00:00:01:09 00:00:03:15 (SINGING)
00:00:04:01 00:00:07:01 FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.
00:00:07:23 00:00:09:05 LAURIE: A bit.
00:00:09:07 00:00:12:02 FRY: Between fact and breakfast,
00:00:12:24 00:00:16:21 madness lies, lies, lies...
00:00:17:16 00:00:18:20 LAURIE: A bit.
00:00:19:00 00:00:22:09 FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet...
00:00:22:20 00:00:23:23 I hate you...
00:00:24:00 00:00:25:03 (SOBBING)
00:00:25:05 00:00:29:12 As love, rage and aches of the ear.
00:00:34:18 00:00:37:24 Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
00:00:45:14 00:00:47:01 It's all over!
00:00:48:13 00:00:50:12 It's all over, finished!
00:00:50:16 00:00:54:09 Rotting away, finished,
the sands of time dribbling onto the floor!
00:00:54:11 00:00:56:24 Decaying flesh, mortality, nothing!
00:00:57:01 00:00:59:14 No sound, just a brief pinprick of light
00:00:59:16 00:01:02:01 extinguished into a darkness for eternity!
00:01:02:04 00:01:05:21 Maggots crawling through the eye sockets
of maggots, crawling through eye sockets.
00:01:05:23 00:01:09:08 Nothing but... Nothing but dried blood,
and just a faint smell.
00:01:09:11 00:01:11:21 (SOBBING) It's the end. It's over!
00:01:13:00 00:01:17:13 Yes. What my colleague is trying to say,
is that this is the last in the current series
00:01:17:15 00:01:19:17 of A Bit of Fry and Laurie,
00:01:19:19 00:01:23:21 and that he's sorry it's over, and he's very grateful
to you for allowing him into his home.
00:01:23:23 00:01:25:25 That's right. It's a very nice home.
Thank you very much.
00:01:26:02 00:01:29:16 I love what you've done with it. I think
you're right to leave the coffee table where it is.
00:01:29:18 00:01:33:00 If it is a coffee table,
some of you prefer a tea table, I know. Whatever.
00:01:33:02 00:01:36:07 Whatever. This is, as I say,
the last in the current series of Fry and Laurie.
00:01:36:09 00:01:41:01 And last shows, traditionally at the BBC,
are allowed two bottles of champagne-style fluid,
00:01:41:03 00:01:43:00 to be distributed unequally
amongst the audience.
00:01:43:02 00:01:45:15 -My colleague, would you care to do the honours?
-Certainly will.
00:01:45:17 00:01:49:25 There's a... There's a mean streak inside you,
isn't there?
00:01:50:02 00:01:52:24 -There is, actually, quite a mean streak, yes.
-Yes, a very wide one.
00:01:53:01 00:01:56:01 Yes, hardly room for my body either side of it.
00:01:56:03 00:01:58:24 However, that's enough verbal rimming
for the moment.
00:01:59:01 00:02:01:15 Time now to introduce our most very honoured,
00:02:01:17 00:02:04:04 guest-style units onto the show.
00:02:04:12 00:02:09:10 And, you know, first out of the guest box
is a woman of great distinction.
00:02:09:12 00:02:12:11 She served 1 2 years in the rank
of Lieutenant Colonel
00:02:12:13 00:02:14:20 in Iraq's elite Republican Guard,
00:02:15:07 00:02:17:22 before pitching her tent in the Vale of Tharkston,
00:02:17:24 00:02:21:23 where she makes some of the most
revolting marmalade I've ever seen.
00:02:22:00 00:02:26:18 Ladies and gentlemen, will you please make
a clapping-style noise for Janine Duvitski.
00:02:26:20 00:02:28:19 (MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
00:02:35:01 00:02:37:06 Janine, Janine, Janine.
00:02:39:09 00:02:43:24 Janine, you look old, tired, badly dressed
and in a hell of a state, generally.
00:02:44:01 00:02:46:11 -How do you feel?
-Fine, thank you, Stephen.
00:02:46:13 00:02:48:08 -Oh, well, that's good to hear.
-Janine, Janine, I...
00:02:48:10 00:02:50:22 There's something I've been
absolutely dying to ask you
00:02:50:24 00:02:55:00 ever since I heard you were coming on the show.
What's Tommy Steele really like?
00:02:55:02 00:02:56:07 Tommy Steele?
00:02:56:09 00:02:58:08 I believe that's what I said.
00:02:58:19 00:03:01:04 I don't know. I've never met him.
00:03:04:03 00:03:05:05 I'm sorry?
00:03:05:07 00:03:07:09 I've never met Tommy Steele.
00:03:07:17 00:03:10:16 -Yes, well, never mind that...
-No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on.
00:03:10:18 00:03:14:01 I want to get this straight.
You're saying you've never met Tommy Steele?
00:03:14:03 00:03:15:04 No.
00:03:18:02 00:03:19:08 Unbelievable.
00:03:20:01 00:03:23:06 Well, no time for recriminations, Hugh.
Got to look to the future.
00:03:23:08 00:03:24:24 Oh! Is there one?
00:03:25:20 00:03:27:08 Get on with it.
00:03:28:05 00:03:30:17 Right. Okay. Well, it now falls to me
00:03:30:19 00:03:34:16 to pull open the drawer marked ''Socks,
Underpants and International Superstars,''
00:03:34:18 00:03:37:23 and pull out our next guest.
He's a man of distinction,
00:03:38:00 00:03:41:12 three-times winner
of the Benson & Hedges smoking competition.
00:03:42:09 00:03:47:04 He's got three convictions for shoplifting,
and 1 7 for aggravated assault,
00:03:47:06 00:03:48:20 as well as a huge collection of skin.
00:03:48:22 00:03:49:24 It is of course, Robert Daws.
