00:04:12:12 ''Ever so sorry, much love, Trace.''
00:04:12:14 00:04:15:12 -That's me.
-Oh, bless you, chuck.
00:04:15:19 00:04:18:16 Well, it's the least I could do, dove pot.
00:04:21:19 00:04:24:11 Hello, I'm Tony Inchpractice.
00:04:25:03 00:04:28:04 Welcome to Photocopying My Genitals With...
00:04:29:00 00:04:33:04 Tonight, I shall be photocopying my genitals
with Sir Alan Beaverby,
00:04:33:06 00:04:35:15 one time Labour Employment Secretary,
00:04:35:17 00:04:38:08 now an active member
of the International Orphans Trust.
00:04:38:10 00:04:40:04 Good evening, Sir Alan.
Thanks for coming on the show.
00:04:40:06 00:04:41:17 Good evening, Tony. Nice of you to have me on.
00:04:41:19 00:04:44:21 Right, well, Sir Alan, the equipment is ready.
00:04:46:22 00:04:49:11 -So, shall I go first?
-Yes, after you, Tony.
00:04:49:13 00:04:50:14 Right.
00:04:50:16 00:04:52:03 Now, Sir Alan,
00:04:53:17 00:04:58:10 you recently retired from politics after
a quarter of a century in the House of Commons.
00:04:58:12 00:05:00:14 Was that a particularly sad time for you?
00:05:00:16 00:05:02:19 Well, naturally.
One makes a great many friends in politics.
00:05:02:21 00:05:04:18 It was a great pity to have to leave them behind,
as it were.
00:05:04:20 00:05:06:00 Right, right.
00:05:06:02 00:05:08:02 Now, would you mind
pressing the buttons for me?
00:05:08:04 00:05:11:01 No, not at all.
How many copies do we usually have?
00:05:11:11 00:05:14:03 Well, one for each of us and one for luck.
00:05:14:05 00:05:15:17 Fine, yeah, that's fine, yes.
00:05:15:19 00:05:16:19 Right.
00:05:16:22 00:05:21:02 Now, Sir Alan, in the late '60s
you suffered a particularly harrowing time,
00:05:21:04 00:05:24:11 when it was suggested that you were involved
in the Dobro property scandal.
00:05:24:13 00:05:26:22 Were you at all tempted to leave politics then?
00:05:26:24 00:05:28:10 Well, naturally I was, yes.
00:05:28:12 00:05:31:02 But my wife was adamant that I should stay on
and so I did.
00:05:31:04 00:05:32:21 Right, and...
00:05:35:13 00:05:38:05 Do you still keep in touch
with the political scene now?
00:05:38:07 00:05:39:24 Oh, yes, I'm still very active in my constituency
00:05:40:01 00:05:42:22 and I like to drop into the House of Commons
visitors' gallery whenever I can.
00:05:42:24 00:05:44:23 Right, right. Well, Sir Alan, your turn.
00:05:45:00 00:05:46:07 Right.
00:05:47:08 00:05:49:23 Would it be all right
if I did something slightly different here?
00:05:50:00 00:05:51:01 I don't see why not.
00:05:51:03 00:05:53:19 It's just I'd be more interested
in photocopying my bottom.
00:05:53:21 00:05:55:12 I don't know if that's all right.
00:05:56:12 00:05:59:16 I see no reason why you shouldn't do that.
Can we do that?
00:05:59:21 00:06:01:13 Yes, yes, we can do that.
00:06:01:24 00:06:03:20 Would you like me to hold anything?
00:06:05:07 00:06:06:19 No, no.
00:06:06:21 00:06:09:14 I'll just hop on here, if that's all right.
00:06:09:16 00:06:11:00 Right you are, then.
00:06:11:02 00:06:12:05 So...
00:06:12:10 00:06:13:18 Three copies?
00:06:15:22 00:06:19:03 Again, you know,
I don't want to go bucking the system,
00:06:19:05 00:06:21:14 and making a nuisance of myself,
00:06:21:16 00:06:24:12 but would it be all right if we had 1 00 copies?
00:06:25:10 00:06:26:21 A hundred? Wow.
00:06:26:23 00:06:30:17 Well, it's just, you know, I get a lot of requests
to do things for charity, you know,
00:06:30:19 00:06:31:24 -for auctions and so on.
-Yes.
00:06:32:01 00:06:34:19 -Be nice to have something to give them.
-I quite understand.
00:06:34:21 00:06:37:09 So, Sir Alan, enjoying retirement?
