00:00:01:20 00:00:05:08 Hello, I'm now going to just
flip through some magazines.
00:00:05:10 00:00:06:18 Er, this is Prima.
00:00:09:09 00:00:12:20 Er, what have we got here?
We've got, well, obviously, Time magazine.
00:00:13:05 00:00:15:16 Er, this is Woman's Own.
00:00:16:22 00:00:19:21 And here we have Essentials, for bright ideas.
00:00:21:08 00:00:23:07 Er, yes, I'm now going to go and see
00:00:23:09 00:00:26:19 the person who first had the idea
of putting leaflets in magazines.
00:00:26:21 00:00:27:22 Bye!
00:01:03:15 00:01:09:02 (BELL CHIMING THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES
BY WAGNER)
00:01:11:14 00:01:14:01 My dear boy!
00:01:15:23 00:01:19:15 Come in, come in, come in, come in.
00:01:23:04 00:01:24:05 (DOOR CLOSING)
00:01:24:08 00:01:28:24 Don't mind Clothilda, she gets a little excited
when she sees strange men.
00:01:30:13 00:01:33:01 This is Number 4 3 Cheyne Square, is it?
00:01:33:03 00:01:36:21 Come through to my oubliette, my dear,
and faîtes comme chez vous.
00:01:39:23 00:01:43:18 I shall mix you a little something devilish
of my own devising.
00:01:43:23 00:01:47:05 A suspicion of Parfait Amour, a hint of orgeat,
00:01:47:07 00:01:51:18 a couple of cocktail cherries,
some thick cream and of course a sprig of hyssop.
00:01:51:23 00:01:54:17 I call it my Moroccan Sunrise.
00:01:55:01 00:01:59:17 And believe me, it has caused
many a son of Morocco to rise in its time.
00:01:59:19 00:02:03:07 Oh! I should stop myself. I should really.
00:02:03:09 00:02:06:18 Clothilda here will tell you
that I do go on so sometimes.
00:02:06:20 00:02:07:21 Won't you, Clotty dear?
00:02:07:23 00:02:10:14 I don't believe I caught your name?
00:02:10:19 00:02:14:07 -Nigel Carter.
-Nigel Carter.
00:02:14:14 00:02:17:08 Nigel Carter.
00:02:17:11 00:02:20:19 There's a breath of something fine and ripe
in that name,
00:02:20:21 00:02:24:17 something impossibly noble
and yet thrillingly rotten.
00:02:26:10 00:02:28:17 Sit, Master Nigel Carter.
00:02:28:19 00:02:31:04 Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
00:02:31:20 00:02:33:14 It's called a lover's seat.
00:02:33:18 00:02:38:13 And I picked it up in San Gimignano in 1 96 3.
That and so much else besides.
00:02:39:10 00:02:42:24 You may keep your clothes on for the moment
00:02:43:05 00:02:46:08 while I weave my magic with my cocktail shaker.
00:02:46:14 00:02:50:07 Clothilda shall amuse you with stories
of the gorgeous East.
00:02:50:15 00:02:54:24 Er, yes, it's, um... It's about the advertisement
in this month's Model Aeroplanes.
00:02:55:16 00:02:59:05 Such a stimulating read. I never miss a copy.
00:02:59:14 00:03:01:04 Yes. Erm...
00:03:01:11 00:03:04:04 ''Models wanted. Highest prices paid.
00:03:04:06 00:03:07:21 ''Apply Simbold Cleobury, 4 3 Cheyne Square.''
That is you, is it?
00:03:07:23 00:03:09:04 It is I.
00:03:09:06 00:03:13:08 My parents christened me Donald,
a name entirely without hope.
00:03:14:08 00:03:17:06 Do you know,
I think I'm going to give you two cocktail cherries.
00:03:17:08 00:03:19:21 One for each of your blue, blue eyes.
00:03:20:23 00:03:25:12 I usually pay £30 for my models.
Does that seem fair, my dear?
00:03:25:15 00:03:28:03 Oh, yes, yes, more than reasonable. Yes. Erm...
00:03:28:08 00:03:32:15 I've got a Sopwith Camel, full RFC markings,
scale 1 20th...
00:03:32:17 00:03:34:00 I brought a photograph.
00:03:34:04 00:03:35:12 A camel?
00:03:36:07 00:03:40:13 Yes. It's quite old but in very good condition.
00:03:40:19 00:03:43:05 And where do you keep this camel, Nigel Carter?
00:03:43:16 00:03:45:09 Well, in my room at home in Greenford.
00:03:46:13 00:03:51:16 And they dare to say, Nigel Carter,
that the age of romance is dead.
00:03:52:18 00:03:55:09 I think you'll find it's the hyssop
that makes all the difference.
00:03:55:11 00:03:57:22 I adore hyssop, don't you?
00:03:58:24 00:04:00:02 Very tasty.
00:04:00:04 00:04:04:15 So, what is the name of this camel
who lives with you in your room in Greenford?
00:04:05:00 00:04:08:06 -Well, Sopwith.
-Sopwith. Too heavenly!
00:04:08:08 00:04:12:01 Perhaps I shall paint you astride this Sopwith.
It's not impossible.
00:04:12:03 00:04:15:06 But first I shall have you
sprawled on the tiger skin,
00:04:15:08 00:04:18:11 firelight dancing on your naked, shivering thighs.
00:04:19:24 00:04:21:20 Have you modelled before?
00:04:21:22 00:04:24:15 Oh, yes, yes, all my life. Well, since I was four.
00:04:24:17 00:04:28:22 -Mercy, Nigel. Mercy! Since you were four!
-Yes.
00:04:28:24 00:04:32:01 -My grandfather started me off.
