00:00:01:07 00:00:02:21 LAURIE: Extraordinary!
00:00:03:02 00:00:04:11 Absolutely extraordinary.
00:00:04:13 00:00:08:11 I would say that our house
would've been round about here.
00:00:09:04 00:00:11:10 And therefore, the front door
would've been over there,
00:00:11:12 00:00:13:07 just where that branch of Safeway's is.
00:00:13:09 00:00:15:18 And of course, all this would've been our garden.
00:00:15:20 00:00:17:23 And, uh, yes, I can remember
00:00:18:12 00:00:20:11 the day that my dog, Hamper, died,
00:00:20:13 00:00:23:25 a Border collie with the loveliest laugh.
It really was the saddest day of my life.
00:00:24:02 00:00:27:21 I remember my father insisting that
he actually was dead. I could hardly believe it.
00:00:27:24 00:00:29:08 Harsh lesson.
00:00:29:24 00:00:31:06 Learnt young.
00:00:31:20 00:00:34:12 Anyway, part of the process of grieving,
of course, is burial,
00:00:34:14 00:00:38:22 so I would have buried Hamper, I suppose,
round about here, in fact. Yes.
00:00:39:17 00:00:43:04 Hello! So much for 1 990s build quality, eh?
00:00:43:23 00:00:45:05 Good Lord!
00:00:47:17 00:00:49:01 It's you!
00:00:52:05 00:00:53:14 (SINGING)
00:00:54:22 00:00:57:22 FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.
00:00:58:19 00:01:00:02 LAURIE: A bit.
00:01:00:04 00:01:02:22 FRY: Between fact and breakfast,
00:01:03:15 00:01:08:05 madness lies, lies, lies...
00:01:08:13 00:01:09:20 LAURIE: A bit.
00:01:09:22 00:01:13:05 FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet...
00:01:14:00 00:01:15:11 I hate you...
00:01:15:13 00:01:16:17 (FRY SOBBING)
00:01:16:19 00:01:20:12 As love, rage and aches of the ear.
00:01:25:15 00:01:28:20 Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
00:01:40:14 00:01:42:13 Hello. Good evening.
00:01:42:19 00:01:46:13 Welcome to another evening
of light comedy, heavy sarcasm,
00:01:46:16 00:01:49:10 medium-weight conversation,
and good, rocking sex.
00:01:49:12 00:01:50:12 Mmm.
00:01:50:14 00:01:54:09 For the next half-an-hour or so,
you're going to be in our hands,
00:01:54:11 00:01:57:15 but we'd like to think of you
as being in our arms, too.
00:01:57:18 00:02:02:09 That's right. Snuggled up in your cosy homes,
curtains drawn against the night.
00:02:02:11 00:02:05:17 Cup of low-calorie, chocolate-style fluid
by your side.
00:02:05:21 00:02:08:23 Your fingers toying with the hair
of your best-beloved in your lap.
00:02:09:00 00:02:10:14 Or perhaps you're...
00:02:12:16 00:02:14:19 just in some hotel,
00:02:15:01 00:02:18:09 with nothing but a paper bag and a prostitute
for company.
00:02:19:05 00:02:23:08 Or perhaps you're, as I often like to,
you're just standing naked
00:02:23:10 00:02:28:14 in front of the mirror, with nothing but a radish
and a whole world of possibilities open to you.
00:02:29:17 00:02:30:18 Hmm.
00:02:31:09 00:02:36:20 But whatever your height, age, weight, sex,
racial preference, knee colouring, or cock length,
00:02:36:24 00:02:39:01 some of you may be wondering
00:02:39:03 00:02:42:11 how my colleague came by this bandage
upon his head.
00:02:42:13 00:02:44:24 It's very simple. A nurse put it on.
00:02:45:13 00:02:48:01 What my colleague is trying to say,
if he had but the words,
00:02:48:03 00:02:52:05 is that this afternoon he sustained an accident
to his head.
00:02:52:16 00:02:56:24 Vince, run that tape,
if you'd be so careful to do exactly as you're told.
00:02:57:15 00:03:02:09 I hereby declare this second episode of
A Bit of Fry and Laurie open.
00:03:02:11 00:03:04:06 (DRUM ROLL)
00:03:04:12 00:03:06:10 (FANFARE)
00:03:10:09 00:03:11:16 WOMAN: My God. Sorry.
00:03:12:08 00:03:13:23 Um...
00:03:15:21 00:03:18:08 Hugh. Hugh, me old Chinese meal,
00:03:18:15 00:03:20:07 I must ask you this.
00:03:20:20 00:03:23:21 Have you sustained any loss of memory
as a result of that accident?
00:03:23:23 00:03:27:02 And I think it only fair to warn you
that if you say, ''What accident?''
00:03:27:04 00:03:29:08 I shall squirt lemon juice into you.
00:03:29:12 00:03:32:20 -None whatever, which is a blessing.
-Oh, that is good news.
00:03:33:02 00:03:35:02 I have lost my memory, though.
00:03:35:14 00:03:37:06 BOTH: D'oh!
00:03:39:04 00:03:41:15 Can't seem to find a flush, or a handle.
00:03:42:23 00:03:43:23 Anybody know?
00:03:54:01 00:03:55:13 Now, there.
00:03:56:15 00:03:59:04 That is putting coppers back on the beat.
00:04:00:10 00:04:04:22 I think this idea of lowering the age
of home secretaries is ridiculous.
