00:00:01:18 00:00:03:08 (SINGING)
00:00:04:12 00:00:07:13 FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.
00:00:08:10 00:00:09:16 LAURIE: A bit.
00:00:09:20 00:00:13:02 FRY: Between fact and breakfast,
00:00:13:04 00:00:17:23 madness, lies, lies, lies...
00:00:18:02 00:00:19:12 LAURIE: A bit.
00:00:19:15 00:00:22:23 FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet...
00:00:23:09 00:00:24:24 I hate you...
00:00:25:01 00:00:26:03 (FRY SOBBING)
00:00:26:05 00:00:30:01 As love, rage and aches of the ear.
00:00:35:06 00:00:38:14 Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
00:00:48:07 00:00:52:04 Strangest thing, really, isn't it?
Tony's off to lunch again.
00:00:52:06 00:00:55:08 I swear that man gets earlier and earlier
every time.
00:00:55:10 00:00:58:14 He's gonna meet himself
having breakfast one day.
00:00:59:08 00:01:00:25 You all right, old fellow?
00:01:01:21 00:01:04:22 Oh, I'm... Yes, yes, sorry, I'm just...
00:01:05:03 00:01:08:22 No, come on, come on. Whatever it is, out with it.
It can't be that bad.
00:01:08:24 00:01:11:10 I... I just can't help feeling that,
00:01:12:03 00:01:14:22 you know, my life is grey and hopeless.
00:01:15:19 00:01:20:02 Grey and hopeless? Grey and hopeless?
Whatever do you mean?
00:01:20:04 00:01:23:11 Well, you know, I look into the future,
and what do I see?
00:01:23:14 00:01:25:12 I don't know. What do you see?
00:01:26:00 00:01:29:18 Just the blank rolling of the years,
one after another, like...
00:01:30:11 00:01:33:16 Like grey, hopeless waves
beating against my brain
00:01:33:18 00:01:36:11 until the blood runs out of my ears.
00:01:36:13 00:01:38:04 Oh, come on now.
00:01:38:06 00:01:42:04 Look at you, you've got a lovely wife.
Well, you've got a wife.
00:01:42:10 00:01:45:22 You've got a very pleasant house,
three loving goldfish...
00:01:45:24 00:01:49:18 Oh, I know, I know. But...
Well, I mean, what does it mean?
00:01:50:00 00:01:52:25 You know, we live in a doomed world.
00:01:53:13 00:01:56:09 Oh, nonsense, what do you mean, ''doomed''?
00:01:56:11 00:02:00:23 Nobody likes anybody any more.
Nobody cares about anybody or anything.
00:02:01:17 00:02:06:08 People go around hitting and stealing
and stabbing and insulting.
00:02:07:05 00:02:11:06 Cities are unbreathable,
the countryside's a poisonous mess.
00:02:11:08 00:02:14:10 You can get beaten up by a 1 2-year-old,
and ripped off by your neighbour.
00:02:14:12 00:02:17:07 Well, I grant you, things aren't perfect,
but I mean...
00:02:17:09 00:02:20:16 There are no certainties any more,
it's just battle lines.
00:02:20:22 00:02:24:15 There's no pleasure in anything,
except in getting drunk,
00:02:24:21 00:02:29:03 or high on dangerous drugs
supplied by maniacs with machine guns.
00:02:29:06 00:02:32:23 Well, it's a grim old world, all right,
but surely it's always been like...
00:02:33:00 00:02:36:17 I mean, films and music are crap, books are crap.
00:02:37:12 00:02:41:00 Streets are so full, you can't walk in a town
without getting pushed off the pavement.
00:02:41:02 00:02:44:14 Roads are unusable, trains are a bloody joke.
00:02:45:20 00:02:50:11 The politicians are so feeble-minded and gutless,
you can't even hate them.
00:02:52:21 00:02:55:23 Even sport isn't that much fun any more, is it?
00:02:56:04 00:02:59:08 You smile at someone in the street,
you're either knifed in the kidneys,
00:02:59:10 00:03:01:07 or up in court for rape.
00:03:02:16 00:03:07:05 Looking at a newspaper is like
opening a fold of used lavatory paper.
00:03:07:18 00:03:11:06 You turn on the television,
you're sprayed in coloured vomit.
00:03:11:15 00:03:13:25 It's frigging useless, isn't it?
00:03:14:05 00:03:15:17 We're done for.
00:03:15:19 00:03:18:04 We're shagged. We're absolutely shagged.
00:03:18:06 00:03:20:03 It's grey and hopeless.
00:03:20:12 00:03:24:13 No pleasure, no prospect, no future, nothing.
00:03:24:20 00:03:28:00 Just grey, hopeless hell.
00:03:28:23 00:03:32:07 -Jesus.
-Oh, Christ Jesus.
00:03:33:02 00:03:36:08 We're dead, we're dead, we're dead, we're dead.
00:03:39:01 00:03:43:03 Well, first of all, my colleague and I would like
to welcome you to a brand-spanking-new series
00:03:43:05 00:03:45:08 of A Bit of Fry and Laurie,
00:03:45:10 00:03:49:20 the show that tries to put a bit of jolliness back
into the darker corners of modern Britain,
00:03:49:22 00:03:51:08 -but doesn't.