00:06:37:11 00:06:38:21 Oh, enormously, enormously.
00:06:38:23 00:06:40:01 Good night.
00:06:40:13 00:06:44:01 My only criticism of David Icke
is that he doesn't go far enough.
00:06:45:13 00:06:47:06 Well, I...
00:06:47:09 00:06:49:20 I had a sort of agreement with my father.
00:06:50:22 00:06:55:01 He promised me that
if I didn't smoke before I was 21 ,
00:06:55:11 00:06:57:21 he'd make me Governor General of Canada.
00:06:59:17 00:07:03:19 Oh, believe me, God is big enough
and strong enough to take a bit of blasphemy,
00:07:03:21 00:07:05:03 a bit of swearing.
00:07:05:05 00:07:08:05 What he really can't stand is the Daily Mail.
00:07:09:07 00:07:10:07 Now, there's...
00:07:10:09 00:07:11:09 (DOG GROWLING)
00:07:11:12 00:07:14:02 There's a lot of crap talked about pit bull terriers.
00:07:14:04 00:07:16:16 But, you know, they're great dogs,
absolutely great dogs.
00:07:16:18 00:07:18:01 You know...
00:07:18:03 00:07:20:24 I mean, Tyson here, he's absolutely,
00:07:21:01 00:07:23:04 he's a great dog and he wouldn't hurt anyone...
00:07:23:06 00:07:24:14 (DOG GROWLING LOUDER)
00:07:35:21 00:07:39:19 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Jacobson, get your ass in here, right now.
00:07:39:21 00:07:41:14 Ten-hut!
00:07:44:02 00:07:45:04 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Sir.
00:07:45:19 00:07:49:02 Jacobson, what the hell am I gonna do
with your ass?
00:07:50:01 00:07:51:17 With my ass, sir?
00:07:51:22 00:07:54:23 Can you think of one goddamn reason
00:07:55:00 00:07:58:05 why I shouldn't kick your ass
all the way from here to New Mexico?
00:07:58:07 00:08:01:18 -Well, sir, if this concerns...
-You know what the hell it concerns, Jacobson.
00:08:01:20 00:08:04:03 It concerns your ass.
00:08:04:14 00:08:07:01 -What does it concern?
-My ass, sir.
00:08:07:24 00:08:12:01 Do you recall what it was I said to you
the last time you were in this here office?
00:08:12:03 00:08:14:13 Well, sir, you told me to move my ass,
00:08:14:15 00:08:17:21 and to haul my ass, and not to sit on my ass,
00:08:17:23 00:08:21:10 because if I did,
you would personally rearrange my ass.
00:08:21:12 00:08:22:21 Wrong, Jacobson.
00:08:22:23 00:08:25:04 I was not gonna rearrange your ass,
00:08:25:06 00:08:28:15 I was gonna boil your ass in a bag
and have that ass for breakfast.
00:08:28:17 00:08:30:01 Have the ass for breakfast.
00:08:31:09 00:08:33:15 Read the sign on my desk, boy.
00:08:33:23 00:08:35:24 ''The buck stops at my ass.''
00:08:38:07 00:08:42:09 See, that's why I got this here star on my shoulder
and you don't.
00:08:42:14 00:08:44:19 'Cause my ass is on the line.
00:08:45:15 00:08:47:12 -The bottom-line?
-The bottom-line.
00:08:47:14 00:08:49:00 I understand, sir.
00:08:49:02 00:08:52:19 Well, I'm glad you got your ass
straight on that, Jacobson.
00:08:52:21 00:08:53:25 Now,
00:08:54:11 00:08:56:13 I got me a problem.
00:08:59:02 00:09:00:14 A problem, sir?
00:09:00:19 00:09:05:17 Seems like some goddamn college boy
on the fifth floor wants a piece of my ass.
00:09:06:11 00:09:09:07 -Your ass, sir?
-You bet your ass, my ass.
00:09:10:10 00:09:12:04 -Sir...
-Mmm-hmm?
00:09:12:10 00:09:14:04 How does my ass fit into all of this?
00:09:16:10 00:09:18:02 It's very simple, Jacobson.
00:09:18:04 00:09:20:16 You are aware that you ass is mine?
00:09:22:07 00:09:24:14 -It is, sir?
-Oh, yes, sir.
00:09:24:16 00:09:26:08 Your ass is mine, mister.
00:09:26:10 00:09:30:05 The day you joined this man's army,
you signed your ass over to me.