00:04:08:06 00:04:10:05 You know that cling film,
00:04:10:13 00:04:13:09 that polythene stuff you put over food?
00:04:15:07 00:04:16:24 I love that stuff.
00:04:18:03 00:04:19:18 I do. I love it.
00:04:20:08 00:04:21:18 (MOANS)
00:04:23:22 00:04:25:15 I'm thinking about it now.
00:04:26:17 00:04:29:25 I had that transport minister
in the back of the cab the other day,
00:04:30:02 00:04:32:14 and it took us an hour and a half
just to get down the Embankment.
00:04:32:16 00:04:36:04 And he tapped the window, this one behind me,
that window there, that very one.
00:04:36:06 00:04:40:17 He tapped it. He said,
''Oh, cabbie'', he said, ''Why is it taking so long?''
00:04:41:13 00:04:45:01 I said, ''It's taking so long, you dozy turd,
00:04:45:13 00:04:50:01 ''it's taking so long because you have let
the public transport service
00:04:50:03 00:04:53:14 ''of this country run into the ground.
They've become a standing joke.''
00:04:53:16 00:04:55:14 ''It's taking so long,'' I said,
00:04:55:16 00:05:00:16 ''because you are a cast-iron,
hundred-carat, natural-fibred git!
00:05:00:18 00:05:05:01 ''Now, get out and walk, before I come round
the back and give you a good hiding.''
00:05:05:11 00:05:09:12 Well, I didn't actually say that,
but I should have done. I should have done.
00:05:09:21 00:05:14:04 I wrote to my MP a couple of weeks ago.
I said, ''Dear dickhead, you're a wanker.''
00:05:15:19 00:05:17:16 I haven't heard back yet.
00:05:19:18 00:05:22:18 Now then, I've got a doll here.
00:05:22:21 00:05:25:14 Can you show me what it was that he used to do?
00:05:25:17 00:05:27:12 He didn't use a doll.
00:05:28:10 00:05:30:10 No, no, no, I mean,
00:05:31:03 00:05:34:03 I mean, pretend that the doll is you,
and then show me what it was...
00:05:34:05 00:05:39:09 Right, well, he would take my hand, like that,
and he'd move it up and down a few times.
00:05:42:09 00:05:46:07 Did he threaten you at all, did he make you
promise to keep this little secret of yours?
00:05:46:09 00:05:47:15 No.
00:05:47:21 00:05:51:07 -You don't remember?
-No, I do remember. He didn't threaten me.
00:05:52:00 00:05:55:15 Huh. Well, let's just say that
you don't remember not remembering.
00:05:55:17 00:06:00:02 No, I do remember remembering, because
I remember thinking, ''I must remember this. ''
00:06:01:13 00:06:03:14 -You're in denial.
-I'm sorry?
00:06:03:19 00:06:07:15 ''Denial''is what we call
the state you're currently in.
00:06:08:03 00:06:10:19 But denial, as everyone knows, is in Egypt.
00:06:14:00 00:06:18:02 Well, it's time now, ladies and gentlemen,
to introduce some guests onto the show.
00:06:18:04 00:06:21:08 And first up is
the thoughtless man's thinking man,
00:06:21:10 00:06:23:22 the serene love kitten of the caring set,
00:06:23:24 00:06:27:07 the DayGlo volunteer
of international masturbation.
00:06:27:14 00:06:30:01 He's the boy they said would never grow up,
00:06:30:03 00:06:32:17 the best damn lettuce in the whole salad bowl.
00:06:32:19 00:06:36:24 Let's meet, let's greet,
let's something rhyming with ''eat'',
00:06:37:03 00:06:40:14 actor, book farmer and excremental narcissist,
00:06:40:16 00:06:42:05 Kevin McNally.
00:06:42:07 00:06:44:03 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
00:06:50:16 00:06:52:00 (SIGHS)
00:06:52:02 00:06:53:04 Kevin.
00:06:53:06 00:06:56:11 -Hello.
-Well put, well put.
00:06:56:16 00:07:00:01 Kevin, they tell me
that you're something of an impressionist.
00:07:00:03 00:07:03:22 Are they right to tell me that,
or should I have them taken out and shot?
00:07:03:24 00:07:06:06 Uh, well, you know, Modesty Blaise.
00:07:06:08 00:07:09:01 -Well, the floor is yours, Kevin.
-Well, thank you, Stephen.
00:07:09:03 00:07:10:03 (FRY CHUCKLING)
00:07:11:04 00:07:13:19 -(SCOFFING) ''Denial is in Egypt.''
-Yes, all right.
00:07:16:05 00:07:19:21 # She packed my bags last night pre-flight
00:07:23:09 00:07:25:24 # Zero hour 9am #
00:07:26:01 00:07:28:15 -Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
-What?
00:07:28:17 00:07:30:01 -Impressionist?
-Impressionist?
00:07:30:03 00:07:33:05 -He's nothing like Manet, or Renoir, or...
-Monet?
00:07:33:07 00:07:35:11 -It's pathetic.
-You're way off, mate.
00:07:35:13 00:07:38:05 Oh, no. That was... Sounded more like Elton John
than anything else.
00:07:38:08 00:07:39:08 LAURIE: Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
00:07:39:10 00:07:41:09 You're in disgrace. Come and sit down.
00:07:41:11 00:07:43:19 Hugh, who have you got lying under your tree?