-Mmm.
00:03:51:15 00:03:53:09 Yes, I'd...
00:03:53:12 00:03:57:03 I'd like to add my own individual welcome,
on a more personal note,
00:03:57:05 00:03:59:05 separate and distinct
from my colleague's joint welcome,
00:03:59:07 00:04:02:07 which I always think is a bit stiff, bit formal.
00:04:02:21 00:04:06:05 Uh, you know, my welcome's
really just a bit of an old ''Hi.''
00:04:06:22 00:04:08:21 Sort of, just... Just, ''Hi.''
00:04:10:14 00:04:11:15 Jesus.
00:04:11:17 00:04:15:18 So, the choice of welcomes on BBC television,
00:04:15:20 00:04:18:19 it's either, ''Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,''
or it's...
00:04:18:21 00:04:19:21 Hi.
00:04:20:17 00:04:23:05 FRY: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, you're very kind.
00:04:23:07 00:04:25:17 How very sweet. Thank you so much.
00:04:25:19 00:04:27:14 Thank you. Thank you.
00:04:27:16 00:04:32:03 Well, now my colleague and I would like
to introduce some guests
00:04:32:05 00:04:35:05 onto the A Bit of Fry and Laurie programme.
00:04:35:07 00:04:39:08 That's right. They're going to be popping in
and out over the next half-an-hour or so,
00:04:39:10 00:04:43:19 fetching, carrying, handing round bowls
of nuts and raisins during the quiet portions.
00:04:43:21 00:04:47:07 And the first of those guests is,
well, will you please welcome,
00:04:47:09 00:04:52:01 cook, father of nine, cook and amateur chef,
00:04:52:03 00:04:53:24 yes, it's John Bird.
00:05:05:17 00:05:07:21 -John, welcome.
-Thank you, great to be here.
00:05:07:23 00:05:09:06 It is, isn't it? We were just saying that.
00:05:09:08 00:05:11:05 -So much better than being over there.
-FRY: Yeah.
00:05:11:07 00:05:15:04 John, tell the ladies and gentlemen
what you've been up to for the past 30 years,
00:05:15:06 00:05:20:00 and what plans you've come up with
for the restructuring of modern Britain.
00:05:20:02 00:05:21:22 -Well...
-You're a Sagittarian, is that right?
00:05:21:24 00:05:24:20 -Yes.
-Mmm-hmm. And your favourite colour is?
00:05:24:22 00:05:29:04 Aquamarine with a streak of mottled purple
where it joins the edge.
00:05:30:12 00:05:32:15 They like you already, John. I can tell.
00:05:32:17 00:05:36:07 I know this crowd.
They're a crazy crowd, and they like you. Hugh.
00:05:36:11 00:05:41:10 Well, our next, last and final guest,
last, next and final guest,
00:05:41:12 00:05:46:08 is the chef, writer, author,
chef, cook and amateur professional,
00:05:46:10 00:05:47:23 yes, it's Jane Booker.
00:05:48:00 00:05:50:02 FRY: No, it isn't.
LAURIE: It is.
00:05:53:07 00:05:54:07 Jane, hello.
00:05:55:22 00:05:57:14 (FRY SIGHING AND LAUGHING)
00:05:58:04 00:06:00:05 Jane, you worked, um...
00:06:02:03 00:06:05:22 You worked with Norman Lamont.
What was he like as a man, as a human being?
00:06:05:24 00:06:09:12 Well, I remember once driving back from Bristol...
00:06:09:14 00:06:13:00 Bristol. That's an absolutely marvellous story,
and that's...
00:06:13:10 00:06:16:16 -That story is now available on CD, am I right?
-Yes.
00:06:16:18 00:06:21:01 Now, one of the things we hope to be doing
on this series of A Bit of Fry and Laurie
00:06:21:03 00:06:23:23 is to be building up
a collection of guest movements.
00:06:24:00 00:06:26:09 And to that end, I've asked Jane, here, and John
00:06:26:11 00:06:29:13 if they would come along
with some movements for us.
00:06:29:15 00:06:31:22 John, can we have your movement first?
00:06:34:07 00:06:37:07 -What a lovely movement.
-LAURIE: A great way to start our collection. Yeah.
00:06:37:09 00:06:40:16 Jane, can we have your movement now, please?
00:06:44:13 00:06:46:06 Two fabulous movements.
00:06:46:08 00:06:47:23 Two fabulous movements.
00:06:48:00 00:06:51:10 Now, perhaps, John, you wouldn't mind
taking the Twiglets up that side.
00:06:51:12 00:06:54:22 And, Jane, can you dish out
the condoms up that side?
00:06:56:03 00:06:58:17 FRY: I think these guests
have been really a great success.
00:06:58:19 00:07:00:04 FRY: We have been very lucky.
LAURIE: Very lucky.