00:03:50:01 00:03:51:10 FRY: Oh, fantastic!
00:03:52:00 00:03:53:18 (MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
00:03:55:03 00:03:56:09 Welcome.
00:04:02:04 00:04:03:22 (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
00:04:04:21 00:04:09:02 Robert, Robert. It's lovely to have you with us.
00:04:09:04 00:04:11:23 Now, tell me, tell me.
Have you met Tommy Steele?
00:04:13:16 00:04:15:09 -No.
-Why not?
00:04:16:10 00:04:18:09 Well, I don't know, I just never have.
00:04:18:11 00:04:20:22 (MIMICKING ROBERT)
''I don't know, I just never have.''
00:04:20:24 00:04:22:07 Yes, well, never mind...
00:04:22:09 00:04:24:12 Jesus!
00:04:24:14 00:04:28:24 Right. Well, with the time fast approaching
Crewe Junction, the driver dead,
00:04:29:01 00:04:32:04 the brake hoses rotted through
by years of government neglect,
00:04:32:06 00:04:36:02 it's time to pack our comedy tote bags,
bung a couple of condoms into the hip pocket,
00:04:36:04 00:04:37:13 and head for sketch land.
00:04:39:06 00:04:43:13 FRY: Tony Radcliffe is headmaster
of Lanark Primary School in Thurloe.
00:04:43:15 00:04:48:01 The school has 84 pupils of mixed race,
religion, gender and shoe size.
00:04:49:01 00:04:50:17 Mickey, don't do that. Cheers, mate.
00:04:50:19 00:04:54:22 So, how does he deal with religious instruction
at the school's morning assembly?
00:05:00:08 00:05:04:05 ALL: # We worship you, O god of gods
00:05:04:20 00:05:08:04 # Whoever you may be
00:05:09:03 00:05:13:05 # We realise that you operate
00:05:13:16 00:05:16:22 # Supernaturally
00:05:17:09 00:05:21:13 # We thank you for the birds and bees
00:05:21:15 00:05:25:05 # For creatures live or dead
00:05:25:21 00:05:30:03 # But if you actually don't exist
00:05:30:05 00:05:34:15 # Then ignore what we've just said
00:05:35:10 00:05:39:16 # Ah #
00:05:43:04 00:05:46:19 Well, what I've tried to do,
or, well, what we've tried to do, I should say,
00:05:46:21 00:05:49:05 is to develop a religious agenda
00:05:49:07 00:05:51:22 that serves the needs of the kids
in a very real sense.
00:05:51:24 00:05:56:03 You must understand that we've got here, um...
We've got Jewish kids,
00:05:56:06 00:06:00:09 we've got Buddhist kids, Hindu kids,
Muslim kids, Christian kids,
00:06:00:24 00:06:04:10 atheistic kids, agnostic kids.
What they've all got in common,
00:06:04:12 00:06:06:08 -is that they're all...
-Kids?
00:06:06:10 00:06:09:02 Exactly. Exactly. Now that's very important.
00:06:09:04 00:06:12:14 So, obviously, any religious package that we offer
00:06:13:03 00:06:18:02 must take account of all those differences
under a basic overarching umbrella.
00:06:18:07 00:06:19:19 (VOMITING)
00:06:24:21 00:06:27:02 Sorry. I don't know what happened there.
00:06:27:04 00:06:29:20 So, how do you manage this, in fact?
00:06:29:22 00:06:32:07 How do you accommodate all these differences?
00:06:32:09 00:06:33:12 Okay.
00:06:34:14 00:06:38:19 What we've done is to sweep away
all the old divisions,
00:06:39:06 00:06:43:12 and basically invent an entirely new religion.
00:06:43:14 00:06:44:15 A new religion?
00:06:44:17 00:06:47:13 That's right.
It's a kind of religious Esperanto, if you like.
00:06:47:15 00:06:49:04 Nope. I don't think I do.
00:06:49:06 00:06:52:14 Right. Well, we've called this religion
Lip Whip Whip Whip.
00:06:52:16 00:06:54:18 ''Lip Whip Whip Whip''?
00:06:55:17 00:06:57:22 And that's the name of your god, is it?
00:06:57:24 00:07:02:14 Uh, no, no. There is no one single god
in Lip Whip Whip Whip.
00:07:02:16 00:07:04:18 So, it's a pantheon, is it?
00:07:05:04 00:07:08:06 I prefer to call it a committee.
00:07:08:08 00:07:11:11 It's a committee of gods.
There are eight voting members,
00:07:11:13 00:07:15:09 and a non-executive chair
who rotates every four years.
00:07:15:11 00:07:19:25 Mmm-hmm. And what do you worship
in Lip Whip Whip Whip?
00:07:20:02 00:07:22:05 Okay. We worship air.
00:07:23:03 00:07:26:06 We worship flexible work-share schemes,
00:07:26:14 00:07:29:15 and we worship rounded corners on things.
00:07:29:17 00:07:31:05 Why rounded corners?
00:07:31:07 00:07:34:01 Well, they're a very important symbol
00:07:34:07 00:07:36:13 in Lip Whip... Lip Whip Whip...
00:07:36:16 00:07:40:11 Luke, probably not a good idea. Cheers, mate.
00:07:41:22 00:07:43:08 They're a very important symbol.
00:07:43:10 00:07:47:11 The kids here worship the one
on the activity table in the art room.
00:07:47:13 00:07:51:12 ALL: Om. Om. Om.
00:07:51:14 00:07:55:10 Would you say, then, that Lip Whip Whip Whip
has been a success?
00:07:55:23 00:07:58:25 I'll be as frank as I can.
We've had some problems, I'm afraid.
00:07:59:02 00:08:00:03 (LOUDLY) Oh?