-So often the way.
00:04:35:06 00:04:37:12 We both ended up covered in glue.
00:04:37:14 00:04:40:07 Nigel, you amaze me.
00:04:40:21 00:04:43:09 -It was a Fokker.
-It sounds it, Nigel.
00:04:44:06 00:04:45:20 In glue, you say?
00:04:45:22 00:04:48:19 Well, you need fear
no such extravagances from me.
00:04:48:21 00:04:52:24 Perhaps a light brushing in oil
to bring out your flesh tones but nothing more.
00:04:53:12 00:04:55:05 Er, would you like to see my jumbo?
00:04:57:18 00:05:02:01 Nigel, I should like to see your jumbo
very much indeed.
00:05:02:08 00:05:03:21 There you are.
00:05:04:14 00:05:08:24 Nigel, this is a photograph
of a large jet aeroplane.
00:05:10:10 00:05:14:04 Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how that got in there.
Er, there it is, there.
00:05:14:06 00:05:17:18 My, that is a jumbo, isn't it?
00:05:18:00 00:05:20:17 Now, clothes off and on to the tiger skin with you.
00:05:20:19 00:05:21:21 Righto.
00:05:23:23 00:05:28:06 Well, bring back hanging, I say.
These tumble dryers are useless.
00:05:30:02 00:05:33:01 I was popping, absolutely popping to go,
00:05:33:03 00:05:36:11 so I said, ''Do you mind if I use your toilet, love?''
00:05:36:13 00:05:40:02 And she would have let me, too.
Only that Prince Philip told me to naff off.
00:05:43:05 00:05:45:15 Smell. Smell.
00:05:45:24 00:05:48:15 Smell. Smell!
00:05:51:08 00:05:52:18 Was that the sort of thing you meant?
00:05:54:02 00:05:55:07 Computers?
00:05:55:21 00:05:57:01 Bollocks, more like.
00:06:00:20 00:06:03:04 -Hello.
-Good morning, sir. Can I do you for anything?
00:06:03:06 00:06:04:17 Yes, I rather hope you can.
00:06:04:19 00:06:07:01 Yeah. Tricks, novelties, jokes, games?
00:06:07:17 00:06:09:22 -Tricks, I think.
-What about the tie snipper?
00:06:09:24 00:06:11:02 -Tie snipper?
-Watch this.
00:06:15:24 00:06:18:02 -Yes?
-It's a beauty that one, isn't it, sir?
00:06:19:01 00:06:22:06 -You cut off the end of my tie.
-Yeah. Very popular, that one.
00:06:22:08 00:06:23:22 -Is it?
-Hugely popular.
00:06:24:01 00:06:25:01 Hmm.
00:06:25:18 00:06:27:08 Not really a trick though, is it?
00:06:28:03 00:06:31:09 Yeah, you're right. It's more of a gag.
You want a trick? I'll show you a trick.
00:06:31:16 00:06:34:01 Now then, put your finger in there.
00:06:34:09 00:06:35:15 -You sure about this?
-Oh, yeah.
00:06:35:17 00:06:37:00 It's a beauty, this one. You'll love this one.
00:06:37:02 00:06:38:05 -Put your finger in there.
-Right.
00:06:38:07 00:06:40:04 Right. I'll drop the blade like so...
00:06:41:23 00:06:43:07 My finger is chopped off.
00:06:43:09 00:06:44:24 Right. So that proves it works.
00:06:45:01 00:06:47:06 Now then, I'll take this cigar,
00:06:48:02 00:06:50:08 place that in there like so.
00:06:50:10 00:06:54:14 I drop the blade and, hey sesame,
the cigar is intact.
00:06:54:16 00:06:56:01 Now, explain that.
00:06:58:11 00:07:01:02 Hmm. Have you got anything else?
00:07:02:13 00:07:04:00 Have a look at that.
00:07:04:09 00:07:06:19 A plastic dog turd, not even a very convincing one.
00:07:09:06 00:07:14:08 Ah! Fooled you. It looks like a plastic dog turd,
but is, in fact, a real dog turd.
00:07:14:19 00:07:15:19 Mmm.
00:07:17:04 00:07:19:15 Well, I'll take a dozen.
00:07:22:10 00:07:23:12 How nice.
00:07:23:14 00:07:26:00 -How absolutely delightful.
-Charming.
00:07:26:02 00:07:28:11 Quite charming. A charming restaurant.
00:07:28:13 00:07:32:16 -A charming, as you say, restaurant.
-Really quite delightful.
00:07:32:21 00:07:35:18 I think one of my favourite
really quite delightful restaurants.
00:07:35:20 00:07:38:20 Yeah, I agree. I do agree.
I really do agree. I really do.
00:07:38:22 00:07:40:09 Are you ready to order?
00:07:41:23 00:07:44:10 -Did you say something?
-No.
00:07:44:12 00:07:45:15 I thought I heard...
00:07:45:17 00:07:48:13 I rather think it may have been
a member of the restaurant staff.
00:07:49:03 00:07:50:19 Ah. Ah.
00:07:51:23 00:07:52:24 Ah.
00:07:53:01 00:07:55:20 -Are you ready to order?
-Yes, we are ready to order, thank you.
00:07:55:22 00:08:00:03 I shall have the melon followed by the roast lamb.
00:08:00:05 00:08:02:10 Melon, lamb. And you, sir?
00:08:02:12 00:08:06:24 I shall have soupe de poisson,
I think followed by roast lamb also.
00:08:08:01 00:08:09:22 Fish soup, lamb.
00:08:10:00 00:08:11:13 -I'm so sorry.
-Yes?