00:07:00:06 00:07:03:05 Well, we have one final guest for you to meet,
00:07:03:07 00:07:06:03 who hopefully is going to be with us
throughout the show,
00:07:06:05 00:07:08:09 and his name is Dodger.
00:07:10:23 00:07:12:10 Oh, bless him.
00:07:13:12 00:07:17:00 Dodger is half-retriever, half-retriever,
00:07:17:16 00:07:20:04 and he's going to be,
00:07:20:06 00:07:23:22 well, hopefully, growing up with us
as the show goes on.
00:07:23:24 00:07:26:18 That's right. Well, I think
that's more than enough introducing
00:07:26:20 00:07:29:14 to satisfy even
the most introduction-hungry viewer.
00:07:29:16 00:07:33:16 So, meantime, it's on
with the ruthless subversion of family values.
00:07:33:21 00:07:36:15 Tonight's theme is ''Themes:
00:07:38:03 00:07:39:21 ''what good are they?''
00:07:41:14 00:07:44:12 No, I don't think they're any good at all.
00:07:44:18 00:07:46:24 Useless. I sold all mine years ago.
00:07:47:01 00:07:49:16 Themes? Well,
themes are what you make of them, you know.
00:07:49:18 00:07:52:05 I mean, a good theme, like, say,
00:07:52:07 00:07:56:10 ''Sex between people of vastly differing heights:
can Britain take it?''
00:07:56:12 00:08:00:01 can be a wonderful thing,
in the right hands, of course.
00:08:01:09 00:08:02:09 Uh...
00:08:03:03 00:08:06:06 Yeah, sex is a good theme. Yeah.
00:08:06:19 00:08:08:21 Sex is thematically strong.
00:08:09:19 00:08:12:13 Makes me want to throw up,
makes me want to keck,
00:08:12:17 00:08:17:08 makes me want to vomit.
''Hearts of gold.'' Arse of gold, more like.
00:08:17:10 00:08:20:03 I don't pay my licence fee every year.
00:08:20:14 00:08:23:02 But if I did... (MUMBLES)
00:08:23:17 00:08:28:06 It was the strangest thing, you know.
I dreamt the other night
00:08:28:08 00:08:31:21 that I was in bed with Andrew Neil.
00:08:32:12 00:08:35:20 And, you know, I woke up, and I was thinking,
00:08:35:22 00:08:37:20 ''Why Andrew Neil?'' you know.
00:08:37:24 00:08:41:16 And then I realised that the cat
had been sick on the duvet.
00:08:42:21 00:08:44:02 So...
00:08:44:09 00:08:47:14 People are often mistaking me
for Luther Vandross.
00:08:58:01 00:08:59:23 (SCREAMING)
00:09:00:06 00:09:04:05 (SOBBING) Oh, my God.
What's happened, Leonard?
00:09:04:07 00:09:07:15 I am bloody furious, Jennifer, I tell you.
00:09:07:17 00:09:10:07 Oh, the blood! What's happened?
00:09:10:09 00:09:13:25 What's happened? Well, I've killed your parents.
Basically, that's what's happened.
00:09:14:02 00:09:15:19 -What?
-Stabbed them both to death.
00:09:15:21 00:09:18:08 -What?
-I could not be more furious.
00:09:18:10 00:09:21:11 -Stabbed, but why?
-Exactly. Why?
00:09:21:13 00:09:24:11 It was so unnecessary.
That's why I'm so bloody annoyed.
00:09:24:13 00:09:25:16 What?
00:09:25:18 00:09:29:18 Well, you know, your father was being a bit ratty,
complained that the tonic water was flat,
00:09:29:20 00:09:32:10 and all of a sudden, there I was,
stabbing him in the neck with a knife.
00:09:32:12 00:09:33:20 I mean, what is going on here?
00:09:33:22 00:09:35:21 God, you killed him!
00:09:36:10 00:09:39:02 Yeah, all right. Don't go on about it.
How do you think I feel?
00:09:39:04 00:09:40:24 I don't know, Leonard.
00:09:41:01 00:09:42:17 Bloody annoyed, that's how.
00:09:42:19 00:09:45:14 -Annoyed?
-Well, somebody should have stopped this.
00:09:45:16 00:09:46:22 I had to go out.
00:09:46:24 00:09:48:24 No, no, no, I'm not blaming you, darling.
00:09:49:01 00:09:52:01 But somebody should have seen
that this was a tragedy waiting to happen
00:09:52:03 00:09:54:18 and done something about it. I really am livid.
00:09:54:20 00:09:57:01 Oh, God, and Mummy, too!
00:09:57:03 00:10:01:08 Yeah, well, she got in the way,
tried to defend him, so...
00:10:01:10 00:10:05:03 There she was, lying dead, another victim
of bureaucratic inefficiency.
00:10:05:05 00:10:06:14 I mean, it just won't do.
00:10:06:16 00:10:08:10 Have you called the police?
00:10:08:12 00:10:12:06 No, no, I thought I'd write, actually.
I thought that would carry more weight.
00:10:12:08 00:10:14:24 I mean, have you told them what you've done?
00:10:15:01 00:10:16:22 -What I've done?
-Yes!