00:09:30:07 00:09:32:11 -Oh, I get it, sir.
-Oh, you do?
00:09:32:13 00:09:34:00 This guy wants a piece of your ass,
00:09:34:02 00:09:35:22 so you're thinking that, being as my ass is yours,
00:09:35:24 00:09:39:14 maybe you could give him a piece of my ass
as a way of saving your ass.
00:09:39:16 00:09:41:02 -Jacobson.
-Sir?
00:09:41:04 00:09:42:16 Shut your ass.
00:09:43:09 00:09:45:12 Nobody likes a smart aleck.
00:09:48:05 00:09:51:02 Now, you got your ass with you?
00:09:51:04 00:09:52:19 Right here, sir.
00:09:55:15 00:09:59:02 Sir, with respect, don't jerk my ass around.
00:10:02:12 00:10:03:12 Hmm.
00:10:04:06 00:10:05:16 Nice ass.
00:10:08:07 00:10:10:08 (NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT)
Well, with me to discuss that scene
00:10:10:10 00:10:13:20 from Scorsese's new release,
From Here to Just Over There,
00:10:13:22 00:10:17:16 is the critic, critic and critic, Ray Daugh.
00:10:18:02 00:10:21:21 Now, Ray, you've written countless,
almost worthless books
00:10:21:23 00:10:24:08 on the iconography of the bottom
in American films.
00:10:24:10 00:10:26:20 In what context could we approach this piece?
00:10:26:22 00:10:28:07 Not really, no.
00:10:28:09 00:10:31:10 I think that we already knew
that the ass had come to mean...
00:10:31:12 00:10:33:03 By ass you mean bottom?
00:10:33:05 00:10:35:18 That's right, you'll have to forgive me
for lapsing into jargon, there.
00:10:35:20 00:10:39:20 By jargon you mean a series of
specialist phrases, an argot if you will,
00:10:39:22 00:10:42:07 to describe the particular area of criticism?
00:10:42:09 00:10:43:11 Hmm, um...
00:10:44:00 00:10:45:10 In my last book, what I...
00:10:45:12 00:10:47:12 A book being, well, what?
00:10:47:14 00:10:51:03 A work of thought or prose
bound together between hard or soft covers
00:10:51:05 00:10:53:12 and distributed by means of a bookshop.
00:10:53:14 00:10:54:14 Broadly.
00:10:54:16 00:10:59:06 In my last book, which was called Backside Story.;
The History of the American Bottom,
00:10:59:24 00:11:01:18 I devoted an entire chapter to what I...
00:11:01:20 00:11:03:03 Chapter...
00:11:03:09 00:11:06:19 A subdivision in the book,
of which there may be 1 0, 1 2, 1 5 or so,
00:11:06:21 00:11:08:07 creating blocks of writing?
00:11:08:09 00:11:09:13 Partly, yes.
00:11:09:17 00:11:13:15 I devoted an entire chapter to the phrase,
''My ass is on the line.''
00:11:13:17 00:11:16:14 -The line being...
-Oh, I think we all know what a line is.
00:11:16:16 00:11:20:06 Yes, a line in this sense being the vestigial notion
of the frontier.
00:11:20:08 00:11:22:22 To put his bottom on the frontier, or hers,
00:11:22:24 00:11:25:03 is still very much the goal
of the modern American.
00:11:25:05 00:11:28:24 Hmm, and by this you mean
an absolutely infuriating gesture
00:11:29:01 00:11:31:18 guaranteed to put people's backs up
in quite a major way.
00:11:31:20 00:11:33:00 -I hope so.
-Hmm.
00:11:33:02 00:11:34:11 Well, sadly the clock has...
00:11:34:13 00:11:37:15 The clock? The large, round timepiece,
00:11:37:17 00:11:41:08 a device that is used for keeping check
on the register of hours as they pass.
00:11:42:10 00:11:43:22 ...has beaten us once again...
00:11:43:24 00:11:48:18 It's flagellated us, it's whipped us, it's lashed us
for a further time.
00:11:48:20 00:11:49:20 So, thank you...
00:11:49:22 00:11:53:13 I'm grateful, I'm beholden to you,
ta, cheers, mate.
00:11:53:23 00:11:55:14 -Ray...
-Shaft or beam of light,
00:11:55:16 00:11:58:10 or it's a flat fish, in the sense of a manta ray
or a stingray.
00:11:58:12 00:12:01:10 -Very much...
-A huge amount, a great deal, vast quantity.