00:08:11:15 00:08:14:06 -What did you just say?
-Fish soup, lamb.
00:08:14:08 00:08:17:13 Ah! Yes.
Perhaps I didn't make myself absolutely clear.
00:08:17:15 00:08:20:16 I would actually like some soupe de poisson.
00:08:20:19 00:08:22:15 Soupe de poisson is fish soup.
00:08:23:11 00:08:25:07 -Oh, dear.
-Oh, deary me.
00:08:26:02 00:08:30:13 -Was I speaking too quickly for you?
-Yes, you seem to be a little bit confused.
00:08:30:15 00:08:34:10 -I asked for soupe de poisson.
-Soupe de poisson.
00:08:34:18 00:08:36:19 Soupe de poisson is fish soup.
00:08:36:21 00:08:40:11 -No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no.
00:08:40:13 00:08:42:11 No, I've obviously lost you.
00:08:42:18 00:08:46:10 Soupe de poisson is soupe de poisson.
00:08:46:13 00:08:51:08 -Do you see?
-One thing cannot be another thing. All right?
00:08:51:13 00:08:55:06 Now, as you have gone to the trouble
of advertising soupe de poisson
00:08:55:08 00:08:58:08 and I have gone to the great lengths
of ordering soupe de poisson,
00:08:58:10 00:09:02:14 perhaps you would be kind enough to bring me
some soupe de poisson. Thank you.
00:09:04:00 00:09:07:14 -And some mineral water.
-Mineral water.
00:09:08:04 00:09:09:08 Thank you.
00:09:11:05 00:09:14:14 -What a delightful restaurant.
-Absolutely delightful, yes.
00:09:14:16 00:09:17:00 -Mineral water.
-Oh, dear.
00:09:17:02 00:09:19:24 -Oh, waitress.
-Waitress.
00:09:20:02 00:09:21:04 Yes?
00:09:21:06 00:09:23:17 Can you remember what it was I asked you for?
00:09:23:19 00:09:26:01 I think I saw you write it down.
Did you write it down?
00:09:26:03 00:09:27:22 Yes. Mineral water.
00:09:27:24 00:09:30:01 -Bravo.
-Excellent, well done.
00:09:30:03 00:09:32:21 But you have brought a bottle of mineral water.
00:09:32:23 00:09:36:05 Do you see? These are called bottles.
00:09:37:04 00:09:38:25 We asked for mineral water.
00:09:39:02 00:09:42:15 Mineral water, just as you carefully wrote down
on your small pad.
00:09:43:22 00:09:46:10 -How much mineral water?
-Some.
00:09:47:12 00:09:50:11 Some mineral water, I think we asked for.
00:09:50:13 00:09:52:09 -Some.
-Some?
00:09:52:11 00:09:56:06 Yes, however, we can check precisely
how much we requested from you.
00:09:56:08 00:10:01:01 We do tape all our conversations
against just such a contingency.
00:10:02:01 00:10:03:20 (TAPE REWINDING)
00:10:04:02 00:10:06:02 Get out the pair of you, you snotty wankers!
00:10:06:04 00:10:08:17 Ah, no. No.
00:10:08:19 00:10:11:20 -That was the restaurant we were in yesterday.
-Yes.
00:10:12:08 00:10:15:21 -And what a delightful restaurant it was, too.
-Quite delightful.
00:10:16:23 00:10:18:01 Here we are.
00:10:18:03 00:10:21:05 -And some mineral water.
-Mineral water.
00:10:21:07 00:10:24:03 -There. Do you see?
-Some mineral water.
00:10:24:05 00:10:27:05 -No mention of bottles.
-Shall I bring it in a jug?
00:10:27:07 00:10:28:23 Yes, now, you see, young lady,
00:10:29:00 00:10:33:01 my suggestion to you is that you should
bring us mineral water in a jug
00:10:33:03 00:10:35:06 when we ask for mineral water in a jug.
00:10:35:08 00:10:39:06 Till then, we'd be very grateful
if you just brought us some mineral water.
00:10:39:08 00:10:41:10 -Thank you.
-All right, thank you.
00:10:42:21 00:10:46:02 -What a delightful restaurant.
-Simply charming restaurant.
00:10:49:22 00:10:51:04 -Thank you.
-Thank you.
00:10:51:06 00:10:52:06 Delightful.
00:10:52:08 00:10:56:07 Now, I wonder, my dear, is there a gents near by?
I'm rather desperate for a pee.
00:10:56:10 00:10:59:20 Well, there is one, but it was out of order
earlier on. I'll just check for you.
00:11:01:00 00:11:04:02 -Charming waitress, do you see?
-This is right, do you understand?
00:11:09:21 00:11:12:13 Yes, now, waitress.
You must forgive my stupidity...
00:11:12:15 00:11:14:19 Well, you asked for it. Listen.
00:11:17:03 00:11:19:05 I'm rather desperate for a pea.
00:11:21:21 00:11:23:03 I see.
00:11:23:16 00:11:26:06 I was four when I saw my parents at it.
00:11:26:08 00:11:29:14 My father said he was mending the fuse
that made Mummy's teeth work.
00:11:29:16 00:11:31:06 I believed him, too.
00:11:32:08 00:11:36:14 No, er, very happily married. Very happily married.
Very happily married, indeed.
00:11:37:04 00:11:40:13 Er, my wife's away in Wales at the moment,
visiting her sister.
00:11:42:23 00:11:44:13 This isn't going out on television, is it?
00:11:46:00 00:11:47:11 Who the hell are you?
00:11:48:05 00:11:49:23 Who is she? Go away.
00:11:50:07 00:11:53:11 Is God an Englishman? Well, that's a tricky one.