00:10:18:01 00:10:21:07 What I've done? Oh, that's nice.
That's charming, isn't it?
00:10:21:09 00:10:26:06 I stab your parents to death with a bread knife,
and all of a sudden it's my fault.
00:10:26:08 00:10:29:08 Leonard, darling, I mean, you did it.
You said so yourself.
00:10:29:10 00:10:33:18 No. No, no, no, no, my hand did it, Jennifer,
my hand and the knife did it, yes.
00:10:33:20 00:10:36:01 But what is making my hand
do these things, hmm?
00:10:36:03 00:10:37:13 That's what you should be asking yourself.
00:10:37:15 00:10:38:21 Well, you.
00:10:38:23 00:10:42:16 No! No, no, no, no, absolutely not. It's the system.
00:10:42:18 00:10:45:13 I loved your parents, Jennifer. You know that.
00:10:45:15 00:10:48:14 You father could be a bit gassy at times,
but they were lovely people.
00:10:48:16 00:10:51:17 And now they're dead,
all because the system failed again.
00:10:51:19 00:10:55:18 You're right. It's all my fault.
I shouldn't have gone out shopping.
00:10:56:08 00:10:59:08 Well, that was my first reaction, I must admit.
Bloody Jennifer.
00:10:59:10 00:11:02:13 God, she's left me in a right pickle here.
But it's not you, darling.
00:11:02:15 00:11:05:24 You know, there are people paid
to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen,
00:11:06:01 00:11:08:04 and those people simply didn't do their job.
00:11:08:06 00:11:09:25 Yes, but if I had been here, I could...
00:11:10:02 00:11:12:18 Yeah, but you weren't, my angel. You weren't.
00:11:12:20 00:11:15:16 You know, the system failed you,
just like it failed me.
00:11:15:18 00:11:18:20 Oh, God. What are we going to do now?
00:11:21:07 00:11:24:03 Well, I've got a bloody good mind
to kill you, to be honest.
00:11:24:05 00:11:27:02 Yeah, well, that would teach the social services
a lesson, wouldn't it?
00:11:27:04 00:11:29:11 I'd like to see them talk their way
out of three dead bodies.
00:11:29:13 00:11:32:08 -Well, I'd rather you didn't.
-Well, I'd rather I didn't,
00:11:32:10 00:11:35:22 Jennifer, but what about my hand?
What is making my hand do these things, hmm?
00:11:35:24 00:11:37:11 -The system.
-The system, exactly.
00:11:37:13 00:11:38:14 (DOORBELL RINGING)
00:11:38:16 00:11:41:14 You know, these people
with their cosy little offices,
00:11:41:16 00:11:44:04 and their fat bloody salaries, sitting there
00:11:44:06 00:11:46:01 while your parents, Jennifer,
00:11:46:03 00:11:49:12 you know, good people, kind people,
are being slaughtered.
00:11:49:14 00:11:51:21 I mean, what is this country coming to?
00:11:51:23 00:11:53:05 -Mr Hammond?
-Yes.
00:11:53:07 00:11:55:04 Derek Broom, social services.
00:11:55:06 00:11:58:24 Oh, well, hurrah for the bloody cavalry.
I hope you're satisfied.
00:11:59:01 00:12:00:23 -I'm sorry.
-Leonard's killed my parents.
00:12:01:00 00:12:02:22 He's stabbed them with a knife.
00:12:03:05 00:12:04:24 (TUTTING) Oh, damn.
00:12:05:14 00:12:08:14 Yes, well, quite funny, but only quite.
00:12:09:06 00:12:11:03 LAURIE: Oh, thanks very much.
00:12:11:05 00:12:14:25 But what can you do about it?
Well, until recently, nothing.
00:12:15:10 00:12:18:09 But, ladies, and, in a broader sense, gentlemen,
00:12:18:11 00:12:22:24 my colleague and I, concerned as ever
with providing a higher and higher comic service
00:12:23:01 00:12:27:11 here at A Bit of Fry and Laurie
have decided to institute a charter.
00:12:28:05 00:12:32:04 The charter, or ''charter,''
00:12:32:06 00:12:35:23 that we're proposing contains a raft of key points,
00:12:36:00 00:12:40:04 and a key basket of top proposals
to ensure that you, the viewer...
00:12:40:06 00:12:43:10 -The man on the Clapham omnibus, if you like.
-Yes.
00:12:43:15 00:12:46:05 Yes, well, the man who would've been
on the Clapham omnibus,
00:12:46:07 00:12:48:22 but discovered, after waiting for two hours,
that it's been cancelled
00:12:48:24 00:12:50:21 and replaced by a bright yellow Transit van
00:12:50:23 00:12:55:04 called a Shopper Hopper flopper...
00:12:55:06 00:12:56:19 that only runs at peak times...
00:12:56:21 00:12:58:09 Whatever the bleeding hell they are.
00:12:58:11 00:13:00:15 ...to ensure that you have the right,
00:13:00:17 00:13:05:15 the muscle, the arse-widening power,
to make a difference.
00:13:06:01 00:13:09:01 Now, there are two main prongs.