00:08:01:03 00:08:02:19 Yeah. Um...
00:08:02:21 00:08:09:05 Just yesterday, there was a kid
in Mrs Tremlow's 2APCVXBW class.
00:08:10:03 00:08:12:14 Tristram. Funny kid.
00:08:12:22 00:08:16:13 He decided to form a sect
that worshipped oblong surfaces.
00:08:16:16 00:08:17:22 Oh, dear.
00:08:18:22 00:08:20:13 (TRISTRAM GROANING IN PAIN)
00:08:21:01 00:08:24:14 Now, come on then, Tris.
I'm very disappointed. What are you?
00:08:25:02 00:08:26:12 Hmm?
00:08:26:21 00:08:28:16 (GROANING)
00:08:29:11 00:08:31:22 -I'm a heretic.
-You're a heretic.
00:08:31:24 00:08:35:13 Okay. Now, everybody, what do we think
about this? What shall we do with Tris?
00:08:35:15 00:08:36:24 Burn him! Burn him!
00:08:37:01 00:08:38:01 LAURIE: Burn him?
00:08:38:13 00:08:39:13 Yes! Yes!
00:08:40:00 00:08:43:14 Okay, okay. All right, then. That's settled.
Tris, we're going to burn you
00:08:43:16 00:08:45:21 in the playground during morning break.
00:08:45:23 00:08:48:20 Now then, Anna,
what's all this about you being a witch?
00:08:51:00 00:08:55:11 See these? Plant one of these,
in about, oh, mid-July,
00:08:56:19 00:08:58:25 a bit of water, bit of compost, bit of love.
00:08:59:02 00:09:00:11 (LAUGHING)
00:09:01:06 00:09:03:21 And about six months later,
00:09:03:23 00:09:07:02 you've got a nine-lane motorway
running through your back garden.
00:09:07:04 00:09:11:12 Yes, I always remember this spot
because it was right here...
00:09:11:19 00:09:14:18 This was the very first time that I saw my wife.
00:09:14:20 00:09:16:24 I was standing absolutely here.
00:09:17:01 00:09:21:10 And I remember thinking what an incredibly
tiny woman she was.
00:09:21:12 00:09:23:00 Absolutely tiny. She was...
00:09:24:01 00:09:26:19 about that size. Tiny little thing.
00:09:26:21 00:09:30:23 It was only weeks later, as I got to know her,
that I realised that that was, of course,
00:09:31:00 00:09:33:02 because she was a long way away.
00:09:33:21 00:09:36:12 The things they say, eh? The things they say.
00:09:36:14 00:09:41:06 My youngest, she said to me the other day,
she said, ''Daddy, why are there wars?
00:09:41:08 00:09:43:16 ''Why do people kill each other and fight?''
00:09:43:18 00:09:46:13 I said, ''Rebecca, darling,
00:09:47:01 00:09:50:12 ''shut your face and watch the video,
or I'll belt you one.''
00:09:50:14 00:09:54:24 Basically, I go around schools.
You know, I sit in with the kids,
00:09:56:13 00:09:58:21 'cause I'm trying to learn French.
00:09:59:21 00:10:03:05 -Are you gonna start then, Richard?
-Probably better if I start, Nick, yes.
00:10:03:07 00:10:05:16 That way we can thrash out the position
in broad terms,
00:10:05:19 00:10:07:20 -and then we'll know where we stand.
-That'll be the best way.
00:10:07:22 00:10:10:01 -I think so, Nick. I really do.
-Go you on, then.
00:10:10:03 00:10:12:18 Well, the position is that my client
wishes, in broad terms...
00:10:12:20 00:10:15:08 -''Broad terms''?
-Broad terms at this stage, Nick, yes.
00:10:15:10 00:10:17:02 I think we can thrash out specifics later.
00:10:17:04 00:10:22:04 My client wishes to engage in a bout
of protracted sexual intercourse with your client.
00:10:22:06 00:10:24:09 -Yeah. Can I just chip in here, Richard?
-Chip away, chip away.
00:10:24:11 00:10:27:12 Probably gonna save a bit of time
if I tell you that my client is keen
00:10:27:14 00:10:29:24 to proceed along the lines
of the standard pre-coital agreement,
00:10:30:01 00:10:32:04 with just one or two riders and emendations.
00:10:32:06 00:10:35:02 Ah, well, then, in that case,
my client is very anxious to expedite matters
00:10:35:04 00:10:37:13 -as swiftly as possible.
-Yeah. How swiftly would that be, Richard?
00:10:37:15 00:10:41:22 Well, my client was thinking in terms
of along the next half hour.
00:10:42:20 00:10:46:18 Yes. My client would like it clearly understood
that she's not easy.
00:10:48:13 00:10:51:20 Yes, my client is fully aware
that your client is not easy, Nick.
00:10:51:22 00:10:55:06 In fact, he wishes me to stress
that he has enormous respect for your client
00:10:55:08 00:10:58:20 as a woman, in a variety of personal,
non-sexual ways.
00:10:59:02 00:11:01:07 My client is reassured by your client's position.
00:11:01:09 00:11:03:08 And I'd like to know
how your client intends to proceed.
00:11:03:10 00:11:05:18 Well, my client was thinking in general terms
00:11:05:20 00:11:10:02 of dinner at the Bombay Brasserie,
after which, at some mutually agreeable time,
00:11:10:04 00:11:14:19 he would like to put his tongue inside
your client's mouth, and move it around slightly.
00:11:15:00 00:11:17:11 That is more than acceptable to my client.
00:11:17:15 00:11:21:17 My client then suggests putting a hand
up your client's skirt and having...
00:11:22:07 00:11:23:23 a bit of an old feel.
00:11:24:09 00:11:25:10 Mmm.
00:11:25:12 00:11:27:19 Which hand would that be, Richard?