00:11:53:13 00:11:55:04 Theologians are pretty much undecided,
00:11:55:06 00:11:58:06 but I think it is universally accepted
that he isn't Welsh.
00:11:59:21 00:12:02:10 Answer phones? Bollocks, more like.
00:12:09:02 00:12:10:03 (LAUGHING)
00:12:10:05 00:12:12:22 Oh, that was lovely, Michael.
Lovely. Absolutely lovely.
00:12:12:24 00:12:15:02 I wouldn't mind going there myself.
00:12:15:07 00:12:20:07 Well, hello, good morning and welcome
to this week's episode of Tahitian Kitchen.
00:12:20:09 00:12:22:03 I'm Elizabeth Martin.
00:12:22:05 00:12:24:14 Last week, if you can be bothered to remember,
00:12:24:16 00:12:28:13 we looked at the preparation of main dishes,
Tahitian style.
00:12:28:15 00:12:32:06 Well, this week I'm thinking of those
who might be on a tighter sodding budget,
00:12:32:08 00:12:36:24 and so I shall be showing you
what to do with those cheaper off-cuts,
00:12:37:01 00:12:38:17 the rarer offals and so on,
00:12:38:19 00:12:42:21 which, while they may not look
so blasted, bloody-well tempting,
00:12:42:23 00:12:47:12 can often be as appetising and nutritious
and arsingly well worth eating
00:12:47:14 00:12:49:21 as many of the dearer cuts.
00:12:49:23 00:12:54:17 Well, I have here two ears,
which I've salted and marinated overnight.
00:12:55:14 00:12:58:13 They come from a young Anglia journalist
00:12:59:00 00:13:03:13 whom I slaughtered a couple of days ago
just outside Biggleswade.
00:13:04:07 00:13:07:18 The important thing with ears
is that they should always be fresh.
00:13:07:20 00:13:09:24 Now, what I'm going to do
is I'm going to combine them.
00:13:10:01 00:13:11:02 I'm going to put them in a bowl
00:13:11:04 00:13:13:19 and I'm going to combine them
with some testicles here.
00:13:16:11 00:13:19:05 These are from
some Third Division football players.
00:13:20:04 00:13:22:21 I'm going to put them in with the ears.
00:13:22:23 00:13:27:12 And we're just going to add some fingers here,
which come from a Rod Stewart fan.
00:13:29:08 00:13:33:07 They should all go in, including,
particularly delicious, of course, the thumb.
00:13:33:13 00:13:37:17 Now, I'm just going to mix that
in a nice Provençal sauce of tomato and garlic.
00:13:37:19 00:13:40:25 For those of you
who are more interested in feet and toes,
00:13:41:02 00:13:44:20 I should urge you to remember
that smaller is tastier.
00:13:45:08 00:13:47:21 These come from a Welsh heterosexual.
00:13:48:01 00:13:52:19 Welsh toes are always preferable
if you can find them at this time of the year.
00:13:53:06 00:13:56:06 Remember, too, that toes are an absolutely ideal
00:13:56:08 00:13:59:09 fork supper treat or appetising dip idea.
00:13:59:19 00:14:03:07 -Michael, would you care to have a try?
-Well, I'm game for anything, Elizabeth.
00:14:03:09 00:14:05:06 Don't I (BLEEP) know it?
00:14:11:21 00:14:15:03 -Mmm. Delicious.
-And they won't break the bank, either.
00:14:15:06 00:14:18:01 And talking of not breaking the bank, Wilson...
00:14:18:12 00:14:21:19 In this edition of My Favourite Pants,
00:14:21:21 00:14:26:14 we visit the home of former National Hunt jockey,
Sir Clive Drummond.
00:14:27:02 00:14:29:03 Though thankfully my daughter Jennifer
00:14:29:05 00:14:33:13 now lives reasonably close at hand, so that's...
That's all worked out pretty well.
00:14:33:15 00:14:35:14 Now these ones over here,
00:14:37:14 00:14:40:07 not exactly my favourite pants,
00:14:40:24 00:14:43:04 but ones, I think,
with the greatest sentimental value.
00:14:43:06 00:14:48:07 Because, you see, these used to belong to
Arnold Travis, the great Leicestershire fast bowler.
00:14:48:09 00:14:50:03 He gave them to me shortly before he died.
00:14:50:05 00:14:53:08 Now I can never look at these pants
without thinking of Arnold
00:14:53:10 00:14:55:19 and that marvellous great booming laugh of his.
00:14:55:21 00:14:58:21 And of course the day
he took five for 1 2 against Yorkshire.
00:14:58:23 00:15:01:03 Wearing these very pants,
I think I'm right in saying,
00:15:01:05 00:15:03:11 although Arnold could never give me
an absolute assurance of that.
00:15:03:13 00:15:06:22 Ah, now, these ones here...
Again, not my favourite pants,
00:15:07:17 00:15:11:07 but... Because I've always been
a lifelong Liberal, you see.
00:15:11:10 00:15:14:03 And these pants used to belong
to Jimmy Westbrook
00:15:14:05 00:15:17:20 who stood as the Liberal candidate
in the Newbury by-election of '61 .
00:15:17:24 00:15:20:21 Lost his deposit, unfortunately,
but fought a marvellous campaign
00:15:20:23 00:15:22:18 and was admired by everyone who knew him.
00:15:22:20 00:15:24:06 And he gave me these pants
00:15:24:08 00:15:26:09 after the Liberal Party Conference
the following year.
00:15:26:11 00:15:29:01 And he said that
if I ever wanted to go into politics,
00:15:29:03 00:15:30:24 I ought to wear these pants.