00:13:09:03 00:13:13:10 By which we mean
two main sticky-out bits at the end.
00:13:14:10 00:13:16:12 -There is delivery.
-And there is quality.
00:13:16:14 00:13:19:10 Any joke which fails to come up to
the standard that you'd expect
00:13:19:12 00:13:22:23 from A Bit of Fry and Laurie
00:13:23:00 00:13:24:24 can be reported to the charter commission,
00:13:25:01 00:13:28:11 where it will be inspected
by a key team of top experts,
00:13:28:13 00:13:31:23 who will then pass it
on to a top team of key experts.
00:13:32:06 00:13:37:24 And they will award, in a very grown-up way,
charter marks.
00:13:38:05 00:13:41:20 And if the joke
and your complaint about it is upheld,
00:13:41:22 00:13:44:20 then that joke will be humanely destroyed.
00:13:44:22 00:13:48:22 Which brings us
to our other sticky-out bit, delivery.
00:13:49:12 00:13:51:23 Prong two: delivery.
00:13:52:00 00:13:56:24 In a modern society,
jokes must be delivered on time.
00:13:57:04 00:14:02:02 If you experience any delivery
where the timing is too...
00:14:02:22 00:14:04:01 Slow?
00:14:04:22 00:14:07:04 -Or if the timing should be...
-Quick.
00:14:08:05 00:14:10:14 Or if the joke never even...
00:14:10:19 00:14:14:12 Then the commission will be only
too happy to look into it.
00:14:14:21 00:14:18:04 -The comedy charter, peace of mind.
-Audience power.
00:14:18:06 00:14:21:08 Your guarantee of satisfaction and delivery.
00:14:21:10 00:14:22:18 Without dripping.
00:14:24:17 00:14:27:16 Oh, now, how did that poem go? Um...
00:14:29:21 00:14:32:15 ''They bring you up, your mum and dad''
00:14:36:11 00:14:40:21 ''Crate, a normal nighman
Hane a freethy stipe
00:14:41:09 00:14:46:03 ''You veen where musse is Simon Critch
Botty trees a wipe''
00:14:48:02 00:14:52:02 I first wrote the poem,
from which that verse was an extract,
00:14:52:05 00:14:54:15 when my grandfather was murdered.
00:14:55:14 00:14:58:09 I wrote it again in 1 978,
00:14:58:11 00:15:01:04 after hearing of the death of rock music.
00:15:01:19 00:15:06:12 I'd like, with your kind indulgence,
to write it once more.
00:15:07:09 00:15:08:17 Thank you.
00:15:14:24 00:15:17:17 We see things, we hear things,
00:15:18:05 00:15:21:06 we touch things, we taste things.
00:15:22:14 00:15:25:12 But never forget that we also smell.
00:15:29:17 00:15:31:17 John, my spies tell me...
00:15:31:19 00:15:34:21 I should point out here
that when I say spies, of course,
00:15:34:23 00:15:38:16 I don't mean spies in the sense
of people with hidden cameras or false bottoms.
00:15:38:18 00:15:42:06 I'm talking about spies
in the sense of people who tell me things.
00:15:42:08 00:15:45:11 My spies, in that sense,
tell me that in your spare time,
00:15:45:13 00:15:48:14 you are Vice Professor of Smell
at De Montfort University.
00:15:49:12 00:15:51:21 Reserve your seat of learning now.
00:15:54:11 00:15:58:01 John, do you think we've forgotten smell?
00:15:58:20 00:16:00:15 Do I think we've forgotten smell?
00:16:00:17 00:16:03:14 I think we neglect smell.
00:16:03:16 00:16:06:00 I think that smell is the one sense
that got left behind
00:16:06:02 00:16:08:23 in the mad rush for profit and cheap housing.
00:16:09:19 00:16:13:02 -Can you give me any examples?
-Of what?
00:16:13:16 00:16:18:01 Well, um, examples of the things you say...
When I say that, I stress the word ''you.''
00:16:18:03 00:16:20:21 The things you say that we're missing out on.
00:16:20:23 00:16:24:20 Yes, and have a go at this
and tell me what you think.
00:16:27:07 00:16:29:03 Oh, God, what is that?
00:16:29:13 00:16:32:24 That's revolting. What is it?
00:16:33:01 00:16:37:11 Now, that is Michael Portillo getting out
of a Rover 200
00:16:39:00 00:16:40:21 after quite a long journey.
00:16:41:10 00:16:42:24 How on earth did you get hold of that?
00:16:43:01 00:16:44:09 Everybody asks me that.
00:16:44:11 00:16:46:09 -Let's try this one.
-Oh, that.
00:16:47:02 00:16:49:19 Oh, actually, I know this.
00:16:49:21 00:16:52:09 -(CHUCKLING) Well, you ought to.
-Oh, ah, what is it?
00:16:52:11 00:16:54:06 Well, you... You have a guess.
00:16:54:14 00:16:57:01 -Ah... No, no, tell me.
-Go on, go on. Go on.
00:16:57:11 00:17:02:07 Is... Ah! Is it, um... Is it the lavatories
at Earl's Court during the Royal Tournament?
