00:00:01:03 00:00:03:14 LAURIE: ...find some tissues in the drawer, there.
00:00:03:23 00:00:09:16 Good evening and welcome to another packed
half-hour of misery and abject desperation,
00:00:10:08 00:00:13:05 a catalogue of cynicism and emptiness,
00:00:13:07 00:00:16:07 and a whole ottoman full of vapid excuses.
00:00:16:09 00:00:18:05 -My colleague would like to add something.
-Ta.
00:00:18:07 00:00:22:18 Yes. I'd just like to say a big hi to historians
of the future, who may be looking at this show
00:00:22:20 00:00:26:14 as part of a higher-education course
in the year 201 0 entitled,
00:00:26:16 00:00:29:08 ''Britain: Just What the Bloody Hell Went Wrong?''
00:00:29:10 00:00:32:15 That's probably enough wandering
and talking to the camera for now.
00:00:32:17 00:00:37:03 In the words of the Emperor Hadrian,
''Let's expose some light-sensitive magnetic tape,
00:00:37:05 00:00:38:10 ''and let's do it now.''
00:00:38:12 00:00:39:14 -My colleague.
-My colleague.
00:00:39:16 00:00:40:23 After me.
00:00:43:10 00:00:45:03 (SINGING)
00:00:46:03 00:00:49:13 FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.
00:00:49:24 00:00:51:00 LAURIE: A bit.
00:00:51:10 00:00:54:06 FRY: Between fact and breakfast,
00:00:55:00 00:00:58:24 madness lies, lies, lies...
00:00:59:19 00:01:00:23 LAURIE: A bit.
00:01:01:06 00:01:04:09 FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet...
00:01:05:01 00:01:06:01 I hate you...
00:01:06:03 00:01:07:03 (FRY SOBBING)
00:01:07:05 00:01:10:17 As love, rage and aches of the ear.
00:01:16:21 00:01:20:04 Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
00:01:28:23 00:01:30:17 Thank you. Thank you very much.
00:01:32:16 00:01:35:13 Stephen, here we are again.
00:01:35:17 00:01:39:16 Hugh, to my knowledge, you've only three times
in your life spoken a truer word than that.
00:01:39:18 00:01:43:03 Stephen, of course I can remember
the first two occasions, that goes without saying,
00:01:43:05 00:01:44:14 but what was the third time?
00:01:44:16 00:01:46:14 Well, you said,
00:01:46:16 00:01:51:07 that the BBC's motoring programme Top Gear
had become ''irritatingly facetious''.
00:01:51:21 00:01:56:03 Ah, yes. Yes, I remember it well.
Paris, a crisp November morning.
00:01:56:05 00:01:59:05 You wore grey, the Germans wore bleached denim.
00:01:59:15 00:02:02:17 You said, and correct me if I'm over-sexed,
you said...
00:02:03:17 00:02:06:19 You said, ''Why can't they talk about
cars on Top Gear,
00:02:06:21 00:02:09:10 -''instead of farting around, trying to be funny?''
-''Trying to be funny.''
00:02:09:12 00:02:13:14 -Yes.
-I mean, you said, ''People don't road-test
00:02:13:16 00:02:16:13 ''Nissan Micras on comedy programmes,
00:02:16:15 00:02:19:21 -''so, why do they...''
-The latest offering from Nissan comes
00:02:19:23 00:02:23:10 in either three, or five-door hatchback form,
00:02:23:12 00:02:27:16 with a choice of the 1 -litre or 1 .3-litre
1 6-valve twin cam engine.
00:02:27:18 00:02:32:00 Although the design is, overall, quite satisfactory,
there are one or two irritating little niggles.
00:02:32:02 00:02:35:22 For example, this boot lid
is awkward and quite heavy to lift.
00:02:35:24 00:02:38:01 Imagine trying to heave the lifeless body
00:02:38:03 00:02:40:23 of Kenneth Baker into that
on a wet, Friday evening.
00:02:41:00 00:02:42:21 Elsewhere, the car is quite pleasingly designed...
00:02:42:23 00:02:46:02 Well, time now to introduce some people
onto the show.
00:02:46:04 00:02:47:04 (LAURIE MUMBLING)
00:02:47:06 00:02:50:12 First out of the guest box
is a woman who's variously been described as
00:02:50:14 00:02:55:14 a woman, a risk-taker,
a deal-maker, a heart-breaker,
00:02:55:16 00:02:58:24 a gravel-raker, a baker, a faker,
00:02:59:13 00:03:04:13 three-quarters of an acre,
and an iron fist in an iron glove,
00:03:04:15 00:03:07:08 with iron bits sticking out from the knuckles.
00:03:07:10 00:03:12:10 Ladies and gentlemen, please give some muted
and barely polite applause for Caroline Quentin.
00:03:12:13 00:03:14:11 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
00:03:23:22 00:03:27:22 Although the controls are quite well laid out,
00:03:28:18 00:03:32:05 they are often quite difficult
to read while driving at night,
00:03:32:12 00:03:34:21 as is A Suitable Boy, by Vikram Seth.
00:03:37:01 00:03:40:05 Caroline, it's tremendous to have you here.
Have you come far?
00:03:40:07 00:03:42:03 Well, no. I was just over there.
00:03:42:05 00:03:45:21 Oh. Oh, well, that's not too bad then,
'cause you used to live in Cairo, didn't you?
00:03:45:23 00:03:48:04 -No.
-No. I see.
00:03:48:06 00:03:49:21 It was a bit of a wild guess, actually.
00:03:49:23 00:03:52:08 Mind you, it would've been creepy
if I'd been right, wouldn't it?
00:03:52:10 00:03:53:14 -Yes.
-All right, okay.