00:07:43:21 00:07:46:16 Well, you know, Stephen,
there are many people who can act,
00:07:46:18 00:07:51:00 many who can sing, many who can dance,
many who can make you laugh,
00:07:51:02 00:07:54:13 many who can play the kitchen, knit,
drive to Formula 3 standard,
00:07:54:15 00:07:58:15 achieve a grandmaster norm at chess,
fart, and spell the word moccasins.
00:07:58:17 00:08:02:04 But my following guest is one of that rare breed
00:08:02:06 00:08:07:00 who can do none of these things, and less.
She is quite simply quite simple.
00:08:07:08 00:08:10:05 Her hair is her own,
and her shoe size never a disappointment.
00:08:10:07 00:08:12:16 -Will you please welcome Fiona Gillies.
-FRY: Oh, it isn't.
00:08:12:18 00:08:14:02 LAURIE: It is.
FRY: Oh, I never...
00:08:18:06 00:08:19:07 Fiona, welcome. Welcome.
00:08:19:09 00:08:22:10 -Okay. Did you not know I'm here?
-FRY: I can't believe this. I can't believe it.
00:08:24:04 00:08:25:11 (FRY SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)
00:08:25:13 00:08:27:18 -No don't... Don't sit there! Don't sit there.
-Sorry, sorry.
00:08:27:20 00:08:29:14 It's a sort of a Bermuda Triangle, just there.
00:08:29:16 00:08:32:17 We had a couple of guests sit there last week,
and they just completely vanished.
00:08:32:19 00:08:33:21 -No.
-Yeah.
00:08:33:23 00:08:36:01 -LAURIE: What? What? What?
-Tell her about the frigates.
00:08:36:03 00:08:39:16 The frigates. Yeah, that's right. We had
two Royal Navy frigates, and a rotring pen
00:08:39:18 00:08:41:21 also vanish from that precise spot. Yeah.
00:08:41:23 00:08:43:20 Though we did find one
of the frigates later, though.
00:08:43:22 00:08:45:18 We did, yes.
It had slipped down the back of the sofa.
00:08:45:20 00:08:49:11 So now, Fiona, we asked you to tell us
about your favourite TV blooper,
00:08:49:13 00:08:51:14 or TV cock-up. Uh, which is it to be?
00:08:51:16 00:08:54:18 Well, it's one I actually saw, actually.
00:08:54:20 00:08:56:03 -Ooh, ooh.
-What, what?
00:08:56:05 00:08:57:08 Two actuallies.
00:08:57:10 00:09:00:13 Oh, Fiona, my colleague informs me
that you just used two actuallies.
00:09:00:15 00:09:04:22 (CLEARING THROAT) Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, it's a clip I actually saw, in fact.
00:09:04:24 00:09:07:05 I was shooting Anna Karenina in York...
00:09:07:07 00:09:10:09 Can I stop you there? Can I stop you there?
00:09:10:11 00:09:13:06 When you say, ''Shooting Anna Karenina, ''
00:09:15:20 00:09:18:09 you don't actually mean filming, do you?
00:09:19:08 00:09:21:14 I mean blowing her brains out
with a 1 2-bore shotgun.
00:09:21:16 00:09:25:13 Right, yeah. I wouldn't want to give the viewers
the wrong impression there.
00:09:25:15 00:09:29:04 You know what it's like
when you're away from home in a strange hotel.
00:09:29:06 00:09:34:00 You stand there naked in front of the mirror
with a radish and a whole world of possibilities.
00:09:34:02 00:09:35:19 You watch the TV.
00:09:36:08 00:09:37:18 Yeah. Yes, yes, that's right.
00:09:37:20 00:09:40:05 -That's what I said, wasn't it?
-FIONA: Well,
00:09:40:07 00:09:42:23 there I was, watching the TV,
00:09:43:00 00:09:46:21 and this newsreader
had the most blissful coughing fit.
00:09:46:23 00:09:48:17 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona, I must stop you there,
00:09:48:19 00:09:51:04 because we've actually tracked
this clip down, this blooper,
00:09:51:06 00:09:56:00 and I believe that Mr Director up in the gallery
has got it laced up and ready to roll?
00:09:56:02 00:09:59:03 -Um, yes, I can confirm he has. He has.
-LAURIE: Oh, it's on? He's got it.
00:10:00:13 00:10:03:14 ANNOUNCER: The Local News at Ten Thirty Three
and a Bit.
00:10:04:01 00:10:05:07 Good evening.
00:10:05:09 00:10:06:20 The main story tonight...
00:10:07:02 00:10:08:16 (COUGHING)
00:10:11:17 00:10:12:23 I'm so...
00:10:18:13 00:10:19:24 I'm sorry...
00:10:21:18 00:10:23:18 Yes, uh, the main story tonight,
00:10:23:20 00:10:26:20 Ronald Satterthwaite of Skipton
announced that the oyster season...
00:10:26:22 00:10:28:06 (FRY RETCHING)
00:10:43:00 00:10:44:08 I don't...
00:10:45:01 00:10:47:18 And you, Fiona, you actually saw that, actually.
00:10:47:20 00:10:49:00 Did indeed, Stephen, yes.
00:10:49:02 00:10:51:13 Yes, I understand
that there was a happy ending to the story.
00:10:51:15 00:10:54:22 The newsreader was rushed to hospital
but was found to be dead on arrival.
00:10:54:24 00:10:57:21 ALL: Which is nice. Which is nice.