00:11:27:21 00:11:30:02 My client has not yet decided on the hand.
00:11:30:04 00:11:34:07 Okay. Well, that's fine.
If you could just fax us with that, when you get...
00:11:34:09 00:11:38:22 No problem, no problem.
''Fax Nick which hand up skirt.''
00:11:39:19 00:11:43:02 I should say that after your client
has put his hand up my client's skirt,
00:11:43:04 00:11:45:16 my client reserves the right to moan slightly.
00:11:45:18 00:11:49:07 I don't see a problem there. No, that's fine.
00:11:49:09 00:11:52:18 Well, at this point, my client will suggest
that your client drives my client
00:11:52:20 00:11:56:13 back to your client's flat,
where your client will play some James Taylor.
00:11:56:15 00:12:00:18 Ah. My client doesn't have
any James Taylor at this stage,
00:12:00:20 00:12:04:04 but he wonders if Art Garfunkel
might be an acceptable compromise.
00:12:04:20 00:12:09:08 My client has indicated that Art Garfunkel
is definitely not acceptable,
00:12:10:00 00:12:12:24 but would be prepared to consider Tom Waits.
00:12:13:10 00:12:14:23 Excellent. Excellent.
00:12:15:00 00:12:17:16 Moving on, my client would now like to insert...
00:12:19:11 00:12:21:08 He would now like to insert a clause
00:12:21:10 00:12:24:13 allowing him to spill wine on your client's blouse,
00:12:24:15 00:12:27:03 which he's then able to mop off gently
with a handkerchief,
00:12:27:05 00:12:30:20 allowing him to brush your client's breasts
lightly as he does so.
00:12:31:04 00:12:35:12 Yes. We feel that in the interests of both parties,
a white wine spritzer should be specified.
00:12:35:14 00:12:37:20 So, white wine spritzer, it is.
00:12:37:22 00:12:40:22 My client wonders whether your client
is able to accommodate...
00:12:40:24 00:12:42:00 Yes?
00:12:42:02 00:12:47:05 ...able to accommodate a gentle, circular
licking motion around the upper body.
00:12:48:02 00:12:50:04 Perfectly acceptable, if my client would be
00:12:50:06 00:12:52:08 permitted to gaze at the ceiling,
and say the words,
00:12:52:10 00:12:56:12 -''Oh, God'' and ''Yes''.
-''Oh, God'' and ''Yes''.
00:12:56:14 00:12:58:18 -Or ''Yeah''.
-Or ''Yeah'', yeah.
00:12:58:20 00:13:01:08 Fine. Well, I think a move to the bedroom
seems to be indicated.
00:13:01:10 00:13:05:10 Indeed. I should point out, however, that my client
is keen that this engagement should run along
00:13:05:12 00:13:07:00 orthodox lines from hereon in.
00:13:07:02 00:13:10:05 Ah. Would that preclude the use of salad items?
00:13:10:20 00:13:12:00 I'm afraid so.
00:13:12:02 00:13:13:17 Well, in that case, my client feels
00:13:13:19 00:13:17:19 that matters can be brought
to a satisfactory conclusion in three minutes.
00:13:19:06 00:13:22:11 Ah. Well, now my client feels that
that would be premature.
00:13:22:14 00:13:25:07 We feel 1 0 minutes is more acceptable.
00:13:27:10 00:13:29:15 What say we compromise with six?
00:13:29:19 00:13:32:01 Six? Six. All right, six minutes, then.
00:13:32:03 00:13:34:21 I think, hereafter,
we're back on standard contract territory.
00:13:34:23 00:13:37:16 I assume your client will then roll over
and turn his back on my client.
00:13:37:18 00:13:41:05 Oh, my client will most certainly do so, yes.
Your client will then attempt to hold him,
00:13:41:07 00:13:42:21 and he will behave coldly towards her.
00:13:42:23 00:13:47:09 Quite so. My client will feel spurned and shamed,
as your client refuses to share the afterglow.
00:13:47:11 00:13:51:05 Yes. My client will sneak into his clothes
at 5:00 in the morning, go to work early,
00:13:51:07 00:13:53:09 leaving no note for your client.
00:13:53:11 00:13:55:22 My client will feel immensely rejected
and angry at this.
00:13:55:24 00:13:57:08 Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
00:13:57:10 00:13:59:19 My client will pick up the phone once
during the afternoon,
00:13:59:21 00:14:02:20 but fail to go through with the call,
after which he'll never be in touch again.
00:14:02:22 00:14:06:21 Mmm-hmm. My client will, from hereafter,
refer to your client as ''that bastard''.
00:14:07:06 00:14:11:02 Absolutely. If my client meets your client
at a party, he will blush, look away.
00:14:11:04 00:14:13:16 Mmm-hmm. Precisely.
So I think that's all satisfactory.
00:14:13:18 00:14:16:24 Yes, indeed.
If your client would like to sign the bottom, here.
00:14:17:01 00:14:20:05 Yes, and your client will sign here. You got a pen?
00:14:20:07 00:14:21:07 NICK: Here you go.
00:14:21:09 00:14:24:13 Could you initial the Tom Waits clause?
00:14:26:08 00:14:27:11 Excellent.
00:14:27:13 00:14:28:18 Thank you.
00:14:28:20 00:14:30:19 NICK: Thank you so much.
00:14:31:10 00:14:32:22 Good.
00:14:37:10 00:14:39:02 -Nice people.
-Very nice people.
00:14:39:04 00:14:40:11 -Nice people.
-Yes.
00:14:40:13 00:14:43:25 -Fancy a steamy sex romp?
-Yes, please.