00:12:01:12 00:12:04:13 -Pat.
-Small slab of butter, or knob.
00:12:06:01 00:12:10:22 The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon as the defendants...
00:12:10:24 00:12:12:17 -Oh, sorry, sorry.
-FRY: What?
00:12:12:19 00:12:15:07 -Better just let these people through.
-What people?
00:12:15:09 00:12:18:04 Oh, they've gone the other way.
Sorry, I thought they were coming this way.
00:12:18:06 00:12:20:08 -FRY: Ready whenever you are.
-Right.
00:12:20:10 00:12:25:03 The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon as the...
00:12:25:09 00:12:27:05 Oh, damn, sorry.
00:12:27:11 00:12:28:17 -FRY: What?
-Sorry.
00:12:28:19 00:12:30:15 Sorry, I said Plymouth.
00:12:30:17 00:12:32:04 FRY: No, you didn't.
00:12:33:05 00:12:35:00 You said Bristol.
00:12:35:13 00:12:39:14 (STAMMERING) Okay, right, let's just go ahead
and do this, all right? Okay.
00:12:39:21 00:12:41:20 -FRY: Jesus Christ!
-Right, okay.
00:12:43:00 00:12:46:23 The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon...
00:12:47:00 00:12:48:20 Sorry, would you mind, just...
00:12:48:22 00:12:50:21 Sorry, there's some kid staring at me.
00:12:50:23 00:12:53:05 Thanks very much, that's great.
00:12:54:00 00:12:56:05 Right, okay, right, this is it, here we go.
00:12:56:07 00:12:57:20 (FRY YELLING IN FRUSTRATION)
00:12:57:22 00:13:01:15 The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon...
00:13:01:17 00:13:03:14 Oh, I don't believe it.
00:13:03:18 00:13:05:17 FRY: (YELLING) What is it now?
00:13:05:19 00:13:07:03 Aeroplane.
00:13:07:10 00:13:08:13 What?
00:13:08:19 00:13:09:23 -Can't you hear it?
-No!
00:13:10:00 00:13:11:13 Well, isn't it...
00:13:12:18 00:13:14:13 The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown...
00:13:14:15 00:13:16:00 Actually, you know, I've just had a thought.
00:13:16:02 00:13:18:09 Wouldn't it be better if we filmed it
around the corner?
00:13:18:11 00:13:19:16 Then, when they come out...
00:13:19:18 00:13:21:17 Do this now or I will kill you.
00:13:21:19 00:13:25:03 -What?
-I will kill you unless you do this now!
00:13:25:05 00:13:28:25 Now, come on, no, no, no, all right, okay, okay,
I'll do it, I'll do it.
00:13:29:02 00:13:32:18 The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this...
00:13:32:20 00:13:34:07 -Oh, my God!
-What?
00:13:34:09 00:13:36:04 -Look, there they are, coming out of that door.
-Where?
00:13:36:06 00:13:37:25 There, there, there!
00:13:45:00 00:13:47:12 God save our gracious Queen,
00:13:47:14 00:13:49:16 long live our noble Queen,
00:13:50:05 00:13:51:24 God save the Queen.
00:13:52:02 00:13:55:06 Send her victorious, happy and glorious.
00:13:55:10 00:13:59:07 Long to reign over us, God save the Queen.
00:13:59:18 00:14:03:20 Now, some of the younger people watching me
here on this programme tonight
00:14:03:22 00:14:06:12 might think that that there is
something amusing or ridiculous
00:14:06:14 00:14:08:20 in the words of that grand old hymn,
00:14:08:22 00:14:11:19 our own great British national anthem.
00:14:12:01 00:14:16:21 I happen to find such people sick,
disgusting, degraded,
00:14:16:23 00:14:21:03 and enormously limp-making in a sexual sense.
00:14:22:12 00:14:25:03 There is nothing arousing at all
00:14:25:05 00:14:28:10 about people who can mock and sneer
at simple love of country,
00:14:28:12 00:14:30:23 nothing to make the loins twitch and quiver
00:14:31:00 00:14:34:24 about the kind of hooligan
who can despoil our flag.
00:14:35:05 00:14:39:09 The sort of cynical, atheistical, unpatriotic yoboiks,
00:14:39:11 00:14:41:05 who hold nothing sacred,
00:14:41:07 00:14:45:02 have no power at all
to bring me to a proud twitching stand.