00:03:53:16 00:03:57:02 Well, why don't you take the weight off your feet
and transfer it onto your buttocks,
00:03:57:04 00:04:01:18 while I introduce a man
who's variously been tipped
00:04:02:00 00:04:04:21 for the post of Minister of the Interior
in the Republic of Chile
00:04:04:23 00:04:06:22 until that unfortunate business
of the out-of-date
00:04:06:24 00:04:10:13 weekend-away saver daybreak ticket
from Paddington to Reading.
00:04:10:15 00:04:14:15 Ladies and gentlemen, would you please move
your hands repeatedly towards each other,
00:04:14:17 00:04:18:25 until they make contact, releasing energy
in the form of sound, for Patrick Barlow.
00:04:19:05 00:04:20:14 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
00:04:27:18 00:04:31:20 Another slightly annoying problem
is that the bonnet-release catch
00:04:32:16 00:04:36:12 can get a little bit stiff
if it's not regularly greased,
00:04:37:00 00:04:39:16 as can A Suitable Boy, by Vikram Seth.
00:04:40:10 00:04:41:17 It's right here...
00:04:41:19 00:04:43:23 Patrick. A great pleasure to have you here.
00:04:44:00 00:04:47:09 -Well, Stephen, it's terrific to be here.
-Well, there's no need to lie.
00:04:47:11 00:04:50:08 -No. No, I wasn't. I was just...
-Well, there's no need to go around sneering,
00:04:50:10 00:04:53:02 -and telling snide, creepy little lies!
-(STAMMERING) Well, I...
00:04:53:12 00:04:54:22 -I wasn't...
-Oh, shut up!
00:04:54:24 00:04:57:15 Just shut the arse up will you?
00:04:58:00 00:04:59:11 You! Points out of 1 0.
00:04:59:13 00:05:01:21 Road-holding and economy, seven.
00:05:01:24 00:05:05:13 Performance and styling, five.
Overall likeability, nil.
00:05:06:12 00:05:10:02 Well, time now for an amusing little item
written by a colony of dragonflies
00:05:10:04 00:05:11:14 from Devon in Exeter.
00:05:12:03 00:05:14:20 You're a parent. You have children.
00:05:14:22 00:05:18:08 You want those children to become
Premier League footballers.
00:05:18:13 00:05:20:22 Well, this is the place for you.
00:05:21:04 00:05:25:10 The Dave Wilson School in Ipswich,
in the heart of London's East End.
00:05:25:12 00:05:27:20 Now, shake out, shake out.
00:05:27:24 00:05:31:06 The name of Dave Wilson will be familiar
to anyone who knows it
00:05:31:08 00:05:34:11 and to those who followed
the fortunes of Reading Town reserves
00:05:34:13 00:05:36:25 during the dark days of the 1 970s.
00:05:37:04 00:05:41:23 Oh, yeah. They were dark.
They were... They were very, very dark days.
00:05:43:08 00:05:45:23 I never actually thought they were dark,
but now that you mention it,
00:05:46:00 00:05:47:11 they were ever so dark.
00:05:48:21 00:05:51:15 FRY: Dave played in a total of two games
for the side
00:05:51:17 00:05:54:06 before a cartilage snapped in his head.
00:05:54:20 00:05:56:16 (MUTTERING)
00:05:56:23 00:05:58:01 Okay, next one...
00:05:58:03 00:06:02:03 FRY: Following the accident,
Dave tried his hand at many things.;
00:06:02:12 00:06:06:13 astrologer, night-club owner, interior designer,
shadow home secretary.
00:06:06:15 00:06:09:23 The jobs came and went,
but nothing seemed to stick.
00:06:10:03 00:06:15:14 Until Dave turned up one day to watch his nephew
playing for the school side.
00:06:15:17 00:06:18:17 Yeah, well, I saw a chance,
you know, to get involved.
00:06:18:23 00:06:21:08 Uh, you know, football's been good to me, I...
00:06:21:10 00:06:23:15 I saw a chance to put something
back into the game.
00:06:23:17 00:06:25:17 Right, now. Listen!
00:06:26:12 00:06:30:00 Okay, now. Football is a very simple game.
What is it?
00:06:30:02 00:06:31:22 -ALL: A very simple game!
-Right.
00:06:31:24 00:06:34:12 Now, what is the object of the game of football?
00:06:34:14 00:06:38:11 -ALL: To run into the box and fall over!
-Run into the box and fall over.
00:06:38:23 00:06:42:12 Let's try that now.
One at a time. Ricky, off you go.
00:06:45:15 00:06:49:12 What I'm really trying to do here
is to teach fundamental footballing skills
00:06:49:14 00:06:50:22 at the earliest possible age.
00:06:50:24 00:06:53:12 I've actually started teaching
my eight-month-old son.
00:06:53:14 00:06:56:17 And, I've got to say, he's a natural.
Falls over like a diamond.
00:06:58:14 00:07:02:12 Okay, listen. A lot of you,
as you go, are not getting your head back.
00:07:02:23 00:07:04:01 Okay?
00:07:04:04 00:07:07:01 Nice and loose in the neck.
As you get into the box, a lot of height.
00:07:07:03 00:07:08:24 Goes like this, okay?
00:07:11:09 00:07:13:24 You roll and roll. Okay?
00:07:14:09 00:07:18:09 The same applies for the static fall.
Right, that's when you run into the box,
00:07:18:16 00:07:21:03 you've forgotten to fall over
and you're just standing there, okay.
00:07:21:05 00:07:23:15 Nice and loose in the neck, and...
00:07:26:08 00:07:29:09 Okay, then. Limping. Two lengths of the pitch. Go.
00:07:31:12 00:07:32:12 (ALL GROANING)
00:07:32:15 00:07:35:08 Mr Wilson, found this in the changing room.
What is it?
00:07:35:10 00:07:38:10 Never you mind what that is.
Right, you lot. Come here!