00:14:44:24 00:14:47:05 (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)
00:14:47:13 00:14:49:08 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:14:52:09 00:14:54:13 # I wear sophisticated clothes
00:14:54:15 00:14:57:05 # I say sophisticated things
00:14:57:07 00:15:00:14 # Everything about me says
I'm a sophistication king
00:15:00:16 00:15:03:06 # But when I'm with you
00:15:03:08 00:15:06:01 # Can't seem to find my cool
00:15:08:06 00:15:10:07 # Yeah, when I'm with you
00:15:11:06 00:15:14:04 # I just sit there and drool
00:15:16:03 00:15:18:05 # I got sophisticated hands
00:15:18:07 00:15:20:11 # I got sophisticated feet
00:15:20:13 00:15:24:05 # A sophisticated car
Parked on Sophistication Street
00:15:24:07 00:15:26:07 # But when I'm with you
00:15:27:02 00:15:29:19 # Can't seem to find my cool
00:15:31:24 00:15:34:07 # Yeah, when I'm with you
00:15:34:23 00:15:37:24 # I'm just a dribbling fool
00:15:40:21 00:15:44:06 # When you look at me and you start to flirt
00:15:44:08 00:15:47:21 # I have to wipe the dribble
Off the front of my shirt
00:15:48:18 00:15:51:18 # When you ask me what's on my mind
00:15:52:03 00:15:54:15 # All I can think to answer is:
00:15:56:23 00:15:58:20 # I eat sophisticated food
00:15:58:22 00:16:00:24 # I breathe sophisticated air
00:16:01:01 00:16:04:20 # Run a sophisticated comb
Through my sophisticated hair
00:16:04:22 00:16:06:23 # But when I'm with you
00:16:07:18 00:16:10:07 # Can't seem to find my cool
00:16:12:13 00:16:14:16 # Yeah, when I'm with you
00:16:15:14 00:16:18:23 # I'm just a dribbling fool #
00:16:24:10 00:16:26:09 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
00:16:30:14 00:16:33:00 (SPEAKING RAPIDLY)
When I was 1 7, I'd already tried 1 4 different jobs,
00:16:33:02 00:16:35:03 married twice, fathered many, many,
many, many children,
00:16:35:05 00:16:37:21 eaten a perfectly enormous quantity of food,
over a long-time period,
00:16:37:23 00:16:39:23 been weaned off six types
of class A dangerous drug,
00:16:40:00 00:16:42:16 given up smoking, taken it up again,
given it up again, taken it up again,
00:16:42:18 00:16:45:19 given taking it up, and taken giving it up
again and again and again and again.
00:16:45:21 00:16:48:02 By the time I was 20,
alcohol had never passed my lips,
00:16:48:04 00:16:49:19 yet I was a reckless and predatory alcoholic.
00:16:49:21 00:16:52:23 My life was in pieces, my marriages
were shattered, my children lay in ruins.
00:16:53:00 00:16:56:06 I was paying alimony along the sinuses,
behind the dark interior passages of the skull,
00:16:56:08 00:16:57:12 and through the nose.
00:16:57:14 00:17:00:21 But at 30, at 30 came the chance
to redeem a bin liner of broken promises.
00:17:00:23 00:17:03:05 If I didn't take that chance, what would I be?
What would I become?
00:17:03:07 00:17:06:06 Just another friendless acid spot
on the back buttock of a weeping society.
00:17:06:08 00:17:09:01 So I took it. Took the chance.
Picked up the ball and ran. Went for it!
00:17:09:03 00:17:10:12 Threw caution to the teeth of the gale.
00:17:10:14 00:17:14:02 Never looked back. Just keep running. I did it!
Forget the past, there's nothing there,
00:17:14:04 00:17:16:18 not even memories, just a road
you never travelled, unwinding backwards
00:17:16:20 00:17:19:22 to a place you never came from,
where fruit grows on trees you never climbed,
00:17:19:24 00:17:22:14 in an orchard where you lost your virginity
to a boy called Timothy,
00:17:22:16 00:17:24:15 who died of Horlicks poisoning
before you were born.
00:17:24:17 00:17:26:09 -No answers there...
-Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.
00:17:26:11 00:17:27:11 Yes?
00:17:28:01 00:17:29:18 Go and have a lie down.
00:17:29:20 00:17:31:24 Oh. Okay.
00:17:38:09 00:17:42:01 I belong to the wine society.
I enjoy fine wines very much.
00:17:42:03 00:17:45:01 Also their malt whiskies. I like a nice malt whisky.
00:17:45:06 00:17:46:22 Great pleasure to me.
00:17:47:12 00:17:50:21 It's one of the great benefits
of being an alcoholic, really, I suppose.
00:17:51:09 00:17:55:16 Well, I'm aroused every morning
by a very insistent cock.
00:17:56:21 00:17:59:06 In the morning? Yes, I used to use
00:17:59:08 00:18:02:16 one of those automatic things
that makes you a cup of tea,
00:18:02:18 00:18:05:19 and does this horrible screeching noise
in your ear.
00:18:06:23 00:18:09:15 But then I divorced her and bought a Teasmade.
00:18:09:17 00:18:11:12 What, alarm? In the morning?
00:18:11:14 00:18:16:23 Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini
conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra,
00:18:17:00 00:18:20:05 in a perfectly transcendent version
of Schubert's 7th Symphony.
00:18:20:07 00:18:24:23 And I've rigged it up so that,
at exactly 7:30 every morning,
00:18:25:12 00:18:27:19 it falls from the ceiling onto my face.
00:18:28:12 00:18:32:12 No, I haven't got an alarm clock.
I've got three children instead.
00:18:34:01 00:18:38:23 It was a difficult choice, but I thought
the children would go better with the wallpaper.
00:18:39:00 00:18:41:08 Well, you know,
he tried to palm me off with margarine.
00:18:41:10 00:18:45:21 I said, you know, if you're gonna palm me off,
at least use butter or olive oil.