00:10:58:03 00:11:02:04 Now, Kevin, could I ask you to hand round the
Hula Hoops. There should be enough for one each.
00:11:02:06 00:11:05:10 And, uh, Fiona, would you be a love,
00:11:06:02 00:11:08:07 and scrub the back steps there?
00:11:08:09 00:11:12:14 There's a sort of yellowy-brown stain that
my colleague and I just haven't been able to shift.
00:11:12:16 00:11:14:07 LAURIE: All right? Thanks.
00:11:14:09 00:11:19:03 And, funnily enough, ''yellowy-brown stains''
links in rather neatly with our next item.
00:11:20:01 00:11:22:09 I walked into a shop the other day.
00:11:23:04 00:11:24:20 1 4 stitches.
00:11:27:21 00:11:30:11 (STUTTERING) You know, I mean,
they're always going about, ''Don't do it''
00:11:30:13 00:11:31:22 and, ''Say no'' and all that.
00:11:31:24 00:11:33:18 You know, and that... It's just full of shit, innit?
00:11:33:20 00:11:38:13 Because, you know, I mean, I don't do, you know,
smack or crack, or anything rhyming with ''ack,''
00:11:38:15 00:11:40:18 or, you know, any of the heavy shit.
You know, I do all the rest.
00:11:40:20 00:11:43:14 And, you know, I think
they should legalise it, really,
00:11:43:16 00:11:45:15 because, you know,
it don't do me any farm-weather pants,
00:11:45:17 00:11:49:08 or, you know, smiling cream...
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) or onion dealers, do it?
00:11:50:22 00:11:54:05 Yes, well, I'm a Capricorn
00:11:54:16 00:11:57:17 and my boyfriend's an alcoholic.
00:12:02:16 00:12:07:01 Hello, and welcome to English People
Appear to be the Most Ignorant in Europe.
00:12:07:03 00:12:10:18 This morning, I shall be asking questions
of our three likely contestants,
00:12:10:20 00:12:13:11 Dieter Schaummer,
who is a dental technician from Hamburg...
00:12:13:13 00:12:14:15 Hello.
00:12:14:17 00:12:18:03 ...Andrea Larsen,
who is a dental technician from Oslo...
00:12:18:05 00:12:19:06 Hi.
00:12:19:08 00:12:24:11 ...and finally, Colin Mint, who is a dental
technician from Tunbridge Wells in Kent.
00:12:24:13 00:12:26:02 (MUMBLING)
00:12:26:04 00:12:29:00 Right, well, let's go straight into the first round.
Dieter, your question.
00:12:29:02 00:12:33:17 Who am I? I am a female journalist who
came to fame in the 1 960s presenting Blue Peter.
00:12:33:19 00:12:36:15 -Valerie Singleton.
-Correct, Dieter. Andrea, your question.
00:12:36:17 00:12:40:06 Who am I? I am an Underground station
on London's Northern Line,
00:12:40:08 00:12:42:21 situated between Warren Street
and Tottenham Court Road.
00:12:42:23 00:12:44:13 -Goodge Street.
-Correct, Andrea.
00:12:44:15 00:12:46:06 Colin, your question. Are you ready?
00:12:46:08 00:12:47:08 Mmm.
00:12:47:19 00:12:49:18 (SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
00:12:57:13 00:12:59:10 Go on, Colin. Have a guess.
00:12:59:22 00:13:01:06 Um, Simon Mayo?
00:13:03:12 00:13:07:20 The answer I have on my card, Colin, I'm afraid,
is General Agreement on Tariff and Trade.
00:13:07:22 00:13:09:20 Never mind. Second round.
00:13:10:08 00:13:12:01 Have a look at this.
00:13:24:17 00:13:27:14 # She's got eyes like diamonds
00:13:27:21 00:13:29:24 # Hair like twisted gold
00:13:30:20 00:13:33:00 # When she looks up to me
00:13:33:19 00:13:35:25 # I feel my blood run cold
00:13:36:20 00:13:39:18 # No, I don't care if people laugh
00:13:40:16 00:13:42:06 # Ha ha
00:13:42:23 00:13:46:17 # I'm in love with Steffi Graf
00:13:48:22 00:13:51:14 # I watched her all last summer
00:13:51:24 00:13:53:23 # I watched her every day
00:13:55:02 00:13:57:17 # She knew that I was with her
00:13:58:00 00:14:00:08 # She didn't have to say
00:14:01:05 00:14:04:09 # She can run but she can't hide
00:14:06:24 00:14:11:04 # She knows I feel deep down inside
00:14:12:06 00:14:15:02 # That Steffi is an angel
00:14:15:06 00:14:20:04 # But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me
00:14:24:07 00:14:27:02 # She's extremely good at tennis
00:14:27:06 00:14:31:06 # On any kind of surface there might be
00:14:32:22 00:14:34:17 # Clay or grass
00:14:35:11 00:14:37:17 # She'll flay your ass
00:14:39:14 00:14:43:16 # When she hits that topspin second serve
00:14:45:08 00:14:50:03 # I think I know the meaning now of love
00:14:52:09 00:14:54:17 # East Bonn never was her favourite
00:14:55:09 00:14:57:15 # The outside courts were damp
00:14:58:09 00:15:01:00 # She had a hamstring problem
00:15:01:03 00:15:03:17 # And recurring muscle cramp
00:15:03:19 00:15:07:17 # But she dug deep and won it just the same
00:15:10:07 00:15:13:19 # My angel never lost a service game
00:15:16:05 00:15:19:00 # But now a shadow in the distance
00:15:19:13 00:15:21:10 # A girl with ponytail
00:15:22:07 00:15:24:19 # 1 6 and full of hunger
00:15:25:13 00:15:27:20 # The end of Steffi's trail
00:15:28:04 00:15:31:09 # I can't wait for her defeat
00:15:34:04 00:15:37:23 # I fetch a knife and take my seat
00:15:39:09 00:15:42:04 # 'Cause Steffi is a goddess
00:15:43:08 00:15:47:06 # My love for her, it knows no bounds
00:15:51:10 00:15:54:06 # I'd kill to make her happy
00:15:54:14 00:15:59:08 # Or just to get her through the early rounds
00:16:00:02 00:16:01:19 # Kill or maim
00:16:02:19 00:16:05:02 # It's just a game
00:16:06:22 00:16:11:03 # But if I had another life I'd choose
00:16:12:19 00:16:16:08 # To come back as one of Steffi's shoes
00:16:18:16 00:16:21:13 # 'Cause Steffi is an angel
00:16:21:17 00:16:25:24 # But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me #
00:16:28:16 00:16:30:01 (APPLAUSE)
00:16:37:02 00:16:38:11 Ready?