00:14:46:01 00:14:48:20 You're gonna have to do something
a little bit more
00:14:48:22 00:14:51:20 than repeat a few cheap jibes
about the land I love,
00:14:51:22 00:14:55:20 if you want me to thicken and engorge
with mounting excitement.
00:14:58:06 00:15:02:06 In the old days,
as soon as the national anthem was heard
00:15:02:08 00:15:05:11 the whole nation would rise stiffly to attention.
00:15:06:21 00:15:08:20 Am I the only one left?
00:15:09:12 00:15:10:18 Good night.
00:15:12:12 00:15:15:06 Yes, I've never actually owned a piano.
00:15:15:07 00:15:19:07 But, I used to have a photograph of one
on my bedroom wall.
00:15:20:07 00:15:23:03 But then the neighbours complained,
so it had to go.
00:15:25:21 00:15:29:23 Apparently, there's a Frenchman from Provence
who's written a bestseller in France
00:15:30:00 00:15:33:24 called Une Année en Essex, A Year in Essex.
00:15:34:01 00:15:37:17 I'm just terrified it's going to spoil Essex,
that's all.
00:15:38:07 00:15:41:12 All right then, ask me what my favourite food is.
00:15:41:15 00:15:43:08 Lancashire hot pot.
00:15:43:10 00:15:44:10 Why?
00:15:44:13 00:15:47:09 Lancashire hot pot, you, in the name of the law.
00:15:49:16 00:15:51:14 Irish stew, damn.
00:15:52:02 00:15:53:23 Irish stew.
00:15:55:18 00:15:57:11 Right, so...
00:15:58:08 00:16:00:15 Peter, would you like to start?
00:16:01:10 00:16:04:09 My name is Peter Bales and I'm an alcoholic.
00:16:04:11 00:16:08:23 I last had a drink two years,
seven weeks and three days ago.
00:16:10:02 00:16:12:19 Well done, Peter. Well done, well done.
00:16:14:17 00:16:16:19 My name is William Gerard.
00:16:17:03 00:16:18:19 I'm an alcoholic.
00:16:18:22 00:16:22:03 I haven't drunk for five months and six days.
00:16:23:15 00:16:25:09 Well done, Bill, well done.
00:16:27:08 00:16:30:09 My name is Andrea McLain and I'm an alcoholic.
00:16:30:20 00:16:33:16 And I last had a drink two days ago.
00:16:33:18 00:16:35:01 I'm sorry, I...
00:16:35:03 00:16:38:09 That's all right, Andrea,
we can talk about that later, that's no problem.
00:16:38:11 00:16:40:02 ANDREA: Thanks, thanks.
00:16:40:17 00:16:43:12 Now, would our new member like to speak?
00:16:43:24 00:16:45:01 Erm...
00:16:46:15 00:16:48:07 Well, I know it can be hard,
00:16:48:09 00:16:52:23 but everyone here at AA will tell you
that the first thing to do is to face your problem,
00:16:53:00 00:16:54:08 to give it a name.
00:16:54:10 00:16:55:15 Right, I see that, yes.
00:16:55:17 00:16:58:20 Right, if you can't stand up and say it,
we can't help you.
00:16:58:22 00:16:59:22 I know.
00:17:00:07 00:17:05:21 I'm sure that everyone here can confirm
that AA is about confidence and sharing, okay?
00:17:05:23 00:17:07:16 -Yes.
-WOMAN: Yeah, very much so.
00:17:07:18 00:17:08:23 Right.
00:17:10:19 00:17:12:14 My name's Trevor Wareham,
00:17:12:16 00:17:17:07 and basically my problem is
that the starter motor gets stuck
00:17:17:09 00:17:19:17 especially in cold weather.
00:17:27:21 00:17:31:03 Have you tried putting it in first gear
and rocking it backwards and forwards?
00:17:31:05 00:17:34:10 -Yes, I've tried that, I've tried.
-LAURIE: You've tried that, right.
00:17:34:12 00:17:36:18 Well, we'll send someone around
as soon as possible.
00:17:36:20 00:17:38:03 Thank you.
00:17:40:23 00:17:43:20 -Have a drink while you're waiting.
-Oh, thank you.
00:17:47:02 00:17:49:19 Darling, could you pass the marmalade?
00:17:50:10 00:17:51:13 What?
00:17:52:04 00:17:54:15 The marmalade, could you pass it?
00:17:54:24 00:17:58:01 You want me to arse the parlour maid?
00:17:58:12 00:17:59:22 No, dear...
00:18:00:00 00:18:03:23 There's a pot of marmalade at your elbow.