00:07:42:05 00:07:43:18 Makes you sick, doesn't it?
00:07:43:21 00:07:47:13 Right, listen.
I'm gonna say this once, and once only, okay?
00:07:48:08 00:07:51:18 Martin has found this in the changing room.
Right?
00:07:51:22 00:07:55:07 Now then, I don't want to see any of you
mucking around with these things, okay?
00:07:55:09 00:07:59:13 Any one of you sees one of these, I want you
to tell me or Mr Collins immediately. All right?
00:07:59:15 00:08:02:09 You want to make it to the top? It's training.
00:08:02:13 00:08:06:10 No one ever got on in football messing
around with these things. Right, off you go.
00:08:06:23 00:08:08:11 This makes me sad.
00:08:12:17 00:08:16:04 Yeah. You see, people just don't realise
how much training
00:08:16:06 00:08:18:07 goes into being an estate agent.
00:08:18:11 00:08:20:19 Uh...virtually none.
00:08:22:17 00:08:25:25 I don't mind growing old.
It does have some disadvantages, I suppose.
00:08:26:02 00:08:30:03 I can't stoop to weed the garden
so much as I used to be able to.
00:08:30:05 00:08:33:00 And nor can I bend down
to take it from my husband.
00:08:34:11 00:08:37:04 No, I think that Virginia Bottomley
is doing the best she can, you know.
00:08:37:06 00:08:38:24 It's just a shame it's crap.
00:08:42:08 00:08:43:18 Good morning.
00:08:44:03 00:08:45:12 I beg your pardon?
00:08:46:22 00:08:48:04 I said good morning.
00:08:48:06 00:08:49:06 (GASPING)
00:08:49:22 00:08:51:10 At last!
00:08:52:01 00:08:54:23 -I'm sorry?
-After all these years!
00:08:55:09 00:08:57:11 -What?
-Welcome, comrade. Welcome!
00:08:57:13 00:08:59:14 Sit down, rest your weary elbows.
00:08:59:16 00:09:02:20 You'll take a glass of vodka?
Mr Dalliard! Mr Dalliard!
00:09:02:22 00:09:06:04 Break out the false passports
and the rabbit-skin hats.
00:09:06:06 00:09:08:02 We are going to Moscow!
00:09:08:16 00:09:09:23 Moscow?
00:09:10:00 00:09:12:25 What news? Comrade Stalin in rude health, I trust.
00:09:13:02 00:09:14:08 Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.
00:09:14:14 00:09:17:24 -All I said was good morning.
-Precisely. The code.
00:09:18:22 00:09:21:16 -''The code''?
-It is now 2 7 summers
00:09:21:18 00:09:24:24 since Comrade Melinsky stood
slightly to the left of where you are now
00:09:25:01 00:09:29:06 and told me that, one day, a man would come
into the shop and give notice of his allegiance
00:09:29:08 00:09:32:01 with the phrase ''Good morning,''
00:09:32:03 00:09:35:18 and that, on hearing those words,
Mr Dalliard and I were to detonate our relatives
00:09:35:20 00:09:37:00 and fly to Dover...
00:09:38:01 00:09:39:01 ''Fly to Dover''?
00:09:39:03 00:09:41:22 ...where a man named Smith
would see us safely onto a goods train
00:09:41:24 00:09:43:17 delivering livestock to Minsk.
00:09:43:19 00:09:45:22 No, no, no. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.
00:09:45:24 00:09:49:04 When I said, ''Good morning,'' all I meant was,
you know, good morning.
00:09:49:06 00:09:50:08 Oh!
00:09:50:10 00:09:52:12 That's all I meant.
00:09:52:15 00:09:56:11 Ah. Oh, well, in that case,
please accept my green felt apologies.
00:09:56:23 00:09:59:02 That's all right.
I just came in here to buy a model.
00:09:59:04 00:10:00:20 -A model. A model.
-Yes. Yes.
00:10:00:22 00:10:02:20 -A model?
-Yes.
00:10:03:23 00:10:06:22 -A model?
-Yes, that's right. I want to buy a model.
00:10:06:24 00:10:09:08 With or without plastic struts?
00:10:10:18 00:10:13:20 Um, well, I don't know.
I just thought maybe a model aeroplane.
00:10:13:22 00:10:14:22 Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
00:10:14:24 00:10:18:15 Let me ask a different question
in the same way. Who is this aeroplane for?
00:10:18:17 00:10:20:10 It's for my son. It's his birthday.
00:10:20:12 00:10:22:10 -Your son? Just your son?
-Yes. Yes.
00:10:22:12 00:10:24:18 -Mmm-hmm. And when is this birthday of his?
-Wednesday.
00:10:24:20 00:10:27:06 Yes. That's what I said. When is the day?
00:10:28:01 00:10:29:14 No. Wednesday.
00:10:29:23 00:10:32:06 Are you stupid or just plain deaf?
00:10:33:06 00:10:37:06 -Wednesday.
-Oh! You are genuinely stupid. I do apologise.
00:10:37:08 00:10:41:13 I'm sorry, I thought you were just being deaf.
Mr Dalliard, command the earth to swallow me up.
00:10:41:15 00:10:44:16 I do apologise, sir. Life must be hard enough
00:10:44:18 00:10:46:24 for stupid people, without tactless old bastards
00:10:47:01 00:10:50:06 like that lady over there
rubbing it into your face with salt, widely.
00:10:50:08 00:10:52:09 Mr Dalliard, I've gone peculiar now.
00:10:54:17 00:10:57:03 So, in plain-flavoured English.
00:10:57:05 00:10:59:23 When. Is. Your.
00:11:00:12 00:11:02:13 Son's. Birthday.
00:11:03:15 00:11:04:22 The day after Tuesday.
00:11:04:24 00:11:08:03 The day after... My word,
doctors are so specific these days, aren't they?