00:16:43:12 00:16:46:02 FRY: Welcome to The Lover's Helper.
00:16:46:04 00:16:48:20 In the course of this cassette tape,
00:16:48:22 00:16:53:15 I'll be telling you about a number of techniques
you can use to improve your love life,
00:16:53:17 00:16:56:24 bringing you and your partner closer than ever.
00:16:58:12 00:17:02:16 The first section of this course
deals with foreplay. In this...
00:17:02:18 00:17:04:13 (CASSETTE FAST-FORWARDING)
00:17:05:20 00:17:07:05 (CASSETTE REWINDING)
00:17:08:08 00:17:10:21 In this section,
I want to deal with some techniques
00:17:10:23 00:17:13:15 that can help you arouse your partner.
00:17:14:00 00:17:17:04 Start off by simply holding each other.
00:17:19:01 00:17:21:14 Now try stroking your partner.
00:17:24:14 00:17:28:00 The key thing to remember
at this point is relaxation.
00:17:28:17 00:17:29:18 (BOTH EXHALING)
00:17:29:20 00:17:31:24 If you're feeling very relaxed,
00:17:32:01 00:17:36:17 now might be a good time
for the man to touch the woman's breasts.
00:17:38:06 00:17:40:06 But remember to be gentle.
00:17:41:19 00:17:44:17 Touch them as gently as you can.
00:17:49:12 00:17:52:23 Try moving one of your hands
gently up and down.
00:17:56:04 00:17:57:23 Does that feel good?
00:18:00:07 00:18:02:17 Now it's the woman's turn.
00:18:02:22 00:18:05:02 Put your hands on his bottom.
00:18:10:24 00:18:13:21 Perhaps you might give his bottom a squeeze.
00:18:15:16 00:18:19:07 Now, during all of this,
I hope you'll have been kissing.
00:18:19:19 00:18:22:14 But kissing doesn't just have to be on the mouth.
00:18:22:19 00:18:26:19 Some people like to kiss their partners
all over their bodies.
00:18:29:21 00:18:32:08 Who knows, if things are going really well,
00:18:32:10 00:18:35:16 you might even end up
nibbling your partner's toes.
00:18:39:22 00:18:41:07 If it feels good,
00:18:41:09 00:18:45:01 this may be the right time
to start thinking about intercourse.
00:18:51:18 00:18:55:14 You know, there's been a lot of stuff
in the news recently about the rise of fascism.
00:18:55:16 00:18:58:14 It's the next big thing, they say.
But what exactly is fascism?
00:18:58:16 00:19:00:19 What kind of music do fascists listen to?
00:19:00:21 00:19:02:21 What do they wear? Are there clubs you can go to?
00:19:02:23 00:19:06:04 Well, now, Kevin, you're a bit
of an old fascist from way back.
00:19:06:06 00:19:07:21 Tell me, what's it all about?
00:19:07:23 00:19:11:04 Well, I suppose the first thing
that got me into fascism was the uniform.
00:19:11:06 00:19:14:07 Right, have you got your uniform with you at all?
00:19:15:10 00:19:18:02 -Well, I'm wearing it now.
-Oh, that's it, is it?
00:19:18:04 00:19:20:15 -Oh, I see. Yeah.
-Yeah, it's comfortable, it's hard-wearing,
00:19:20:17 00:19:22:25 and I just... I don't know,
I just think I look good in it.
00:19:23:02 00:19:25:18 You do, Kevin, you look absolutely fabulous, yeah.
00:19:25:20 00:19:29:13 If I was homosexual,
I'd want to buy you a drink at the very least.
00:19:29:15 00:19:32:21 Well, thanks.
If I was homosexual, I'd have a pint of lager.
00:19:32:24 00:19:34:19 -As it is, I like birds.
-Me too.
00:19:34:21 00:19:36:12 Right, now we've got...
00:19:37:08 00:19:39:14 We've got someone on the line. I think it's Anna.
00:19:39:16 00:19:40:23 Hello, Anna, are you there?
00:19:41:00 00:19:42:03 -ANNA: Hello?
-Anna, hi.
00:19:42:05 00:19:44:07 -Hello, Anna.
-What's your question for Kevin?