00:18:50:03 00:18:52:15 People can be horribly inconsiderate, can't they?
00:18:52:17 00:18:54:25 Especially when they're out of breath.
00:18:57:01 00:18:58:02 DAWS: Mmm.
00:18:58:04 00:19:01:15 You know, I can remember my mother
used to drive me, absolutely, to school
00:19:01:17 00:19:03:21 -every morning in an old Wolseley.
-Ah.
00:19:03:24 00:19:06:01 -You know, the kind with wheels?
-Yeah.
00:19:06:03 00:19:07:03 Good old thing.
00:19:07:20 00:19:11:14 All soft leather and walnut and chrome.
00:19:11:16 00:19:13:17 And she usually wore a hat, as well.
00:19:13:19 00:19:15:07 Yeah. Interesting.
00:19:15:09 00:19:17:02 (PHONE RINGING) Oh, excuse me. Sorry, sorry.
00:19:17:14 00:19:18:18 Hello.
00:19:19:11 00:19:20:16 Hello?
00:19:20:20 00:19:24:02 It's so annoying, isn't it? It's always happening.
00:19:24:06 00:19:26:05 Was that our phone, or was it yours?
00:19:26:07 00:19:27:09 That's right,
00:19:27:11 00:19:32:07 because with the advances
in NICAM digital stereo sound,
00:19:32:09 00:19:35:05 and the disbanding
of the old mechanical ringing of the telephone,
00:19:35:07 00:19:38:13 20th-century Britain has plunged itself
into a bit of a wet nightmare.
00:19:38:15 00:19:41:01 When the phone rings on the TV,
many Britons are horribly confused.
00:19:41:03 00:19:42:16 Is it fiction, or is it real?
00:19:44:04 00:19:47:20 That's right. Well, you know,
we've got plenty of phones here.
00:19:47:22 00:19:52:00 Let's, for goodness sake, use them.
Robert, why don't you dial my number,
00:19:52:02 00:19:55:23 and it will come out on our viewers'
left-hand speaker on their television at home
00:19:56:00 00:19:57:08 if they're watching in stereo.
00:19:57:10 00:20:01:12 That's right, and, Janine, you ring me,
and we'll output through the right channel.
00:20:01:14 00:20:03:03 (PHONE RINGING)
00:20:04:07 00:20:05:15 (SECOND PHONE RINGING)
00:20:05:17 00:20:06:18 -FRY: Mmm.
-You see?
00:20:06:20 00:20:09:21 -Absolutely terrifying, isn't it?
-It's a nightmare.
00:20:09:23 00:20:11:05 Yeah, yeah.
00:20:11:14 00:20:15:04 Well, now, as part of our ongoing,
continuing attempt
00:20:15:06 00:20:19:08 to provide a better public service,
and earn lots of charter marks,
00:20:19:10 00:20:21:10 we at Fry and Laurie,
00:20:21:12 00:20:25:01 have decided to institute
a small flashing symbol here.
00:20:26:10 00:20:29:11 To indicate whether
the phone you hear ringing is yours...
00:20:29:13 00:20:30:22 Or ours.
00:20:31:00 00:20:32:14 (PHONE RINGING)
00:20:32:19 00:20:33:22 (LAURIE EXCLAIMS)
00:20:34:18 00:20:37:08 No. Now, that one is definitely yours.
00:20:37:19 00:20:41:12 Or is it?
Because, as part of our ongoing commitment
00:20:41:14 00:20:44:04 to earn no charter marks at all this term,
00:20:44:06 00:20:46:15 and to be put into detention
by the Prime Minister,
00:20:46:17 00:20:51:12 we have decided that, from now on, your life
is gonna be made a living hell of telephones.
00:20:51:14 00:20:53:19 (PHONES RINGING)
00:20:54:02 00:20:56:11 -No, that's yours.
-No, that... Yeah, definitely.
00:20:56:13 00:20:59:25 Answer it.
It's probably your mother from Australia!
00:21:00:05 00:21:01:24 (RINGING CONTINUES)
00:21:02:12 00:21:04:08 -Come on.
-The third one is theirs, definitely.
00:21:04:10 00:21:05:18 Vince, over to you.
00:21:06:04 00:21:09:20 (HOUSE OF LOVE BY EAST 1 7
PLAYING ON STEREO)
00:21:09:22 00:21:10:22 Terry, can I have a...
00:21:10:24 00:21:11:24 (SIGHING)
00:21:12:24 00:21:14:00 (TURNS MUSIC OFF)
00:21:14:10 00:21:16:15 Terry, got a moment?
00:21:16:24 00:21:18:03 What?
00:21:19:08 00:21:21:19 Have you got a window in your packed schedule?
00:21:21:21 00:21:25:16 In which case, can you open a curtain
and let me peak through, just for a moment?
00:21:25:18 00:21:29:22 -Yeah.
-Good. Now, Terry. School.
00:21:30:05 00:21:32:10 Now, I've just had Mr Stroke on the phone.
00:21:33:19 00:21:36:15 He tells me that you didn't turn up today.
00:21:36:17 00:21:38:20 -So?
-So, why not?
00:21:39:09 00:21:40:19 It's boring.
00:21:40:21 00:21:42:08 Well, how would you know that, Terry?
00:21:42:10 00:21:46:12 According to Mr Stroke,
you haven't been to school for four years.
00:21:46:16 00:21:48:20 -So?
-So, where have you been all this time?
00:21:48:22 00:21:51:09 What have you been doing for the last four years?
00:21:51:11 00:21:53:03 Got to level nine.
00:21:54:20 00:21:57:02 Level nine? What do you mean, level nine?
00:21:57:04 00:21:58:25 Level nine, top level.