00:17:03:15 00:17:06:21 No, but I can see
the way your mind's working. No.
00:17:07:23 00:17:09:25 In fact, that's your right knee.
00:17:10:13 00:17:11:16 Is it?
00:17:14:07 00:17:15:18 Good Lord, so it is.
00:17:16:09 00:17:19:21 -There you are, you see?
-(STAMMERING) And you say, you say
00:17:20:13 00:17:22:03 that a lot of people are missing out on this.
00:17:22:05 00:17:25:00 I say that. I say that. And I think that's a shame.
00:17:25:02 00:17:27:20 So do I, and so does Dodger.
00:17:29:04 00:17:31:24 Dodger's grown up a little now, as you can see.
00:17:32:01 00:17:34:06 He's had his jabs
and he's become very much a friend
00:17:34:08 00:17:36:16 of all the staff here at A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
00:17:36:18 00:17:37:23 Gordon.
00:17:38:00 00:17:39:24 (FOLK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
00:17:59:00 00:18:02:02 # When the poor keep getting hungrier
00:18:02:06 00:18:04:22 # And the rich keep getting fat
00:18:06:10 00:18:10:19 # Politicians change
but they're never gonna change that
00:18:12:12 00:18:14:10 # But you and me girl
00:18:14:12 00:18:17:06 # We got the answer right in our hands
00:18:18:16 00:18:21:04 # All we got to do is
00:18:22:04 00:18:23:14 (MUMBLING)
00:18:30:02 00:18:32:23 # When the winds of war are blowing
00:18:33:07 00:18:35:18 # And the tide is coming in
00:18:37:01 00:18:39:06 # Don't you be hoping for the good times
00:18:39:08 00:18:42:01 # Because the good times have already been
00:18:43:00 00:18:45:19 # But girl we got the answer
00:18:45:21 00:18:48:10 # So easy you won't believe
00:18:49:22 00:18:52:14 # All we got to do is
00:18:53:15 00:18:55:12 (MUMBLING)
00:18:56:10 00:18:59:17 # It's so easy to see
00:19:02:13 00:19:06:03 # If only they'd listen to you and me
00:19:07:09 00:19:09:06 # We got to
00:19:09:08 00:19:10:13 (HUMMING)
00:19:10:15 00:19:12:24 # Since we can
00:19:13:17 00:19:15:20 # We got to
00:19:15:23 00:19:16:23 (MUMBLING)
00:19:17:00 00:19:18:22 # Woman every man
00:19:19:24 00:19:21:20 # We got to
00:19:22:02 00:19:23:03 (QUIET MUMBLING)
00:19:23:05 00:19:25:09 # Time after time
00:19:26:07 00:19:27:22 # We got to
00:19:29:00 00:19:31:05 # Caroline #
00:19:56:05 00:19:58:11 (WOMAN SPEAKING ON TV)
00:20:00:14 00:20:03:01 MAN: Can't find that channel changer?
Where did I put it last?
00:20:03:03 00:20:06:09 Is this always happening to you?
Sometimes, actually, you have to get up to find it?
00:20:06:11 00:20:08:20 All those channels available
in authentic cinema sound,
00:20:08:22 00:20:12:10 plus laser discs, CDI, Game Gear, video,
satellite, home shopping,
00:20:12:12 00:20:14:15 but no use without a channel changer.
00:20:14:17 00:20:16:11 But who wants to get up and find it?
00:20:16:13 00:20:19:01 Now there's the amazing Wristchanger.
00:20:19:24 00:20:22:11 Available in a choice
of one arresting colours and fabrics,
00:20:22:13 00:20:26:09 the Wristchanger simply locks onto your wrist,
and need never be lost again.
00:20:26:11 00:20:29:21 No more digging behind sofas,
no more unnecessary and unpleasant standing up.
00:20:29:23 00:20:34:04 Change channels with maximum comfort
to all muscle groups. But that isn't all.
00:20:34:06 00:20:36:05 As an introductory offer to the Wristchanger,
00:20:36:07 00:20:39:10 we're offering two more items
designed to enhance viewer comfort.
00:20:39:12 00:20:40:19 You know that feeling.
00:20:40:21 00:20:43:05 You're settled into your favourite American
wrestling programme,
00:20:43:07 00:20:45:17 and suddenly, ''Ow!''Nature calls.
00:20:45:19 00:20:48:12 Well, now you can say goodbye to old milk bottles,
00:20:48:14 00:20:51:00 or the more distressing effort associated
with standing up.
00:20:51:02 00:20:52:23 Introducing Comfipee.
00:20:53:15 00:20:56:19 Plumbed into your home,
Comfipee allows you to expel those wastes
00:20:56:21 00:20:59:02 that build up in the bladder
after a hard afternoon's drinking
00:20:59:04 00:21:01:09 of your favourite diet cola or isotonic drink,
00:21:01:11 00:21:05:10 because, sure, fitness is important,
without having to leave the action.
00:21:05:12 00:21:06:18 But it doesn't stop there
00:21:06:20 00:21:10:19 because Comfipee comes
with a completely free companion, Comfipoo.