00:19:44:09 00:19:47:20 -Kevin, could you give my mum a wave?
-Certainly.
00:19:49:16 00:19:52:02 Yeah, what's your question for Kevin, Anna?
00:19:52:04 00:19:55:24 Kevin, what sort of music do you listen to?
00:19:56:01 00:19:58:13 Yeah, no, uh, that's quite a good question,
actually, Anna.
00:19:58:15 00:20:02:19 Yeah, Kevin, what is your bag, what's your thing,
what's your scene? What's your...
00:20:02:21 00:20:06:14 I suppose what Anna's really asking is,
what kind of music do you listen to?
00:20:06:16 00:20:10:22 Oh. Well, it's all sorts really, Anna. Uh, military
music, marching bands, and a lot of Wagner.
00:20:10:24 00:20:13:10 -Yeah, 'cause of course, Hitler liked all that stuff.
-Well, absolutely.
00:20:13:12 00:20:14:22 Yeah. Does that answer your question, Anna?
00:20:14:24 00:20:17:01 -Well...
-Yeah, cheers, love.
00:20:18:04 00:20:21:00 Now, for those of you watching at home,
it's worth pointing out
00:20:21:02 00:20:23:22 that Hitler was quite a big name
in the fascism business
00:20:23:24 00:20:25:19 way back in the, what, early '70s, was it?
00:20:25:21 00:20:28:04 -No, earlier than that, even.
-What, even earlier than that?
00:20:28:06 00:20:30:20 So he's, like, right in there at the beginning,
like a kind of Elvis figure.
00:20:30:22 00:20:32:03 -Yeah.
-Yeah, that's...
00:20:32:05 00:20:34:09 That's really interesting.
Now, tell me something about Hitler,
00:20:34:11 00:20:36:09 'cause there has been a lot of stuff
written about him,
00:20:36:11 00:20:39:04 you know, a lot of magazine profiles.
What kind of guy was he, do you think?
00:20:39:06 00:20:42:04 Oh, he was a wild guy,
and a little bit strict, in a funny sort of way.
00:20:42:06 00:20:43:09 Yeah, I've heard that.
00:20:43:11 00:20:45:12 I'd heard he really liked to
live out there on the edge.
00:20:45:14 00:20:47:02 -Oh, absolutely.
-That's really interesting.
00:20:47:04 00:20:50:09 Did he have a philosophy at all?
Was he a John-Lennony kind of guy?
00:20:50:11 00:20:54:20 Well, I suppose that the supremacy
of the Aryan race was his sort of inspiration.
00:20:54:22 00:20:56:18 Yeah, and a sort of segregational kind of thing.
00:20:56:20 00:20:59:06 -Racial purity.
-Racial purity, all that sort of stuff.
00:20:59:08 00:21:01:23 -Yeah, but then, tragically, he died, didn't he?
-Yeah, I'm afraid so.
00:21:02:00 00:21:04:22 -Yeah, what was it? Was it drugs? I think I heard...
-No, he shot himself.
00:21:04:24 00:21:08:08 Oh, he shot himself? Oh, that's really sad.
Yeah. Yeah.
00:21:08:10 00:21:10:14 I guess he must have been really depressed.
00:21:11:18 00:21:14:19 Depression... Depression is
a terrible thing. Terrible thing.
00:21:15:01 00:21:17:14 I've been depressed now for 1 4 years.
00:21:17:16 00:21:19:00 Can't shake it off.
00:21:19:02 00:21:23:15 My wife says I should kill myself,
but it's just a coward's way out, you know.
00:21:23:17 00:21:27:17 I did try it once, though.
Locked myself in the garage, started the car.
00:21:28:16 00:21:31:00 Bloody thing had a catalytic converter.
00:21:31:02 00:21:33:20 Came out after seven hours
with a slight headache.
00:21:33:22 00:21:35:18 But mustn't grumble
00:21:37:06 00:21:39:08 (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
00:21:39:10 00:21:40:14 Hello?
00:21:44:11 00:21:46:17 There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
00:21:46:22 00:21:49:22 I expect the others will turn up in a minute.
00:21:51:13 00:21:53:16 In the meantime,
00:21:53:18 00:21:58:01 it rather looks as if I'm sort of on my own.
00:21:58:06 00:22:00:03 FRY: That's right, my dear.
00:22:00:05 00:22:03:03 You are quite, quite alone.
00:22:03:05 00:22:04:14 Who's that?
00:22:04:19 00:22:06:19 (GERMAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
00:22:08:08 00:22:13:01 MAN: A fog has settled on the moor
and may not lift for days.
00:22:13:07 00:22:15:03 Who is there? Show yourself!
00:22:15:09 00:22:18:13 Oh, come, my dear, don't say you've forgotten me.
00:22:18:15 00:22:20:14 Forgotten who? What?
00:22:20:21 00:22:23:22 Welwyn Garden City, 1 9 74,
00:22:24:04 00:22:26:08 Debenhams car park.
00:22:26:10 00:22:27:12 Max!
00:22:27:20 00:22:29:11 I waited, Fiona.
00:22:29:14 00:22:32:10 I waited a long, long time.
00:22:32:12 00:22:34:03 But you never came.
00:22:34:05 00:22:36:22 Why didn't you come, Fiona?
00:22:37:00 00:22:38:15 I waited.
00:22:38:17 00:22:41:20 The traffic, I had a flat headache.
00:22:42:01 00:22:45:00 My wife turned up, the fire burnt down.