Could you pass it?
00:18:04:00 00:18:06:18 A potty marinade in my dildo?
00:18:07:17 00:18:09:17 Have you run mad, woman?
00:18:10:00 00:18:13:08 Darling, I want you to pass the marmalade.
00:18:14:10 00:18:17:07 You want me to fart the hit parade?
00:18:19:01 00:18:21:15 Pass the marmalade!
00:18:22:18 00:18:25:02 Smile at Roy Hattersley?
00:18:25:15 00:18:28:08 You want me to smile at Roy Hattersley?
00:18:29:02 00:18:31:20 Doesn't sound anything like
''pass the marmalade.''
00:18:31:22 00:18:35:00 Roy Hattersley hasn't found anyone
to pass the marmalade?
00:18:35:02 00:18:36:08 You're babbling, woman.
00:18:36:10 00:18:38:24 No dear, I want you to pass the marmalade.
00:18:39:01 00:18:42:08 Roy Hattersley wants me to pass the marmalade?
00:18:42:10 00:18:43:25 No, I do, darling!
00:18:44:02 00:18:45:13 Eiderdown?
00:18:46:06 00:18:49:00 Roy Hattersley wants me to pass him
an eiderdown?
00:18:49:02 00:18:50:23 If you'll just listen.
00:18:51:01 00:18:55:02 Expecting people to pass him eiderdowns
as if he were someone special.
00:18:55:05 00:18:57:20 No one's ever passed me an eiderdown.
00:18:57:22 00:19:00:19 I want you to pass the marmalade!
00:19:00:21 00:19:03:19 No, I will not go to bed with Les Dennis.
00:19:04:20 00:19:07:20 Not at any price! You must be off your chop.
00:19:25:22 00:19:30:22 ''The Substantial Tide's Indebt
smell by more quoits''?
00:19:32:02 00:19:36:19 No dear, ''The Financial Times Index
fell by four points.''
00:19:37:00 00:19:39:06 Oh. Pass the marmalade, will you?
00:19:43:07 00:19:46:04 You want mad? I'll show you mad, hang on.
00:19:47:02 00:19:48:07 There.
00:19:48:11 00:19:50:24 Jason, the Blue Peter's first cat.
00:19:51:06 00:19:53:05 Mad as a nail he was.
00:19:53:07 00:19:56:11 BBC kept it hushed up for years
but it was an open secret.
00:19:56:13 00:19:58:03 Thought he was a Siamese.
00:19:58:05 00:20:00:13 Sad, really, but bonkers.
00:20:19:05 00:20:20:21 # Too long, Johnny
00:20:21:10 00:20:23:22 # Too long, it's way too long
00:20:27:19 00:20:29:04 # Too long, Johnny
00:20:29:18 00:20:32:12 # Too long, it's way too long
00:20:36:07 00:20:37:24 # Make it shorter, Johnny
00:20:38:13 00:20:41:06 # It's been too long for way too long
00:20:44:23 00:20:47:04 # That's a perfect length now, Johnny
00:20:47:06 00:20:49:20 # It just may be a bit too wide
00:20:53:14 00:20:55:17 # Don't make it any shorter, Johnny
00:20:55:21 00:20:58:12 # It just may be a bit too wide
00:21:02:04 00:21:04:04 # Take a little off the width, Johnny
00:21:04:06 00:21:07:00 # And we got ourselves a perfect size
00:21:11:05 00:21:13:07 # Oh, now that's too much, Johnny
00:21:13:14 00:21:15:24 # Gone and made it all too thin
00:21:19:22 00:21:21:21 # The length is perfect, Johnny
00:21:22:02 00:21:24:24 # You just went and made it all too thin
00:21:28:14 00:21:30:24 # Looks like I'll have to throw it away, Johnny
00:21:31:01 00:21:33:10 # Start all over again #
00:21:37:08 00:21:38:19 (HUMMING)
00:22:01:09 00:22:02:12 Hello.
00:22:02:19 00:22:04:21 I'm Gelliant Gutfright,
00:22:04:23 00:22:07:22 your host on The Seventh Dimension.
00:22:08:12 00:22:13:09 Tonight's story is called
''The Red Hat of Patferrick''.
00:22:14:03 00:22:15:19 But I must add a warning.
00:22:16:03 00:22:21:12 The BBC do not advice that you watch
the unfolding of this dark tale
00:22:21:21 00:22:25:18 if you are, in any way, of an erotic disposition.