00:21:11:23 00:21:14:14 You know what those pizzas turn into
inside your tummy.
00:21:14:16 00:21:17:13 Before, you used to have to get up
to do something about it. No longer.
00:21:17:15 00:21:19:13 Comfipoo to the rescue.
00:21:20:22 00:21:23:18 Comfipoo's built-in wiper,
moist wipe and tank module
00:21:23:20 00:21:25:17 gives you total freshness.
00:21:25:23 00:21:29:16 From cradle to grave,
a world of entertainment,just for you.
00:21:50:03 00:21:54:08 (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
It's over. It's all over, just end it.
00:21:55:01 00:21:58:17 The whole bloody thing's gone and finished with.
00:21:58:20 00:22:01:13 Let's face it,
the world will be a better place without me.
00:22:01:15 00:22:03:25 Oh, I wish I'd never been born.
00:22:04:08 00:22:05:25 Oh, Jesus.
00:22:10:08 00:22:12:08 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Don't do it, son.
00:22:16:08 00:22:17:15 Oh, my.
00:22:22:10 00:22:25:10 Who, what, which, where, how many?
Did I ever? What?
00:22:25:12 00:22:27:20 There, there, take it easy.
00:22:28:01 00:22:30:15 I should be dead. How the hell did I...
00:22:31:04 00:22:36:04 -Who are you?
-Me? Oh, Clarence Cosy, angel, second class.
00:22:36:08 00:22:38:19 -You are Rupert.
-How did you know that?
00:22:38:23 00:22:40:09 (SIGHING)
00:22:42:13 00:22:45:25 Well, I've granted your wish.
00:22:46:02 00:22:47:24 You've never been born.
00:22:48:08 00:22:50:04 Jigs, that's all I need.
00:22:52:06 00:22:55:03 -Well, shag me twice.
-What's that?
00:22:55:05 00:22:57:00 Water must have healed my cut.
00:22:57:02 00:23:01:12 What cut? There was never any cut,
because you were never born.
00:23:01:14 00:23:04:13 Look, angel,
just fly away for Christ's sake, will you?
00:23:04:15 00:23:07:20 Oh, I can't do that. I haven't got my wings yet.
00:23:07:22 00:23:08:22 (EXCLAIMS)
00:23:09:12 00:23:11:11 I'm getting out of here.
00:23:15:09 00:23:20:02 Oh, jigs. That's all I need.
Some cock-wit's stolen my sodding car.
00:23:20:04 00:23:22:20 You don't have a car, Rupert.
You haven't been born.
00:23:22:22 00:23:26:17 Look, I don't know who you are, or under what law
you've been released into the community,
00:23:26:19 00:23:28:08 but just frig off, will you?
00:23:28:10 00:23:30:17 Angels don't frig, Rupert.
We don't have the training.
00:23:30:19 00:23:33:25 Listen, Tiny Tim, get this.
I own the largest conglomerate
00:23:34:02 00:23:36:18 of newspaper and satellite television companies
in the world.
00:23:36:20 00:23:41:03 I've got slightly better things to be doing than
standing here talking to a chocolate cake like you.
00:23:41:05 00:23:43:20 Don't you understand, Rupert?
I'm your guardian angel.
00:23:43:22 00:23:47:05 I'm gonna show you what this town would've
been like if you'd never been born.
00:23:47:07 00:23:49:21 That way you'll realise
your life is worth living after all,
00:23:49:23 00:23:54:01 the countless differences you've made
to people's lives, the joy you've spread.
00:23:54:03 00:23:56:19 I'm going home. Where's a bloody minicab?
00:23:58:16 00:24:01:14 -CAB DRIVER: Where to, Governor?
-Wapping. Wait a second.
00:24:01:16 00:24:03:19 See the difference you've made?
00:24:15:15 00:24:18:10 LAURIE: Wait a second.
Where the arse are all the satellite dishes?
00:24:18:12 00:24:21:12 -There aren't any satellite dishes.
-What do you mean?
00:24:21:19 00:24:24:14 I keep telling you, you haven't been born yet.
00:24:24:16 00:24:26:09 Mind how you go, gents.
00:24:27:00 00:24:28:04 Thank you.
00:24:28:06 00:24:30:08 People don't have satellite TV.
00:24:30:10 00:24:33:14 They don't have the chance to watch
World Wrestling and Wheel of Fortune
00:24:33:16 00:24:36:02 and Video Bloopers 24 hours a day.
00:24:36:07 00:24:39:07 They're still forced to watch the old BBC and ITV,
00:24:39:09 00:24:42:12 with all that drama and sports
and news programmes.
00:24:42:14 00:24:44:15 -You did away with all that.
-I did?
00:24:44:17 00:24:46:16 Mmm-hmm, swept it all away.
00:24:46:18 00:24:48:16 You pretended it was to give people more choice,
00:24:48:18 00:24:52:02 but actually it was just
to make you fabulously rich.
00:24:52:11 00:24:54:02 Come on, let's go inside.