00:11:08:05 00:11:11:05 Are you expecting this boy to be a boy or a girl?
00:11:12:19 00:11:16:21 No, it's my son. He's nine.
This is going to be his 1 0th birthday.
00:11:16:23 00:11:19:04 His 1 0th? Oh, sir, I feel you're spoiling him.
00:11:19:06 00:11:20:14 I was only ever allowed one,
00:11:20:16 00:11:22:03 on my birthday usually.
00:11:22:05 00:11:24:12 Still, I guess that you know
your own business best.
00:11:24:14 00:11:29:00 Just don't come bleating to Mr Dalliard and me
if this son of yours turns out to be one of those
00:11:29:02 00:11:31:10 drug jockeys
we're always reading about on television.
00:11:31:12 00:11:32:19 Um, a glass of water?
00:11:32:21 00:11:34:04 -No, thank you.
-A cup of water?
00:11:34:06 00:11:35:08 -No.
-A plate of water, then?
00:11:35:10 00:11:38:02 No, thank you. I just want a model aeroplane.
00:11:38:08 00:11:40:12 -A model aeroplane of water?
-No, no.
00:11:41:06 00:11:43:13 Forget the... I don't want any water.
Forget the water.
00:11:43:15 00:11:44:24 I just want to buy a model aeroplane.
00:11:45:01 00:11:47:14 I thought, perhaps,
the Messerschmitt 1 09E in the window.
00:11:47:16 00:11:49:16 -The Messerschmitt 1 09E in the window?
-That's right.
00:11:49:18 00:11:51:01 Fizzy or still?
00:11:51:16 00:11:53:07 -What?
-Ah.
00:11:53:09 00:11:55:18 That doesn't count. I had my hand on my head.
00:11:55:20 00:11:58:02 Just ignore anything I say
when my hand is on my head.
00:11:58:04 00:11:59:08 Right.
00:11:59:10 00:12:01:08 -So, the Messerschmitt 1 09E.
-Yes.
00:12:01:10 00:12:03:19 -And I suppose some glue.
-Some glue?
00:12:03:23 00:12:06:07 Then your son is already a drug jockey.
00:12:06:09 00:12:09:00 Mr Dalliard and I warned you on bended legs.
00:12:09:02 00:12:11:13 But would you listen? No. Now look at you.
00:12:11:15 00:12:12:15 Hey, ho.
00:12:13:20 00:12:14:22 What's this?
00:12:14:24 00:12:18:19 A Messerschmitt 1 09E and a fix
for that degenerate junkie son of yours.
00:12:18:21 00:12:20:20 Well, it's already done.
00:12:20:22 00:12:22:14 -So?
-Well, the model's ready-assembled.
00:12:22:16 00:12:25:23 Well, you can't expect us
to do all the work ourselves, sir.
00:12:26:00 00:12:28:25 The whole joy of modelling lies
in carefully scraping off the paint,
00:12:29:02 00:12:32:17 soaking off the transfers,
taking the plane apart, piece by piece,
00:12:32:19 00:12:36:15 putting each piece into a small polythene bag,
which is then sealed and placed inside the box.
00:12:36:17 00:12:38:14 An achievement, something to be proud of.
00:12:38:16 00:12:41:15 Rare words, indeed, in these days
of supersonic hedgehog brothers
00:12:41:17 00:12:43:10 and ready-sliced golf shots.
00:12:44:07 00:12:46:16 That's it. Just forget it, forget it.
I'll try somewhere else.
00:12:46:18 00:12:50:04 Mr Dalliard has a gun trained on you through
the curtain, sir. At a single word from me,
00:12:50:06 00:12:51:18 he will blow your head clean off
00:12:51:20 00:12:55:12 with as much mercy as if you were
a helpless seal pup called Arnold.
00:12:55:22 00:12:57:02 What?
00:13:00:02 00:13:03:15 I'm so sorry we couldn't help you, sir.
We do try to accommodate our customers,
00:13:03:17 00:13:06:15 but not being a hotel,
we find it almost impossible.
00:13:08:01 00:13:11:06 Right. Well, all I can say is
this has not been a very good morning.
00:13:11:08 00:13:13:24 ''Good morning''? Mr Dalliard! Mr Dalliard!
00:13:14:01 00:13:17:12 We've been activated after all these years!
00:13:20:12 00:13:22:01 Strange man.
00:13:24:23 00:13:26:22 Ladies and gentleman,
some of you may be thinking,
00:13:26:24 00:13:28:22 you know, ''Hello, they've got
these guests on the show,
00:13:28:24 00:13:30:19 ''but the guests don't seem to do very much.''
00:13:30:21 00:13:35:10 You know, ''The tall one and his slightly less tall,
less-talented friend seem to have hogged it all.''
00:13:35:12 00:13:37:11 Uh, well, that's not actually...
00:13:37:13 00:13:39:20 That's not actually true, because how many people
00:13:39:22 00:13:42:17 watching now and here in
the studio tonight actually noticed
00:13:42:19 00:13:45:15 that Patrick here was in that last sketch. Anybody?
00:13:46:06 00:13:51:05 Anybody notice that? Well, that's interesting
because actually Patrick, in that last sketch,
00:13:51:07 00:13:53:18 played the part of my colleague, Stephen Fry.
00:13:55:11 00:13:58:00 Now, you see, Patrick, looking at that,
it is absolutely amazing.
00:13:58:02 00:13:59:17 You know, it's hard to believe
it's the same person.
00:13:59:19 00:14:01:12 Did you do a lot of work for the role?
00:14:01:14 00:14:06:24 Oh, I did, yeah, I mean, I basically devoured
all the source material I could find.
00:14:07:01 00:14:08:07 Right, right.
00:14:08:09 00:14:11:14 I'm just thinking,
in case we've got any viewers from planet Earth,
00:14:11:16 00:14:14:00 it would be quite nice if you put
that into a known language.