00:22:45:05 00:22:47:19 Oh, what's the use?
00:22:48:06 00:22:51:19 Oh, Max, Max, Max!
00:22:52:08 00:22:56:01 I've waited a long time for this moment, Fiona.
00:22:56:15 00:23:00:21 -Max, I'm so sorry.
-''Sorry''? ''Sorry''?
00:23:00:23 00:23:04:18 You leave me with three bags
of quite heavy shopping,
00:23:04:20 00:23:08:22 run off to Paris
with your lover-boy dancing laugher,
00:23:08:24 00:23:11:22 and then tell me that you're sorry?
00:23:11:24 00:23:14:08 Oh, Max, you don't understand.
00:23:14:12 00:23:17:03 I was young. I was in love.
00:23:17:08 00:23:21:04 You broke me. You broke me into a thousand...
00:23:21:06 00:23:23:20 Fiona, my colleague, what's going on?
00:23:23:22 00:23:25:08 -Oh, nothing, nothing.
-Nothing at all.
00:23:25:10 00:23:27:14 (TITTERING) No, we were just, um... Just chatting.
00:23:28:12 00:23:32:10 Fiona, I must say, you look absolutely fabulous.
Alive, feline, arousing.
00:23:32:16 00:23:34:09 No, that's Fiona.
00:23:41:09 00:23:43:08 Yes, all right, you know?
00:23:43:10 00:23:46:18 It's a sketch in a hospital ward. I'm so sorry.
00:23:46:20 00:23:51:19 I'm so sorry that we're not breaking moulds
and deconstructing forms
00:23:51:21 00:23:54:20 and drinking strange new types of lager
in underground bars
00:23:54:22 00:23:56:17 with tight hipster jeans hanging off our earlobes.
00:23:56:19 00:23:58:03 I'm so sorry,
00:23:58:05 00:24:01:10 you know, that we haven't raised
interesting cultural questions.
00:24:01:12 00:24:03:06 I'm so nose-blowingly sorry.
00:24:03:08 00:24:05:08 -You're not sorry at all.
-Damn bloody right, I'm not.
00:24:05:10 00:24:08:20 It's a hospital room, all right?
He's a doctor, he's a patient. Oh, dear!
00:24:08:22 00:24:10:03 Oh, arsing dear!
00:24:10:05 00:24:13:02 What a disappointment.
Where are the challenged perceptions there?
00:24:13:04 00:24:16:01 I don't wonder for a single hair-gelled,
00:24:16:03 00:24:18:07 Time Out-reading, bloody minute.
00:24:19:00 00:24:20:17 -Say ''ah.''
-Ah.
00:24:20:19 00:24:22:08 -Say ''twim.''
-Twim.
00:24:22:14 00:24:24:00 -Twim.
-Twim.
00:24:24:02 00:24:26:04 -Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
-Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
00:24:26:06 00:24:27:09 -Twim.
-Twim.
00:24:27:11 00:24:30:07 They do still exist, you know, hospitals.
00:24:30:09 00:24:34:06 Just 'cause a lot of twats in black polo necks
fart their way through the Late Show,
00:24:34:08 00:24:37:18 talking about ''the dark underbelly
of British social repression''
00:24:37:20 00:24:39:03 doesn't mean hospitals don't exist,
00:24:39:05 00:24:41:00 and that people don't go to them
when they're feeling ill...
00:24:41:02 00:24:42:04 -Hugh.
-What?
00:24:42:06 00:24:43:17 Get out.
00:24:44:04 00:24:45:05 Well, Doctor?
00:24:45:07 00:24:46:08 ''Well, Doctor.'' Yes.
00:24:46:10 00:24:50:18 Well, the situation is this. We do have a new heart
standing by, ready to go in.
00:24:50:20 00:24:52:09 A very nice heart it is, too.
00:24:52:11 00:24:54:19 Red, which I always think
is the only colour for a heart.
00:24:54:21 00:24:56:13 No, that side of things is all fine.
00:24:56:15 00:24:57:17 Oh, thank God.
00:24:57:19 00:25:00:04 But, and it's a pretty fat ''but,''
00:25:00:20 00:25:02:11 you're a smoker, aren't you, Mr Spears?
00:25:02:13 00:25:05:06 -Well, I occasionally...
-You occasionally smoke cigarettes, yes.
00:25:05:08 00:25:07:17 -Is that a problem?
-Well, I'm afraid it is, yes.
00:25:07:19 00:25:10:15 Puts me in a hell of a position.
Mr Twovey doesn't smoke, you see.
00:25:10:17 00:25:12:23 -Mr Twovey?
-Yes, nice chap, two rooms down,
00:25:13:00 00:25:15:04 came in yesterday.
He's also hoping for a new heart,
00:25:15:06 00:25:16:13 and he's never smoked in his life.
00:25:16:15 00:25:19:08 Well, he smoked once,
but didn't inhale, so he says.
00:25:19:10 00:25:23:01 So, you mean the one heart you've got,
you're going to give it to Mr Twovey?
00:25:23:03 00:25:25:05 No, no, not necessarily.
As I say, he's a nice enough chap.
00:25:25:07 00:25:27:04 But, by God, you should see him eating soup.
00:25:27:06 00:25:28:10 Soup?
00:25:28:12 00:25:31:18 Oh, revolting sight. Slurping,
and sucking, and spilling all over the place.
00:25:31:20 00:25:33:03 -Quite revolting.