00:24:54:09 00:24:56:08 (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
00:25:02:01 00:25:04:07 LAURIE: Whoa, wait a minute.
Not my kind of place.
00:25:04:09 00:25:06:00 FRY: Well, why not?
00:25:06:02 00:25:08:10 Well, you know, a lot of minorities.
00:25:08:12 00:25:10:18 Don't you like minorities?
00:25:10:20 00:25:14:22 Well, I don't mind them but, you know,
they're not gonna like me very much.
00:25:14:24 00:25:17:19 No, no, no, I keep telling you,
because you haven't been born,
00:25:17:21 00:25:21:03 the newspapers you would have owned
haven't been able to teach everybody
00:25:21:05 00:25:25:10 to sneer at their neighbours
because they're foreign or different or left-wing.
00:25:25:12 00:25:28:16 People have ended up liking each other,
and liking this country.
00:25:28:18 00:25:30:22 Heck, they might even like you.
00:25:31:00 00:25:34:03 Now, two very nice drinks, please.
00:25:34:05 00:25:37:11 Jesus, mothering arse.
Where the hell are all the tits?
00:25:37:13 00:25:39:23 They're right in front of women's chests.
00:25:40:00 00:25:42:22 I guess the editor didn't think
that was much of a news story.
00:25:42:24 00:25:46:14 -Gotta have tits to sell a paper.
-Well, apparently not.
00:25:46:18 00:25:49:24 Without your newspapers debasing
people's view of the world
00:25:50:01 00:25:51:22 with every sentence they produce,
00:25:51:24 00:25:54:11 people have turned out to be interested
in all kinds of other things.
00:25:54:13 00:25:56:00 Strange, isn't it?
00:25:57:20 00:26:00:01 -Here, I'll get these.
-Thank you.
00:26:00:24 00:26:03:08 Well, suck my arse. Who the hell is that?
00:26:03:14 00:26:06:10 That's the Queen. They still have one, you see.
00:26:06:16 00:26:09:23 PATRONS: # Silent night
00:26:10:05 00:26:13:07 # Holy night #
00:26:13:11 00:26:15:15 Get me the cock out of here.
00:26:19:13 00:26:23:22 -Well?
-It's brilliant. Totally bloody brilliant.
00:26:23:24 00:26:28:13 Big red buses, free hospitals,
an amusing royal family,
00:26:29:00 00:26:32:04 proper taxis, decent newspapers,
best television in the world,
00:26:32:06 00:26:34:05 people actually getting on with each other.
00:26:34:07 00:26:37:09 -You like it? You really like it?
-It's fantastic, it's paradise.
00:26:37:11 00:26:39:15 Oh, help me, Clarence. I wanna live again.
00:26:39:17 00:26:42:03 Well, this is marvellous news, Rupert.
00:26:42:07 00:26:45:06 Just think of the money I could make
in a world like this.
00:26:45:08 00:26:48:18 I could introduce big tits,
break up the broadcasting monopolies,
00:26:48:20 00:26:51:18 destroy The Times, the BBC, the royal family.
00:26:51:24 00:26:54:16 I could make an absolute bloody fortune.
00:27:03:21 00:27:05:04 Twat.
00:27:06:17 00:27:07:17 (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO)
00:27:07:19 00:27:10:20 Well, once more,
old Father Time has raised his sickle,
00:27:10:22 00:27:13:13 and mown us ruthlessly down without stopping.
00:27:13:15 00:27:17:20 We've come now to the end of this edition
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
00:27:17:24 00:27:21:18 My colleague, thoughts, views, visions,
a summary, if you please.
00:27:21:20 00:27:24:22 -Well, Stephen, it's been a...
-Oh, no, no, no. Not out loud.
00:27:25:23 00:27:28:03 -Right. I'm so very...
-I know.
00:27:28:10 00:27:30:04 I know, I know.
00:27:30:09 00:27:34:15 My guests, have you... Have you chosen
tonight's cocktail? What's it to be?
00:27:34:17 00:27:39:05 -Oh, a golden meteorite, I think, Stephen.
-Yes, please. A golden meteorite.
00:27:39:07 00:27:41:07 A golden meteorite.
00:27:41:11 00:27:44:15 Well, now, for a golden meteorite you will need
00:27:44:18 00:27:48:10 one shot gin, one shot vodka,
00:27:49:09 00:27:52:09 one shot of this highball tumbler, close up,
00:27:54:08 00:27:58:02 one shot of straight Kentucky sour mash
sipping whisky,
00:27:59:07 00:28:00:19 a zeal of ice,
00:28:01:22 00:28:05:05 a priest of lemon, a slug of milk,
00:28:07:02 00:28:09:06 two-and-a-half litres of air,
00:28:11:24 00:28:14:03 and a finger of slug shot.
00:28:15:15 00:28:20:14 We will also need some warm, warm,
warm, warm, warm, warmest music,
00:28:20:22 00:28:23:20 which is achieved by my saying these words,
00:28:23:22 00:28:26:16 please, Mr Music, will you play?
00:28:48:12 00:28:50:18 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:29:19:06 00:29:20:18 Soupy twist.