00:15:32:06 00:15:34:15 I never did, of course, but a marvellous thought.
00:15:35:08 00:15:39:00 Now, the pants I most like to wear
on a day-to-day basis are these ones.
00:15:40:13 00:15:42:09 Marks and Spencer, so nothing very fancy.
00:15:42:11 00:15:45:07 But, you know,
I always say there's little point in a fancy pant.
00:15:45:09 00:15:46:19 You know, give me a...
00:15:46:21 00:15:49:07 Give me a straight no-nonsense
Marks and Spencer pant,
00:15:49:09 00:15:50:22 and I'm as happy as a sandboy, you know.
00:15:50:24 00:15:54:11 These pants really are
the ideal working or leisure pant,
00:15:55:17 00:15:57:17 equally at home in town or country.
00:15:58:15 00:16:00:14 Truly a pant for all seasons.
00:16:01:20 00:16:03:14 Yeah. Oh, good Lord, now, here...
00:16:03:19 00:16:06:12 I'd quite forgotten about these. Now there's a...
00:16:06:14 00:16:09:12 (LAUGHING) There's a very funny story
attached to these pants.
00:16:10:20 00:16:14:11 But it must have fallen out.
It was stapled into the gusset there.
00:16:14:13 00:16:17:05 I can't think what would have happened to that.
00:16:17:07 00:16:19:18 Oh, now, yes. Now, look at this.
00:16:19:20 00:16:23:02 These ones,
now these really are the Rolls-Royce of pants.
00:16:23:12 00:16:26:10 These were made by
Wellard's of Bishop's Stortford,
00:16:27:04 00:16:30:18 who made pants for, well,
just about everyone you can think of.
00:16:30:20 00:16:32:04 They're custom made, as you can see.
00:16:32:06 00:16:35:15 You put these on and you feel like a maharaja.
You really do.
00:16:35:22 00:16:40:05 In fact, I often think it's a bit of a crime
to put trousers on over these ones.
00:16:40:11 00:16:41:13 (COUGHING) Yeah, yes...
00:16:41:15 00:16:44:01 Quite often I'll put these on outside my trousers
00:16:44:03 00:16:49:01 and, you know, walk up and down the High Street
just admiring them in shop windows and so on.
00:16:49:09 00:16:52:21 And let me tell you,
they attract quite a lot of attention.
00:16:53:15 00:16:55:05 Now, these ones over here...
00:16:55:23 00:16:58:08 No, you... You can't lick the system.
00:16:59:09 00:17:01:01 You can give it a damn good fondling, though.
00:17:02:13 00:17:05:25 I gave up smoking in July 1 985.
00:17:06:18 00:17:11:14 Just like that. Didn't cut down,
didn't get acupuncture. I just plain stopped.
00:17:12:05 00:17:13:20 I've been in hell ever since.
00:17:15:05 00:17:18:22 Oh, no, I've... I'm afraid to say,
I've never forgiven the Japanese.
00:17:19:13 00:17:23:06 To this day I refuse
to have a Japanese car in the house.
00:17:24:16 00:17:29:10 Well, he was drinking so much low-alcohol beer
that he was in danger of becoming a low-alcoholic.
00:17:31:04 00:17:33:06 Fax machines? Bollocks, more like.
00:17:34:13 00:17:36:25 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, way to go, get seriously down to that.
00:17:37:02 00:17:40:20 Now it's time to crank it up and really
boogie to some back-to-back fat beat.
00:17:40:22 00:17:44:16 Let's have ourselves a rocking good time
with the Bishop and the Warlord.
00:17:44:18 00:17:46:01 Give me at least five.
00:17:46:03 00:17:48:02 (CROWD CHEERING)
00:17:51:18 00:17:55:01 (PLAYING HEAVY METAL MUSIC)
00:17:56:17 00:17:59:20 # Yes, my baby turns some heads
00:18:01:09 00:18:03:20 # When she walks in through the door
00:18:05:08 00:18:08:00 # She's got red, red ruby lips
00:18:09:21 00:18:12:10 #And legs right down to the floor
00:18:13:24 00:18:16:13 # She walks just like a wild cat
00:18:17:19 00:18:18:20 (SCREAMING)
00:18:18:22 00:18:21:15 #And she sings just like a dream
00:18:22:13 00:18:24:22 # Yes, my baby
00:18:25:12 00:18:28:17 # Well, she's the greatest thing
that you've ever, ever seen
00:18:29:22 00:18:32:12 # I need the heat of your loving, baby
00:18:32:14 00:18:35:18 # You've got to burn with your desire
00:18:35:20 00:18:38:08 # Start smoking at the edges
00:18:38:17 00:18:41:21 # Set yourself on fire
00:18:42:12 00:18:46:06 # Oh, my baby is mine, mine, mine
00:18:46:08 00:18:49:22 # My baby is mine, all mine, all mine
00:18:51:04 00:18:55:21 # Set yourself on fire, my dear
Set yourself on fire #
00:18:56:13 00:19:00:13 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) ''Set yourself on fire.''
Four words, Your Honour.
00:19:00:17 00:19:03:25 Four innocent words
every bit as common in our everyday language
00:19:04:02 00:19:07:13 as ''freedom'' or ''vitamin enriched''.
00:19:07:23 00:19:10:20 But you play those four words backwards
and what do you have?
00:19:10:22 00:19:12:17 Erifnoflesruoytes.
00:19:13:06 00:19:14:24 But that isn't enough for these people. Oh, no.
00:19:15:01 00:19:19:03 No, they're smarter than that,
because if you play ''Erifnoflesruoytes'' backwards,
00:19:19:05 00:19:22:24 you can clearly make out the words
''Set yourself on fire.''