-Yes?
00:25:33:05 00:25:36:24 Now, I've seen you eating soup, Mr Spears,
and it's rather an attractive sight.
00:25:37:01 00:25:39:20 You know, you hold the spoon properly,
tilt the bowl away from you,
00:25:39:22 00:25:42:03 suck out of the side of the spoon,
not out of the end.
00:25:42:05 00:25:44:19 Yeah, all together very neat about it,
very neat indeed.
00:25:44:21 00:25:47:10 -So?
-So, I would say, you're about even on that score.
00:25:47:12 00:25:49:14 'Course, you don't dress as well as Mr Twovey.
00:25:49:16 00:25:51:19 Gerald does a lot of good work in the community.
00:25:51:21 00:25:54:19 -I'm so sorry?
-He's very active within the community.
00:25:54:21 00:25:57:09 Yes, I've never really been sure
what that phrase means.
00:25:57:11 00:26:00:01 I mean, burglars are very active
within the community, aren't they?
00:26:00:03 00:26:02:07 Well, Gerald once met Esther Rantzen.
00:26:02:09 00:26:04:16 -Did you?
-Yes, but I didn't inhale.
00:26:04:18 00:26:06:18 (INHALING DEEPLY) I feel so shitty.
00:26:07:16 00:26:10:05 Eany-meany-miney-mo...
00:26:10:16 00:26:11:16 (WHISPERING)
00:26:14:13 00:26:16:01 Oh, now that is good news.
00:26:16:03 00:26:19:13 My nurse informs me
that a new heart has just come in,
00:26:19:15 00:26:21:05 so we can, in fact, service you both.
00:26:21:07 00:26:24:04 -Never!
-Oh, thank God. Can I kiss you, Doctor?
00:26:24:06 00:26:26:24 If I can punch you violently in the throat, then yes.
00:26:27:01 00:26:29:24 Now, um, since I'm here,
I might as well give you first choice.
00:26:30:01 00:26:32:15 Of the two hearts, the first is...
00:26:32:17 00:26:36:02 It's from a young squash player from Aberdeen,
about 25 years old.
00:26:36:04 00:26:39:15 And the new heart that's just come in
is from a 65-year-old cabinet minister.
00:26:39:17 00:26:41:04 Which would you...
00:26:41:10 00:26:43:24 Definitely, I think the cabinet minister.
00:26:44:17 00:26:46:07 May I ask why?
00:26:46:09 00:26:48:14 Because it's never been used.
00:26:59:16 00:27:02:09 Say, Hugh. Do you know the way to San Jose?
00:27:03:07 00:27:04:21 (PLAYING DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE)
00:27:04:23 00:27:08:04 No, Hugh...
God, you ask a perfectly civil question...
00:27:08:22 00:27:11:16 Not his fault. He's a little hard of understanding.
00:27:11:24 00:27:13:20 Uh, my colleague, my guests,
00:27:14:07 00:27:16:23 um, I've just been on the telephone
to the slim controller,
00:27:17:00 00:27:19:25 and I begged him to allow us
to go beyond our allotted time,
00:27:20:02 00:27:21:18 but I'm sorry to say that
00:27:21:20 00:27:24:13 he was hard, he was inflexible,
and he was very hot.
00:27:24:15 00:27:27:12 And that means that we're going to have to draw
00:27:27:14 00:27:32:03 another thick woollen scarf
over yet another week of fun, temptation and pain.
00:27:32:05 00:27:33:11 Well, you know, Stephen, that's very sad...
00:27:33:13 00:27:34:14 -Hugh.
-What?
00:27:34:16 00:27:36:03 Shut your neck.
00:27:38:18 00:27:42:24 Now, my guests, have you made
your cocktail selection this evening?
00:27:43:21 00:27:45:17 -You ever had avocado?
-Maybe.
00:27:45:19 00:27:48:07 (MURMURING)
00:27:49:21 00:27:52:16 I would like a long confident suck, please.
00:27:53:19 00:27:56:12 -You've selected a long confident suck.
-Yes, please.
00:27:56:14 00:27:58:06 A very wise, if I may say so, decision.
00:27:58:08 00:28:01:22 It would be my honour and my privilege
to prepare it for you.
00:28:01:24 00:28:05:07 Now, for a long confident suck,
you need a tall glass,
00:28:06:03 00:28:09:16 tall spoon, a tall barman, that's me.
00:28:11:00 00:28:14:19 You need a sugar lump steeped
in Angostura bitter, a pitted olive,
00:28:15:00 00:28:19:02 a handful of Rice Krispies.
They must be Rice Krispies. Ricicles won't do.
00:28:20:15 00:28:22:22 To this, you add a full measure of gin,
00:28:23:19 00:28:25:18 a full measure of Fernet-Branca,
00:28:26:11 00:28:28:13 a full measure of cooking yogurt,
00:28:29:22 00:28:31:16 a full measure of Drambuie,
00:28:32:17 00:28:35:03 with or without, it doesn't really matter.
00:28:35:05 00:28:38:09 And, least important of all, some fried water.
00:28:40:16 00:28:43:16 However, the most vital ingredient is missing,
and will be delivered
00:28:43:18 00:28:45:09 when I say these words.
00:28:45:22 00:28:48:17 Please, Mr Music, will you play?
00:28:49:07 00:28:51:07 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:29:11:01 00:29:12:22 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:29:39:20 00:29:41:13 Soupy twist.