00:21:59:07 00:22:02:21 Yes, but school, Terry,
learning, growth, development.
00:22:03:07 00:22:05:04 -What's the point?
-What?
00:22:05:06 00:22:08:05 Well, I don't want to go to school
'cause it's boring. There's no point.
00:22:08:07 00:22:11:04 You ''don't want''? You ''don't want''?
00:22:11:06 00:22:13:12 And who, pray, be good enough to tell me,
00:22:13:14 00:22:17:08 is supposed to give an electrically-operated shag
about what you want?
00:22:17:23 00:22:19:01 Hmm? Hmm?
00:22:19:03 00:22:20:21 (PHONE RINGING)
00:22:23:06 00:22:24:16 (PHONE CONTINUES TO RING)
00:22:24:18 00:22:26:19 No, just... Just leave me alone, can't you?
00:22:26:21 00:22:29:17 Leave you alone?
Why the hell should I leave you alone?
00:22:29:19 00:22:32:05 What are you doing?
Are you making a cheese sauce?
00:22:32:07 00:22:34:08 Working on a cure for cancer?
00:22:34:10 00:22:37:10 Is an oboe concerto
forming in your mind? What?
00:22:37:15 00:22:39:07 I'm on level nine.
00:22:39:16 00:22:44:15 Bugger level nine! Bugger up the arse of
level nine with an Anglepoise lamp!
00:22:45:10 00:22:48:07 -I'm talking about your life, Terry.
-What about it?
00:22:48:09 00:22:52:04 ''What about it?'' Never mind ''what about it'',
what is it? What is your life, Terry?
00:22:52:06 00:22:54:03 Tell me what your life is.
00:22:54:11 00:22:56:14 -Well, what's yours?
-What do you mean?
00:22:56:17 00:23:01:03 -Well, what's your life?
-What, my life? My life? My life?
00:23:01:13 00:23:04:11 My life is energy, work, dedication!
00:23:04:14 00:23:09:04 Thirty-three bloody years at Russell & Bromley,
that's what my life is!
00:23:09:07 00:23:13:13 My life is having you. I had you, didn't I?
That was supposed to be a good thing.
00:23:13:15 00:23:15:09 I didn't ask to be born.
00:23:15:11 00:23:19:12 You didn't ask...
Judas Priest on a two-stroke moped!
00:23:20:16 00:23:22:19 What is that supposed to mean, huh?
00:23:22:24 00:23:26:08 You didn't ask to be born. I...
You'd be better off dead, would you?
00:23:26:14 00:23:30:00 -Maybe.
-''Maybe''? ''Maybe''? ''Maybe''? ''Maybe''?
00:23:30:10 00:23:31:11 What do you mean, ''maybe''?
00:23:31:13 00:23:33:19 Well, I've thought about it.
00:23:33:21 00:23:37:16 -Thought? What, about killing yourself?
-Yeah, when I finish this game.
00:23:38:08 00:23:41:13 Oh, great. Well, I'll order the headstone, shall I?
00:23:41:15 00:23:45:17 ''Here lies Terry Gardiner.
He got to level bloody nine.''
00:23:46:08 00:23:49:21 What? Do you want singing cherubim around it,
or do you want it plain?
00:23:49:23 00:23:51:15 Bingo! Done it!
00:23:52:04 00:23:57:03 Right. Well, you gonna choose a knife
in the gut or bullet in the head? What?
00:23:57:13 00:23:58:18 Knife, I think.
00:24:02:07 00:24:03:16 About bloody time.
00:24:05:05 00:24:06:05 (EXCLAIMS)
00:24:06:14 00:24:09:09 (CHUCKLING) I only know one, I'm afraid.
00:24:09:11 00:24:12:20 How many cabinet ministers
does it take to change a light bulb?
00:24:12:22 00:24:14:02 Three.
00:24:15:06 00:24:17:12 Seems rather a lot to me, but there you are.
00:24:18:11 00:24:20:10 Where is this country headed?
00:24:20:16 00:24:22:22 That's the 64p question.
00:24:23:22 00:24:26:15 ...'cause in our village,
there's a marvellous old game
00:24:26:17 00:24:29:02 we play every Lammas Eve.
00:24:29:06 00:24:32:21 Tradition has it that everyone living in the village,
of pensionable age,
00:24:32:23 00:24:36:09 has to dress up as a bale of straw.
And then the rest of us,
00:24:36:11 00:24:39:07 we split up into packs of six,
in four-wheel-drive vehicles,
00:24:39:09 00:24:42:25 and we have to hunt them down
and beat them to death with fence posts.
00:24:43:02 00:24:45:19 I'm not absolutely sure of its origins.
00:24:46:02 00:24:49:15 It's something to do with the Conservative Party,
I believe.
00:24:51:10 00:24:53:23 (LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
00:24:56:24 00:24:58:00 (SNIFFLING)
00:24:58:02 00:25:02:05 Well, my colleague, my colleague,
what a melancholy occasion is this.
00:25:02:07 00:25:05:01 -It is at that. It is at that. And yet...
-And yet...
00:25:05:03 00:25:08:11 And yet, for millions of people
it's a time for simple rejoicing
00:25:08:13 00:25:10:15 and quiet explosions of merriment.
00:25:10:23 00:25:12:04 I hate you.
00:25:12:09 00:25:14:15 I know what he's trying to say, I do.
00:25:14:17 00:25:17:11 How, my colleague? How to find fit words
00:25:17:13 00:25:20:14 with which to bid farewell to our viewing several?
00:25:20:16 00:25:24:14 Let go, Luke. Feel the force.
Be in touch with your feelings.
00:25:24:16 00:25:28:24 Yes. Yes. Oh, viewing several. Time...