00:14:14:02 00:14:15:16 ''You devoured all the...''
00:14:16:03 00:14:18:18 Well, basically, I read everything I could find...
00:14:18:20 00:14:22:00 -You read a lot. Right.
-...on Stephen and his school years,
00:14:22:02 00:14:24:04 -his biography, his novel.
-You read his novel?
00:14:24:09 00:14:25:10 -Yeah.
-Did you finish it?
00:14:25:12 00:14:27:09 -I didn't, actually.
-No, I didn't either.
00:14:28:04 00:14:32:00 And then I started to concentrate on the walk.
00:14:32:02 00:14:33:05 LAURIE: Mmm.
00:14:33:07 00:14:35:24 Although, in actual fact, you were standing still
all the way through that.
00:14:36:01 00:14:40:17 Uh, yes. Yes, I was. But you've got to be able
to walk before you can stand.
00:14:43:04 00:14:46:11 Right, fascinating.
Well, Caroline, I don't want to leave you out.
00:14:46:13 00:14:48:01 I suppose some people may be thinking now,
00:14:48:03 00:14:49:21 ''Hello, I suppose Caroline
played the part of Hugh Laurie.''
00:14:49:23 00:14:51:02 But that's not actually true, is it?
00:14:51:04 00:14:53:06 No, no. I played the wall behind your head.
00:14:53:08 00:14:54:24 -Right, I think you can see that now.
-Yeah.
00:14:55:01 00:14:59:07 There you are. Caroline, did you have to spend
a lot of time in makeup for that? Was that a...
00:14:59:09 00:15:01:14 -No, no, about 20 minutes, that's all...
-Is that all?
00:15:01:16 00:15:04:09 Yeah, a couple of coats of primer
and an eggshell top coat, and I was ready.
00:15:04:11 00:15:07:11 -Yeah. No coving?
-We did talk about it,
00:15:07:13 00:15:09:19 but I didn't think my wall would have coving.
00:15:09:21 00:15:10:25 Yeah, right. Well...
00:15:11:02 00:15:15:04 Well, Caroline, not a very demanding role,
I suppose, having to play the wall,
00:15:15:06 00:15:17:11 but here's something that people
won't have noticed,
00:15:17:13 00:15:21:22 and that is that, at this actual moment,
Caroline is actually playing me.
00:15:22:23 00:15:28:18 Yes, that's right. Underneath all this makeup,
it's actually me, Hugh Laurie, sitting right here.
00:15:29:00 00:15:30:17 Tricks of the trade there. Anyway.
00:15:30:19 00:15:34:21 Now, on with the meaningless slaughter
of migrating birds.
00:15:40:15 00:15:43:01 # Standing on a bus
We packed shoulder to shoulder
00:15:43:03 00:15:45:16 # With strangers in my face
I can feel it getting colder
00:15:45:18 00:15:47:20 # Bus doors open
Nobody get out
00:15:47:22 00:15:50:12 # Look here, a little old woman
Getting on, I start to shout
00:15:50:14 00:15:52:16 # Say, get up, stand up
Up on your feet
00:15:52:18 00:15:54:24 # Make space for the lady
Somebody give a seat
00:15:55:01 00:15:57:11 # She's just standing there aching
Her whole body shaking
00:15:57:13 00:15:59:21 # She's starting to fall over
This time she ain't faking it
00:15:59:23 00:16:02:07 # But what? Nobody move
Don't hear a word I say
00:16:02:09 00:16:04:18 # So I take a deep breath
This time I get my way
00:16:04:20 00:16:07:12 # Say, please, don't make me say it twice
00:16:07:14 00:16:09:13 # 'Cause I'll get you as mad as hell
Let's try to be nice
00:16:09:15 00:16:10:19 # Be nice
00:16:12:02 00:16:13:17 # Be nice
00:16:13:19 00:16:16:25 # 'Cause I'm a good-ass mother-liker
00:16:21:21 00:16:23:25 # Get home to my bitch
She been waiting all alone
00:16:24:02 00:16:26:15 # I put water in a bowl
And I give her a bone
00:16:26:18 00:16:29:00 # Neighbours come calling
Holding out a cup
00:16:29:02 00:16:31:14 # So I get out the sugar
And I fill it right up
00:16:31:16 00:16:32:21 # Be nice
00:16:33:20 00:16:35:04 # Be nice
00:16:35:13 00:16:38:21 # 'Cause I'm a good-ass mother-liker #
00:16:48:02 00:16:49:22 No, it was the damnedest thing.
00:16:49:24 00:16:53:15 I was in this hardware store
about three weeks ago,
00:16:53:17 00:16:56:21 buying a 30-gallon drum of car wax
for my daughter-in-law,
00:16:56:24 00:16:58:11 when, suddenly, the door burst open
00:16:58:13 00:17:01:24 and 30 coppers came lumbering in,
arrested everyone.
00:17:02:08 00:17:04:12 Turned out the place was a brothel.
00:17:05:05 00:17:07:13 Well, they've closed all the brothels around us.
00:17:07:15 00:17:09:23 All bloody bingo halls now.
00:17:10:16 00:17:13:23 If you've got a jar of marmalade
in a cupboard, right?
00:17:14:00 00:17:17:08 And you take the marmalade
out of the cupboard, right?
00:17:17:10 00:17:19:04 You've still got the marmalade, yeah?
00:17:19:06 00:17:21:14 It's not in the cupboard,
but you've got the marmalade.
00:17:21:16 00:17:23:17 You've got to put the marmalade somewhere else,
haven't you?
00:17:23:19 00:17:25:22 Of course you have, it stands to reason.
00:17:25:24 00:17:28:24 There's the cupboard, no marmalade,
but you've still got the marmalade.