00:19:23:01 00:19:27:06 A distinct explicitous
and unambiguoustical instruction to my client,
00:19:27:08 00:19:28:17 which she obeyed,
00:19:28:19 00:19:32:01 to pour a can of gasoline over her head
and set fire to it,
00:19:32:03 00:19:34:20 causing untold physical
and mental traumatisation.
00:19:34:22 00:19:36:21 Let me get this straight, Mr Sanchez.
00:19:36:23 00:19:39:15 You're saying that your client
listened to the song...
00:19:39:19 00:19:42:22 -Grease My Gristle, Blow My Whistle.
-Catchy title.
00:19:42:24 00:19:46:12 -And as a result she set fire to herself?
-Precisely, Your Honour.
00:19:47:05 00:19:50:05 As a matter of interest,
did she also grease her gristle and...
00:19:50:07 00:19:54:01 She certainly did, Your Honour,
causing herself grievous internal bruisality.
00:19:54:03 00:19:56:00 That case comes to trial next month.
00:19:56:02 00:19:59:22 -Any other cases pending?
-Yes, Your Honour, we have a suit of $700 million
00:19:59:24 00:20:01:15 against the rock group Queen
00:20:01:17 00:20:06:02 who caused my client to suffer a broken jaw
by urging her to become champion of the world.
00:20:06:04 00:20:08:07 -In what?
-Light-middleweight boxing.
00:20:08:09 00:20:11:13 $400 million against Frankie Goes to Hollywood
00:20:11:15 00:20:14:07 for instructioning her to relax and not do it.
00:20:14:09 00:20:15:10 Relax and not do what?
00:20:15:12 00:20:18:19 Relax and not apply the breaks of her automobile
at a T-junction.
00:20:18:21 00:20:22:09 And finally $900 million against Jason Donovan.
00:20:22:14 00:20:25:07 -For what?
-We haven't decided yet, Your Honour.
00:20:25:11 00:20:29:22 I see. Well, that makes $2 billion.
Quite a substantial figure, Counselor.
00:20:29:24 00:20:33:00 Well, to be honest, Your Honour,
my wife and I have seen a place down south
00:20:33:02 00:20:34:05 that we're kind of keen on.
00:20:34:07 00:20:36:15 It's, you know, space for the kids,
weekends, that sort of thing.
00:20:36:17 00:20:38:24 -Oh, really? What's it called?
-Paraguay.
00:20:39:02 00:20:40:04 That's nice.
00:20:40:06 00:20:42:04 Now, do you have any witnesses?
00:20:42:06 00:20:44:19 I certainly have. I call the defendant himself.
00:20:44:21 00:20:48:19 The self-styled clergyman of cool,
Bishop of Attleborough.
00:20:49:01 00:20:51:19 Take the book in your right hand and say after me.
00:20:51:21 00:20:54:10 -I have no objection...
-''I have no objection...''
00:20:54:12 00:20:57:20 -...to this trial being televised...
-''...to this trial being televised...''
00:20:57:22 00:21:00:20 -...and subsequently being made...
-''...and subsequently being made...''
00:21:00:22 00:21:03:17 ...into a motion picture, book or stage musical,
so help me God.
00:21:03:19 00:21:07:12 ''...into a motion picture, book or stage musical,
so help me God.''
00:21:08:13 00:21:09:17 Now then,
00:21:10:10 00:21:11:17 what is your name, sir?
00:21:11:19 00:21:15:05 -My name is...
-Just answer the question ''Yes'' or ''No'', please.
00:21:15:07 00:21:17:00 What is your name?
00:21:17:03 00:21:18:19 -Yes.
-Yes?
00:21:18:24 00:21:21:06 -Yes.
-Is that your real name?
00:21:21:20 00:21:23:10 -No.
-''No'', is your real name?
00:21:23:12 00:21:24:18 -No.
-''No'', it's not your real name?
00:21:24:20 00:21:26:09 -Yes...
-Objection, Your Honour...
00:21:26:11 00:21:27:20 Objection overseen, Counselor.
00:21:27:22 00:21:31:01 Now, Mr Yes, you are the lead singer
of the heavy metal band
00:21:31:03 00:21:32:06 The Bishop and the Warlord?
00:21:32:08 00:21:35:06 -That's substantially correct.
-Substantially?
00:21:35:09 00:21:36:12 Well, of course being a bishop
00:21:36:14 00:21:39:06 means I have to spend a great deal of time
within my own diocese
00:21:39:08 00:21:41:24 as well as attending council of synod meetings,
00:21:42:09 00:21:45:08 which means I have only limited amount of time
to devote to the band.
00:21:45:10 00:21:48:16 -But you are, in essence, correct.
-I am, in essence, correct.
00:21:48:18 00:21:53:00 I see, and when you look upon
the poor wretched figure of my client, Mr Yes,
00:21:53:02 00:21:55:20 an innocent victim of your handiwork,
how do you feel?
00:21:55:22 00:22:00:08 Your Honour, I really must stand up
and make some pretence of earning my fee.
00:22:00:10 00:22:03:19 -Nice work, Counselor.
-I say it again, how do you feel?
00:22:03:21 00:22:06:15 Well, most awfully sorry.
00:22:07:13 00:22:09:16 ''Most awfully sorry.''
00:22:10:01 00:22:14:19 But it simply never crossed my mind
that people could be told what to do so easily.
00:22:15:00 00:22:18:02 I mean, for instance,
perhaps you know our second album,
00:22:18:04 00:22:21:00 May I Plant My Bulb in Your Window Box?
00:22:21:10 00:22:24:24 There was a song in that which I wrote called,
Bake Me a Love Soufflé.