00:25:29:01 00:25:32:09 Time, like a thief in the night,
has smashed our near-side window,
00:25:32:11 00:25:35:14 and stolen thence
the stereo from our dashboard therein.
00:25:35:16 00:25:37:04 For the last time,
00:25:37:06 00:25:41:13 I turn, wiping a sad, soft, salt tear
from my crimsoning cheek,
00:25:41:15 00:25:45:22 as I request and require
our disastrously lovely guest units
00:25:46:04 00:25:50:15 to tell me what is, and will be,
their choice of farewell cocktail this evening.
00:25:50:18 00:25:54:07 Well, I like the sound of a London Felch.
00:25:55:21 00:25:58:04 What about a Golden Shower?
00:25:59:13 00:26:01:01 DAWS: Hmm!
00:26:01:09 00:26:05:06 Good idea. We should be concentrating
on choosing a cocktail first, though.
00:26:07:14 00:26:10:09 Oh, yes. Well, there's the Martini Navratilova.
00:26:11:03 00:26:13:03 What's a Sodding Mary?
00:26:13:05 00:26:17:14 Um, a Sodding Mary...
A Sodding Mary, it's like a Bloody Mary,
00:26:17:16 00:26:19:20 but it's a little bit ruder.
00:26:21:09 00:26:23:01 -All right, have to hurry you.
-Yep.
00:26:23:03 00:26:24:23 -Yes, yes, I think you're right.
-That's the one.
00:26:25:00 00:26:27:22 BOTH: We'd like a Modern Britain.
00:26:27:24 00:26:29:17 A Modern Britain. Ha!
00:26:29:19 00:26:32:21 My colleague, my colleague,
what did you say to me only this morning?
00:26:32:23 00:26:34:23 What indeed.
00:26:35:04 00:26:37:10 Well, they've chosen a Modern Britain.
00:26:37:12 00:26:40:05 A Modern Britain is really like an old-fashioned,
00:26:40:07 00:26:42:07 but with a new twist.
00:26:42:09 00:26:46:05 For a Modern Britain, you'll need
finely made, English hand-blown crystal glasses,
00:26:46:07 00:26:50:10 the very best Islay malt whisky,
lovingly blended by craftsmen who care.
00:26:50:12 00:26:53:22 You'll need freshly-squeezed apple juice
from pleasant Somerset orchards.
00:26:53:24 00:26:57:02 You'll need a quarter gill of best dry London gin,
00:26:57:04 00:27:00:11 a pint of rich Jersey cream and, of course,
00:27:00:19 00:27:04:03 a half-quart of soft, still Welsh mountain water.
00:27:04:07 00:27:06:15 And to garnish, you'll need a shamrock,
00:27:06:17 00:27:09:14 a daffodil, a thistle and a rose.
00:27:09:23 00:27:13:04 There's a difference with a Modern Britain,
however, because a Modern Britain
00:27:13:06 00:27:14:15 goes like this...
00:27:14:17 00:27:17:14 We add to this kindly,
noble, honourable and civilised mixture...
00:27:17:16 00:27:18:23 (DAWS PLAYING TAPS BUGLE CALL)
00:27:19:00 00:27:21:12 ...a centilitre of flat, cola-style syrup,
00:27:21:14 00:27:24:18 a hectare of low-calorie brand sweetener,
00:27:24:20 00:27:29:15 a pot of non-dairy whitener,
a sachet of instant heritage,
00:27:29:17 00:27:33:03 a two-parent-family-size pack
of diluted good values,
00:27:33:05 00:27:37:09 free market vegetables,
a greedy helping of self-governing trusts
00:27:37:11 00:27:40:18 and a plastic ice cube for cosmetic purposes only.
00:27:41:02 00:27:43:16 The product should be half-baked
at an immoderate temperature
00:27:43:18 00:27:45:07 of the lowest common denominator,
00:27:45:09 00:27:48:09 in an atmosphere of greasy cant
and corrupt sleaze,
00:27:48:13 00:27:51:22 until richly dishonoured and seared with shame.
00:27:51:24 00:27:56:07 Your Modern Britain will ideally, by now,
have lost all colour, flavour and fizz,
00:27:56:09 00:28:01:07 and should be then divided against itself,
and left in shoddy disrepair for a number of years,
00:28:01:09 00:28:04:11 until it rots, before being sold off
to the highest bidder.
00:28:04:13 00:28:08:23 The whole botched cocktail should be served
with a raft of unappetizing sound bites,
00:28:09:00 00:28:13:17 and a package of feeble initiatives,
stuffed with tasteless media slime.
00:28:13:19 00:28:16:23 But perhaps, somewhere, you might be inspired
00:28:17:00 00:28:20:17 to add one small, tender, caring, cherry of hope.
00:28:20:19 00:28:21:21 I wonder.
00:28:21:23 00:28:25:18 While you decide, I will entreat for the very finalist
of last, last times,
00:28:25:20 00:28:29:12 this entreaty of my colleague,
Britain's very own melody man,
00:28:29:14 00:28:32:22 as I say to him,
please, please, oh, please, Mr Music,
00:28:32:24 00:28:35:17 please, Mr Music, will you play?
00:28:36:01 00:28:37:19 (SOBBING)
00:28:38:02 00:28:39:21 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
00:28:42:08 00:28:44:06 (SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY)
00:28:47:19 00:28:49:11 It's ruined.
00:28:49:16 00:28:51:12 Britain is ruined.
00:28:52:00 00:28:53:09 There's nothing there!
00:28:53:12 00:28:54:12 It's rotten!
00:28:54:17 00:28:56:03 (SOBBING LOUDLY)
00:28:58:06 00:29:00:15 Oh, God, it's all gone.
00:29:27:06 00:29:30:00 ALL: Soupy, soupy, soupy, soupy twist.
00:29:30:02 00:29:31:24 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)