00:22:27:22 00:22:29:07 Office life.
00:22:30:01 00:22:34:03 It seems so ordinary, doesn't it? So mundane.
00:22:34:14 00:22:38:11 What is the worst that could happen
in an ordinary publisher's office?
00:22:38:13 00:22:42:09 Suzy loses the Tipp-Ex,
Lucy forgets to fax that contract to Stuttgart,
00:22:42:11 00:22:45:15 the wrong package is DHLed to San Francisco.
00:22:45:17 00:22:46:20 Nothing sinister...
00:22:48:01 00:22:51:10 in an ordinary publisher's office, is there?
00:22:52:22 00:22:54:05 Is there?
00:22:55:15 00:22:57:01 Or is there?
00:22:59:16 00:23:02:17 Jonathan Hadey. A nice guy.
00:23:02:22 00:23:04:24 One of the world's good scouts.
00:23:05:01 00:23:07:16 Governor of his local primary school, Rotarian,
00:23:07:18 00:23:11:19 Chief High Coven Priest of
the Amersham and District's Satanic Abuse Club.
00:23:11:21 00:23:14:20 An ordinary, decent British citizen.
00:23:15:02 00:23:20:18 Every day is much like the day before
for publisher, Jonathan Hadey.
00:23:21:16 00:23:22:17 Except for today.
00:23:24:11 00:23:28:02 Except for April, the 29th of August.
00:23:28:10 00:23:29:16 Oh, yes.
00:23:30:14 00:23:32:06 Except for today.
00:23:32:12 00:23:33:17 (PHONE RINGING)
00:23:33:19 00:23:37:02 GUTFRIGHT: Louise is out of the office,
flirting with Ted from marketing
00:23:37:04 00:23:39:18 while she makes
Jonathan's mid-morning cup of coffee.
00:23:39:20 00:23:42:10 He might as well answer the telephone himself,
00:23:43:07 00:23:44:10 for once.
00:23:45:19 00:23:49:20 -Hello?
-MAN: I want to speak to Jonathan Hadey.
00:23:49:22 00:23:51:00 Hadey, here.
00:23:51:02 00:23:55:01 You have the Red Hat of Patferrick.
00:23:55:16 00:23:59:05 -The what?
-Don't play games, Mr Hadey.
00:23:59:13 00:24:04:05 You have just seven hours
to return it to its rightful owners.
00:24:04:22 00:24:06:16 Shall I put you through to marketing?
00:24:06:18 00:24:08:11 (DIAL TONE BUZZING)
00:24:12:22 00:24:17:06 Sorry I took my time, Mr Hadey,
but Ted from marketing was licking my breasts.
00:24:17:12 00:24:20:20 -Who was that?
-Oh, a wrong number probably.
00:24:21:05 00:24:24:20 Except they asked for me. Something about a hat.
00:24:25:07 00:24:28:21 -A hat?
-Yes, the hat from Portmerrick or something.
00:24:28:23 00:24:30:23 Not Patferrick?
00:24:31:00 00:24:32:25 Yes! That's it. The hat of Patferrick.
00:24:33:02 00:24:37:04 -Did they say what colour?
-The red hat, I think they said.
00:24:37:06 00:24:41:11 Oh, no! Not red! Please God, not red.
No, no, no, no!
00:24:44:08 00:24:46:04 (LOUISE SCREAMING)
00:24:46:07 00:24:48:00 Oh, my God, Louise!
00:24:50:06 00:24:51:21 (PHONE RINGING)
00:24:53:16 00:24:54:17 Hadey speaking.
00:24:54:19 00:24:55:19 (MUMBLING ON PHONE)
00:24:55:21 00:24:56:21 Police?
00:24:56:23 00:24:57:25 (MUMBLING ON PHONE)
00:24:58:02 00:25:00:03 Yes, Caroline Hadey is my wife.
00:25:00:05 00:25:01:07 (MUMBLING ON PHONE)
00:25:01:16 00:25:03:02 What kind of accident?
00:25:03:04 00:25:04:06 (MUMBLING ON PHONE)
00:25:04:23 00:25:07:07 Oh, my God! Squashed?
00:25:07:20 00:25:09:11 In the name of heaven, what by?
00:25:09:13 00:25:10:21 (MUMBLING ON PHONE)
00:25:11:03 00:25:13:14 A hat? What kind of hat?
00:25:13:16 00:25:15:01 (MUMBLING ON PHONE)
00:25:15:12 00:25:19:07 A sort of marooney, sort of burgundy-ish crimson.