00:17:29:01 00:17:31:03 It's the same with sex and violence on television.
00:17:31:05 00:17:35:03 Yeah, you can take sex and violence off television,
but where you gonna put 'em?
00:17:35:12 00:17:37:06 Hmm? Tell me that.
00:17:37:18 00:17:41:08 Yes, I've had two letters read out
on Points Of View now.
00:17:41:16 00:17:44:21 Rather proud of that.
They say that if you can get three read out,
00:17:44:23 00:17:48:04 you're automatically sectioned
under the Mental Health Act.
00:17:50:18 00:17:54:20 Hello. If you're anything like me, then you
probably wash your hair quite often.
00:17:54:22 00:17:59:07 And you probably use a shampoo.
You're pretty tall, you're called Stephen,
00:17:59:09 00:18:01:08 and you haven't got much time for gardening.
00:18:01:10 00:18:04:05 Well, I may just have the answer for you, Stephen.
00:18:04:07 00:18:08:21 It came to me yesterday... Oh, tell a pointless,
transparent lie, the day before yesterday,
00:18:08:23 00:18:11:25 when I was standing here,
bent over the wash-hair basin.
00:18:12:08 00:18:16:10 Here's a thing, I thought, that we do a couple
of times a week, which utilises
00:18:16:12 00:18:21:00 the very same key nutrients and minerals
that any gardener will tell you are essential
00:18:21:02 00:18:22:16 for healthy plants and gums.
00:18:22:18 00:18:26:06 So, Stephen, I've come up
with this new five-minute addition
00:18:26:08 00:18:28:18 to my hair grooming and
facial scrub programme
00:18:28:20 00:18:33:02 Now, if you're anything like me, you'll probably
like to rinse after your second wash,
00:18:33:04 00:18:38:01 and you'll have a friend called Hugh who plays
with an Etch A Sketch in your airing cupboard.
00:18:38:03 00:18:42:11 Hugh, come on out and help me explain
my new breakthrough in hair.
00:18:42:13 00:18:45:02 -Righto.
-I was just telling the viewing several there
00:18:45:04 00:18:47:17 that after the second wash,
I like to have a thorough rinse.
00:18:47:20 00:18:50:15 -No harm in that, if it's done sensibly.
-My point exactly.
00:18:50:17 00:18:54:09 Now, it's at this very stage
when my new development comes in.
00:18:54:11 00:18:56:12 Here, in my freshly-watered,
00:18:56:14 00:18:59:12 protein-enriched hair are the ideal conditions,
00:18:59:17 00:19:03:03 neutral-balanced pH-active liposomes
and gentle cleansing agents,
00:19:03:05 00:19:05:19 for a small, but attractive, town garden.
00:19:05:22 00:19:08:02 Hugh, what have you decided to sow?
00:19:08:04 00:19:12:00 Well, I've gone for a mix of dog roses,
begonias and clematis.
00:19:12:02 00:19:14:08 -No vegetables?
-Well, I thought I might do one or two potatoes
00:19:14:10 00:19:15:11 just behind the crown there.
00:19:15:13 00:19:18:21 -Uh-huh. So a general utility garden?
-Pretty much, yes.
00:19:19:00 00:19:20:02 All right.
00:19:20:06 00:19:25:02 Now it's time for me to put my Pifco Tressmatic
onto its lowest setting
00:19:25:04 00:19:27:06 and let nature do the work.
00:19:30:13 00:19:33:24 Well, let's see how it's fared, shall we?
00:19:35:23 00:19:38:01 Oh, I think that's come out rather well.
00:19:38:03 00:19:39:24 Simple, cheap, effective.
00:19:40:11 00:19:43:11 Well done, Hugh, my ''head'' gardener.
00:19:44:06 00:19:45:16 That's amusing.
00:19:45:21 00:19:48:09 Of course, your own hair-garden
00:19:48:11 00:19:51:02 needn't be confined
to this limited range of plants.
00:19:51:04 00:19:52:22 The sky is very much the limit.
00:19:52:24 00:19:55:24 Climbing wisterias, alpines,
runner beans, you name it.
00:19:56:01 00:19:57:16 And if you have dandruff problems,
00:19:57:18 00:20:01:15 you might consider the virtues of
a traditional Japanese snow garden.
00:20:01:17 00:20:04:02 If you're like me, you'll be keen to experiment,
00:20:04:04 00:20:07:13 and you'll enjoy wearing Lycra one-pieces,
alone, in your bedroom.
00:20:09:06 00:20:12:17 -Stephen, what are you doing?
-Hugh, I'm south-facing.
00:20:13:20 00:20:17:08 -Well, back to the airing cupboard with me.
-See you next wash day.
00:20:17:10 00:20:18:19 -Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.
00:20:32:03 00:20:35:03 Between imagination and desire,
00:20:35:05 00:20:37:05 between reality and ambition,
00:20:37:07 00:20:39:16 between what is known and what is feared,
00:20:39:18 00:20:43:21 between purpose and despair,
between sense and shite,
00:20:44:01 00:20:47:03 between the visible world and the inner world
00:20:47:07 00:20:51:18 that straddles the curtain between what we know
and what we think we suspect,
00:20:51:21 00:20:53:12 hangs a dark veil
00:20:53:14 00:20:56:04 that waves gently between the beckoning finger,
00:20:56:06 00:20:58:15 drawing us into the world of what could be
00:20:58:17 00:21:01:11 and what never couldn't be impossible to dread.
00:21:01:18 00:21:03:09 Or do they?
00:21:03:16 00:21:06:21 Perhaps it isn't. Maybe we were only dreaming.
00:21:07:01 00:21:10:01 Perhaps the answers could be found
in that other realm
00:21:10:03 00:21:12:07 that lies between the foundry of the heart
00:21:12:09 00:21:14:08 and the sweating laundry room
of the imagination,
00:21:14:10 00:21:17:14 where the only rhythms are the smiles
of the forgotten winter
00:21:17:16 00:21:22:23 and the incessant beating
of the frightened human thigh that we call fear.