00:22:25:01 00:22:27:07 Now, surely you're not suggesting
that anybody would go to such...
00:22:27:09 00:22:30:25 Love soufflé. One baked by my client.
00:22:31:02 00:22:33:07 Sadly, at no personal injury to herself.
00:22:33:09 00:22:37:04 Mr Yes, in the light of this evidence
I have no choice but to find for the plaintiff.
00:22:37:17 00:22:40:03 Do you have anything to say
before I name the amount?
00:22:40:05 00:22:43:22 -Well, yes, Your Honour. One thing does occur.
-Yes?
00:22:44:07 00:22:45:23 Perhaps I can put it this way.
00:22:46:00 00:22:47:13 -One, two, three.
-Objection!
00:22:47:15 00:22:48:17 # Woman!
00:22:48:19 00:22:49:20 (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
00:22:49:22 00:22:51:08 # Woman, drop your case
00:22:51:10 00:22:54:14 # Woman! Woman, get out of my face!
00:22:56:00 00:22:58:23 # Woman, forget the whole thing ever happened
00:22:59:00 00:23:02:09 # Drop those charges and pay my legal costs
00:23:02:11 00:23:05:07 # Woman, you know this case is as good as lost
00:23:05:09 00:23:07:03 # Woman, get out of my life
00:23:07:05 00:23:09:02 # Woman, get out of my face
00:23:09:04 00:23:12:08 # Get out of my face, woman
Get out of my face #
00:23:12:10 00:23:16:01 Your Honour after due consultation
with my client she has asked me to say
00:23:16:03 00:23:20:13 that she would like to drop all charges,
pay all the legal costs and, er...
00:23:21:23 00:23:24:16 She would also like permission
to get out of his face.
00:23:24:18 00:23:27:07 Such permission is so engranted, Mr Sanchez.
00:23:27:09 00:23:30:00 Case dismissulated. Next case.
00:23:30:02 00:23:32:24 The state would like to call Mr Tony Inchpractice.
00:23:33:01 00:23:35:10 Hello, I'm Tony Inchpractice.
00:23:35:19 00:23:41:01 Welcome to Flying a Light Aeroplane
Without Having Had Any Formal Instruction With.
00:23:41:11 00:23:46:03 Today I shall be flying a light aeroplane
without having had any formal instruction
00:23:46:05 00:23:49:22 with Sir Peter Winstanton,
former Chairman of the National Trust
00:23:49:24 00:23:52:17 and now Maître de Danse
at the Galliard Ballet Company.
00:23:52:19 00:23:55:05 -Hello, Sir Peter.
-Good afternoon, Johnny.
00:23:55:09 00:23:57:16 -No, my name isn't Johnny.
-Never said it was.
00:23:57:18 00:24:01:15 Right. Now, Sir Peter, have you ever flown
a light aeroplane before?
00:24:01:17 00:24:03:25 -Never have, Johnny, never, no.
-Never had any lessons?
00:24:04:02 00:24:05:23 Oh, I've had lessons, yes, yes...
00:24:06:00 00:24:09:08 -History, Geography, English, Maths...
-Yes, but not in flying?
00:24:09:10 00:24:11:10 -Flying, no.
-No, and I've never flown before.
00:24:11:12 00:24:14:05 -Is this something you've always wanted to do?
-Not particularly.
00:24:14:07 00:24:17:06 So when you rang up
I absolutely leapt at the chance.
00:24:17:13 00:24:20:24 -Right. Well, Sir Peter, shall we?
-Right.
00:24:21:02 00:24:22:09 I mean, I don't know if you...
00:24:22:11 00:24:25:22 Actually, would it be all right if I sat in the front?
Because I tend to get a bit sick...
00:24:25:24 00:24:27:07 -It's fine by me, yes.
-...if I'm in the back.
00:24:27:09 00:24:28:19 -Absolutely, carry on.
-Right.
00:24:28:21 00:24:30:17 Put... Yes, that's it.
00:24:30:21 00:24:31:24 Now...
00:24:32:01 00:24:36:17 Sir Peter, can I begin by asking you
about your early childhood influences?
00:24:36:19 00:24:39:17 Your parents died when you were very young,
00:24:39:19 00:24:44:20 and you were brought up by an aunt
in a boarding house on the South Coast, I believe.
00:24:44:22 00:24:46:07 Yes, that's right.
00:24:46:19 00:24:49:21 So, what... What exactly do we do now?
00:24:49:24 00:24:51:14 Haven't got the faintest idea, I'm afraid.
00:24:51:16 00:24:52:23 -Ah.
-It's, I suppose...
00:24:53:00 00:24:54:09 -Start the, um...
-Mmm.
00:24:54:11 00:24:57:12 You know, in my Saab,
it won't start unless you're in park.
00:24:58:05 00:25:01:01 I do say. Well, let's try a few knobs.
00:25:01:03 00:25:04:14 So, presumably, yours must have been
rather a lonely childhood?
00:25:04:24 00:25:08:13 -Hello! That was a stroke of luck.
-Well done!
00:25:08:15 00:25:11:01 Tell you what.
Have you got any levers in the back?
00:25:11:03 00:25:13:02 -Any what?
-Levers in the back.
00:25:14:05 00:25:17:02 No, I tell you what. I have got a hat, though.
00:25:17:04 00:25:18:07 -A hat?
-Yes.
00:25:18:09 00:25:20:07 -Oh, I've got a hat.
-Hats on?
00:25:20:09 00:25:22:05 -Hats on, good idea.
-Right.
00:25:25:09 00:25:27:23 Oh, what the hell? I'll just pull everything.
00:25:29:02 00:25:31:11 Oh, hello! Looks like we're off.