00:25:19:09 00:25:22:09 Damn it, man, you mean red. If it's red, say so.
A red hat...
00:25:22:11 00:25:24:05 (MUMBLING ON PHONE)
00:25:24:13 00:25:26:06 From the dust on the brim,
00:25:26:08 00:25:29:10 it could only come from one place, you say?
00:25:30:05 00:25:32:23 Thank you, Inspector, but I think I know already.
00:25:33:00 00:25:34:16 FRY: It's Sergeant, actually.
00:25:34:19 00:25:36:04 Patferrick.
00:25:36:11 00:25:39:07 The Red Hat of Patferrick.
00:25:45:03 00:25:47:15 Wake up, Mr Hadey. It's your coffee.
00:25:47:17 00:25:51:24 What! The hat... The pat...
The redferrick of hat pat...
00:25:53:13 00:25:56:21 Dreaming again, Mr Hadey? I don't know.
00:25:57:17 00:25:59:13 Ha! But it was all so, so real.
00:26:00:05 00:26:03:06 Oh, what's the matter with me?
I think I need a holiday.
00:26:03:08 00:26:05:22 Oh! There's a man on his way up to see you.
00:26:05:24 00:26:09:13 Said he's bringing
the red hat of somewhere or other.
00:26:09:20 00:26:13:05 No! It can't be! It's happening just as...
00:26:13:17 00:26:18:04 -The red hat of where? Speak, girl.
-Well, Pat-somewhere or other, I think he said.
00:26:18:06 00:26:19:24 No, no, no, no!
00:26:20:01 00:26:23:07 The Red Hat of Patferrick! Here in Amersham.
00:26:23:09 00:26:24:12 No!
00:26:25:05 00:26:27:02 (LOUISE SCREAMING)
00:26:27:14 00:26:29:15 Something wrong, my dear?
00:26:29:17 00:26:31:08 Mr Hadey, he just...
00:26:31:18 00:26:34:05 Twenty-three floors up and he just...
00:26:34:16 00:26:35:17 Oh!
00:26:35:19 00:26:36:21 God!
00:26:37:01 00:26:43:08 Well, in that case, I had better take
the Red Hat of Patferrick elsewhere, hadn't I?
00:26:43:10 00:26:48:03 The red hat?
That's why Mr Hadey jumped. What is it?
00:26:48:05 00:26:51:09 Oh, just the manuscript of a story, my dear.
00:26:51:13 00:26:53:23 A wholly improbable tale.
00:26:54:04 00:26:58:13 It concerns a young publisher
who has a dream about a hat,
00:26:58:19 00:27:00:07 and when he awakes...
00:27:00:17 00:27:03:13 But it is nothing but fancy.
00:27:03:19 00:27:06:13 Could never really happen, could it?
00:27:06:18 00:27:08:00 Could it?
00:27:08:19 00:27:09:22 Or could it?
00:27:10:13 00:27:12:08 Perhaps, it could.
00:27:13:02 00:27:14:07 Or could it?
00:27:14:22 00:27:16:06 Good night.
00:27:17:11 00:27:19:11 Well, that's about it for this week.
00:27:19:14 00:27:22:20 That's right. Hard to believe
that 30 minutes has just flown by...
00:27:22:22 00:27:25:00 Oh, do shut your neck.
00:27:27:00 00:27:32:04 So, unless we graze shoulders
in the saloon lounge of real life,
00:27:32:06 00:27:35:04 -it's a good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:27:35:06 00:27:38:18 -And it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:27:38:20 00:27:42:03 We're going to leave you
with tonight's cocktail recipe.
00:27:42:05 00:27:45:10 It's called ''A mug of Horlicks.''
00:27:45:12 00:27:48:08 For this, you'll need Horlicks, a camping stove,
00:27:48:10 00:27:51:10 some milk, a teaspoon and a mug.
00:27:51:20 00:27:53:14 Ha! Will I do?
00:27:53:16 00:27:56:18 No, Hugh, I meant mug
in the sense of drinking vessel.
00:27:56:22 00:28:00:12 We'll also need an idiot
to hit on the head with your teaspoon.
00:28:00:18 00:28:03:16 -Ha! Will I do?
-Admirably.
00:28:03:24 00:28:06:14 Please, Mr Music, will you play.
00:28:08:09 00:28:10:11 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:28:29:24 00:28:31:18 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:28:57:13 00:28:59:24 -Soupy twist.
-Soupy twist.