00:21:23:00 00:21:24:16 Or is it?
00:21:24:18 00:21:29:11 I'm Gelliant Gutfright,
and tonight's tale must give us pause.
00:21:29:14 00:21:32:14 It is called ''Flowers for Wendy,''
00:21:32:16 00:21:37:07 but might it rather have been called
''You Have Been Warned''?
00:21:37:09 00:21:39:05 No, it might not.
00:21:43:21 00:21:46:15 GELLIANT: Andrew Beckett is on his way home
from work.
00:21:46:17 00:21:51:08 A nice young man is Andrew Beckett, a kind word
for everyone, and everyone for a kind word,
00:21:51:10 00:21:54:03 liked by all who come into contact with him.
00:21:54:05 00:21:57:04 Another hard day's work, another quiet evening in,
00:21:57:06 00:21:59:13 perhaps a little television, a crossword,
00:21:59:15 00:22:04:14 maybe he'll finally get round
to cataloguing those... Wait.
00:22:04:16 00:22:09:10 What is he thinking of? Not just another evening.
After all, it's Wendy's birthday.
00:22:09:12 00:22:12:13 Dinner at Mario's, but first he should...
00:22:13:02 00:22:16:02 Strange, he's never noticed
that flower-seller before,
00:22:16:04 00:22:19:16 yet he comes home this route everyday.
Providential.
00:22:19:18 00:22:21:18 Good evening, Mr Beckett.
00:22:22:04 00:22:23:13 Well, that's extraordinary.
00:22:23:15 00:22:26:19 How could you possibly have known
that it was evening? You aren't wearing a watch.
00:22:26:21 00:22:28:22 I know most things, Mr Beckett.
00:22:28:24 00:22:31:22 How about buying some flowers
for your wife's birthday?
00:22:31:24 00:22:35:11 But this is uncanny. That's exactly what I want.
How could you possibly have known?
00:22:35:13 00:22:39:24 How about some roses, Mr Beckett?
All the ladies love a rose.
00:22:40:01 00:22:42:06 -Well, now, what are these?
-Ah.
00:22:42:09 00:22:46:07 Don't want to bother with those, sir.
They are special blooms.
00:22:46:09 00:22:49:15 -They're rather splendid. What are they called?
-Ranunculus pugnans.
00:22:49:18 00:22:50:21 Ranun...what?
00:22:50:23 00:22:55:06 Commonly known as
''Old Man's Wrinkles'', sir, or...
00:22:55:09 00:22:56:09 (OMINOUS MUSIC)
00:22:56:11 00:22:57:14 ...''the Fighting Buttercup''.
00:22:57:16 00:22:59:09 I must say, the smell is very...
00:22:59:11 00:23:03:06 -It didn't get that name by accident, Mr Beckett.
-What name?
00:23:03:12 00:23:04:24 Fighting Buttercup.
00:23:05:01 00:23:11:12 They say that the bouquet of this bloom
can bring out all the anger in a person.
00:23:11:14 00:23:14:03 -Well, what nonsense.
-That's what they say, sir.
00:23:14:05 00:23:16:17 -Superstitious hooey.
-No doubt about it, sir.
00:23:16:19 00:23:18:15 -Arse clap.
-As you say, sir.
00:23:18:17 00:23:20:08 Rhino bollocks.
00:23:20:13 00:23:23:06 -How much are they?
-Five pounds, sir. But I must...
00:23:30:05 00:23:31:21 Oh, get out of it.
00:23:32:19 00:23:35:03 GELLIANT: Poor Andrew, poor Wendy.
00:23:35:05 00:23:38:15 A kind thought for a birthday
and a simple bunch of flowers.
00:23:38:17 00:23:43:03 But when your life is a perilous yo-yo
eaten by destiny's right hand,
00:23:43:05 00:23:45:02 when fate lights the cigarette,
00:23:45:04 00:23:48:00 when chance plays the trumpet not very well,
00:23:48:02 00:23:51:06 and hazard deals the cards
from the bottom of your aunt...
00:23:51:08 00:23:52:13 Oh, come on!
00:23:52:15 00:23:55:19 ...then you must expect the unexpected.
00:23:59:01 00:24:02:13 -Andrew, what...
-Jesus, suffering arse, this bloody door!
00:24:02:15 00:24:04:14 -I don't understand!
-Don't understand?
00:24:04:16 00:24:07:08 Don't understand what,
you hopeless saucer of puss?
00:24:07:10 00:24:10:14 It's a frig-mothering door
and it keeps getting vomiting stuck!
00:24:10:16 00:24:12:21 That's all there is to understand!
It's not differential calculus!
00:24:12:23 00:24:13:25 Andrew!
00:24:14:02 00:24:15:17 Ow!
00:24:16:07 00:24:20:14 Now look what you've done, you pointless tart.
You've broken the snotting banister.
00:24:20:16 00:24:22:12 Andrew, what's wrong?
00:24:22:14 00:24:26:03 I'm gonna get a drink.
Happy birthday, you saggy old bitch.
00:24:26:12 00:24:27:23 Oh, thank you.
00:24:28:10 00:24:29:22 They're lovely
00:24:29:24 00:24:31:15 and they smell...
00:24:31:17 00:24:32:24 (OMINOUS MUSIC)
00:24:33:01 00:24:34:24 ...gorgeous.
00:24:35:19 00:24:39:24 Oh, come on, open,
you scrotum-ing dribble of faeces!
00:24:40:07 00:24:42:06 That's better.
00:24:45:14 00:24:47:07 Ah, that's much better.
00:24:47:16 00:24:48:16 (TUTTING)
00:24:49:05 00:24:51:08 After all, it's only a door.