00:25:33:14 00:25:37:19 -I'll just head for the trees, shall I?
-Fine with me, Sir Peter.
00:25:37:21 00:25:39:15 Now, Sir Peter, can I ask you?
00:25:39:17 00:25:41:12 You've often said that your wife
00:25:41:14 00:25:44:02 has been an important source of encouragement
in your career.
00:25:44:04 00:25:45:13 How did you actually come to meet?
00:25:45:15 00:25:47:06 Well, there's a story behind that, actually.
00:25:47:08 00:25:49:02 -Is there? I thought there might be.
-Yes.
00:25:49:04 00:25:52:00 -I went to a fancy dress party in Bournemouth...
-Oh, how nice.
00:25:52:02 00:25:54:20 ...and I was dressed as an airmail parcel.
00:25:55:02 00:25:57:24 I then got posted overseas.
00:25:58:01 00:25:59:18 -Right.
-And I met her in Bombay.
00:25:59:20 00:26:01:21 -Bombay?
-Bombay. And...
00:26:01:23 00:26:03:19 Was it love at first sight, do you mind me asking?
00:26:03:21 00:26:07:07 -I adored Bombay. It's a lovely city. Lovely city.
-Right.
00:26:07:09 00:26:10:14 Oh! Hello.
Oh, I thought for a moment we were off.
00:26:10:16 00:26:13:11 Well, I have to say, Sir Peter,
I think you're doing enormously well.
00:26:13:13 00:26:15:16 -Well, beginners' luck, I think.
-Yes.
00:26:15:18 00:26:18:13 -PETER: We're definitely off the ground now.
-It really is splendid.
00:26:18:15 00:26:21:05 (PETER LAUGHING)
00:26:21:11 00:26:23:02 PETER: How about that?
00:26:23:18 00:26:26:14 Oh, hello? Oh, no, there go my car keys.
00:26:26:16 00:26:27:19 TONY: Oh, no, you haven't, have you?
00:26:27:21 00:26:31:14 PETER: I hope they don't land on the button
or they'll open all the car doors automatically.
00:26:31:16 00:26:33:04 -That's what happens.
-Yes.
00:26:33:06 00:26:35:06 Now, Sir Peter,
00:26:35:08 00:26:38:08 how and when
did you come to join the National Trust?
00:26:38:10 00:26:39:20 Well, it was a strange thing, I...
00:26:39:22 00:26:42:16 This looks like it's... Is it landing, do you think?
00:26:42:18 00:26:45:09 -Well, it's as near as one can get I suppose.
-Yes, yes.
00:26:45:11 00:26:47:17 -PETER: So what happened was... Oh!
-Oh! Hello.
00:26:47:19 00:26:50:08 I wrote a letter to the National Trust group
00:26:50:10 00:26:53:14 -asking if I could join them.
-Yes. Do you mind not actually doing this?
00:26:53:16 00:26:55:01 -This bouncing.
-Are you getting a bit queasy?
00:26:55:03 00:26:57:06 -TONY: Just a little bit queasy, yes.
-You in the back, of course.
00:26:57:08 00:26:58:11 (BOTH EXCLAIMING)
00:26:58:13 00:27:00:17 -PETER: So sorry.
-Oh, my word.
00:27:02:05 00:27:04:13 So, Sir Peter, where to from here?
00:27:04:15 00:27:08:10 Well, I think probably
the Bell at Aston Clinton for a spot of tea.
00:27:08:12 00:27:09:24 Jolly nice, too.
00:27:11:24 00:27:14:02 Testicles? Bollocks, more like.
00:27:16:19 00:27:18:19 Well, that's about it for this week.
00:27:19:05 00:27:21:01 Indeed that's about it for this series.
00:27:21:02 00:27:24:13 If you've enjoyed this series of
A Bit of Fry & Laurie,
00:27:24:15 00:27:26:07 you may like to know that the BBC
00:27:26:09 00:27:29:10 are bringing out some special
commemorative oven gloves
00:27:29:12 00:27:32:21 in the shape of
special commemorative oven gloves.
00:27:32:23 00:27:35:04 And for those of you
who like to get out into the garden...
00:27:35:06 00:27:36:08 -Hugh.
-I'm sorry.
00:27:36:10 00:27:38:09 I do beg your pardon. I shouldn't have said that.
00:27:38:11 00:27:41:00 All right. So until we meet the next time,
00:27:41:02 00:27:43:16 and who knows where
or under what circumstances,
00:27:43:18 00:27:46:14 there's just time for me to say,
it's good night from me.
00:27:46:16 00:27:49:09 -And it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:27:49:11 00:27:52:10 -And it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.
00:27:52:12 00:27:54:15 And it's good night from me.
00:27:54:17 00:27:58:10 And we're going to leave you now
with our final cocktail recipe.
00:27:58:14 00:28:01:19 And this one's called Berliner Credit Sequence.
00:28:01:21 00:28:04:08 For this you will a need a television set,
00:28:04:10 00:28:06:16 the names in German of all the people
00:28:06:18 00:28:10:01 who go to make up
a faintly amusing television series
00:28:10:03 00:28:12:09 and a plate of tomato sandwiches.
00:28:12:20 00:28:17:00 Now, I'm going to ask
the master magician of handcraft himself,
00:28:17:07 00:28:19:23 Mr Music, for the very last time,
00:28:20:00 00:28:23:06 to weave a dizzying, jazz pattern of sound.
00:28:23:08 00:28:25:17 As I say for the final time,
00:28:25:19 00:28:28:10 please, Mr Music, will you play?
00:28:28:21 00:28:33:23 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:28:49:15 00:28:52:06 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)