00:24:51:18 00:24:54:17 It's not the end of the world.
Nothing to get annoyed about.
00:24:58:00 00:24:59:10 -What the...
-Sorry.
00:24:59:12 00:25:01:05 -''Sorry''?
-Yes.
00:25:01:12 00:25:05:13 Sorry I didn't hit you with a sock full of gravel,
you flabby, drivelling waste of clothes.
00:25:05:15 00:25:07:06 -Wendy, darling.
-''Wendy, darling''?
00:25:07:08 00:25:10:09 I'll darling your arse with a rusty lawn sprinkler.
00:25:12:17 00:25:15:01 -What... What's happened?
-''Happened''?
00:25:15:03 00:25:17:15 Nothing's happened that
a Swiss Army penknife can't sort out.
00:25:17:17 00:25:21:13 Now why don't you take
these bottom-wipingly ugly flowers
00:25:21:15 00:25:24:06 and stick them into your lungs!
00:25:25:10 00:25:28:18 The flowers! Of course. Listen, Wendy.
00:25:29:03 00:25:31:18 I think I know what's happened,
what this is all about.
00:25:31:20 00:25:32:20 You see...
00:25:32:22 00:25:34:18 GELLIANT: And so, Wendy Beckett
00:25:34:20 00:25:37:20 sat at her husband's knees and listened to a story,
00:25:37:24 00:25:43:04 a fantastic story, a tale that danced
along the crumbling brim of credibility,
00:25:43:06 00:25:45:01 yet never once lost its footing.
00:25:45:03 00:25:48:00 A tale of walking home, and pavements,
00:25:48:02 00:25:50:23 and forgettings of birthdays, and rememberings,
00:25:51:00 00:25:52:22 and wantings to buy flowerings,
00:25:52:24 00:25:56:22 and discoverings of a flower stalling
just at the right momentings.
00:25:56:24 00:26:02:19 And when he had finished, Andrew Beckett
took his wife's face in his lovely, young hands...
00:26:03:05 00:26:06:05 Now, Wendy, do you see?
Do you understand what's happened?
00:26:06:07 00:26:11:05 -Oh, Andrew, I feel such a fool.
-Well, Wendy, I think we've both been a little mad.
00:26:11:07 00:26:14:11 But what matters now is the future. It's us.
00:26:14:18 00:26:16:23 -Oh, Andy.
-Oh, Wendy.
00:26:19:19 00:26:22:09 A happy ending, you may think,
00:26:22:13 00:26:25:16 loose ends tied up, the books balanced.
00:26:25:18 00:26:28:05 And yet... And yet.
00:26:28:07 00:26:32:03 What of our friend, the blind flower-seller?
00:26:32:16 00:26:35:07 FLOWER-SELLER: Old Man's Wrinkle, madam,
00:26:35:09 00:26:38:07 or the Fighting Buttercup.
00:26:38:10 00:26:41:17 They say that the bouquet of this bloom
00:26:41:21 00:26:44:18 brings out all the anger in a person.
00:26:44:20 00:26:48:10 -Really?
-And when they've done that for a bit,
00:26:48:19 00:26:50:06 they explode.
00:26:50:08 00:26:51:08 (EXPLOSION)
00:26:51:22 00:26:55:12 -How much?
-To you, madam, nothing.
00:26:55:20 00:26:57:22 Ooh, thank you very much.
00:27:01:00 00:27:04:02 (ECHOING CACKLE)
00:27:10:05 00:27:11:13 Good night,
00:27:11:15 00:27:12:22 if you can.
00:27:17:19 00:27:19:01 (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO)
00:27:24:21 00:27:28:04 Well, we come now to that part of the show
00:27:28:06 00:27:33:04 where I say,
''Well, we come now to that part of the show''.
00:27:33:06 00:27:35:12 Oh, get on with it.
00:27:46:23 00:27:48:07 Have you chosen your cocktail, Caroline?
00:27:48:09 00:27:51:07 Yes, I'll have A Quick One With You,
Stephen, please.
00:27:51:10 00:27:54:11 A Quick One With You, Stephen, it will be.
For you, Patrick?
00:27:54:13 00:27:56:04 Could I just have a glass of water, Stephen?
00:27:56:06 00:27:57:06 (GONG SOUNDING)
00:27:57:08 00:28:01:01 Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the answer is,
''No, you can't.'' I do apologise.
00:28:01:04 00:28:03:05 You can have A Quick One With You, Stephen.
00:28:03:07 00:28:06:13 A Quick One With You, Stephen.
Now you may be making this at home,
00:28:06:15 00:28:09:23 in which case, what you'll need is
a measure of gin,
00:28:10:13 00:28:12:08 two measures of gin,
00:28:13:03 00:28:14:14 one of gin,
00:28:15:08 00:28:16:24 a measure of gin,
00:28:17:10 00:28:21:17 an item of clothing worn by any member
of the cast of Two Point Four Children.
00:28:22:00 00:28:26:16 In this case, I'm using a pair of Gary Olsen's
Fruit of the Loom Y-pants
00:28:27:23 00:28:30:13 and a measure of gin.
00:28:31:24 00:28:34:18 And now, into the cocktail shaker of my mouth,
00:28:35:09 00:28:38:03 I throw these six magnificent words,
00:28:38:18 00:28:42:16 you, please, Music, Mr, will, play.
00:28:43:04 00:28:44:25 I give a brief shake
00:28:46:11 00:28:48:24 and I pour out this golden phrase,
00:28:49:06 00:28:51:24 ''Please, Mr Music, will you play?''
00:28:52:08 00:28:53:25 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:29:15:16 00:29:18:19 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:29:28:00 00:29:28:25 (GRUNTS)
00:29:43:04 00:29:44:18 ALL: Soupy twist.